Reflecting on 2009


Today I looked at my old blog, the one on the right, titled "My old Diana's Weight Loss Journey". I don't even remember why I started a new blog in March 2009. I vaguely remember it was something to do with this guy. :)

I was in search of my 2009 goals, which I found in my January 1, 2009 post. I also found my old blog was black type on a black background which made it unreadable. No idea how that happened.

When I read through my 2009 goals I wanted to cry. My first thought was that I'm a big, fat failure. I didn't actually make any of my 2009 goals happen, and I only had four goals. Then I decided to try and look at the glass half full instead of half empty.

Some of these goals are still going to be on my 2010 list, but here's how I did for 2009. Fortunately it was a short list.

1. Get to my goal weight of 135 (28.6 pounds to go!).

~~~ This was a fail. Any way I look at it I failed. I don't even know how I can put a positive spin on this one. I was so close and then something happened. I just stopped and went the other direction. I weighed 163.6 when I posted this goal January 1, 2009. Today I weighed 175.4, a gain of 11.8 pounds in 2009. I suppose the positive is that I didn't go all the way back up to 240 pounds.

2. Maintain my 75-pound loss.

~~~See #1. Although I've managed to maintain a 64.6 pound loss, this goal wasn't met.

3. See a therapist for that nasty little compulsive overeating problem I have.

~~~I saw a therapist for three sessions. It didn't help. I suppose I didn't give it a chance, but it seemed like a total waste of time and money. I know I have issues, but seeing a therapist didn't seem to really work for me. I'm neutral on this being a failure.

4. Work on my marriage.

~~~I did and I didn't. I guess the positive on this one is I'm still married. We have our good days and our bad ones. Sometimes it seems all bad, then a glimmer of the old us shows itself and it all seems worth working on.

Well, so much for the positive spin. The only positive is that by being such a failure in 2009 I have an opportunity in 2010 to make these things happen. More to come on that later.

My workout today
Oh my gosh! I just about killed myself at the gym. I think I'm a bit of a showoff when it comes to lifting weights and I did a really foolish thing. I did all my concentrated dumbbell curls with 20-pound dumbbells (some guy was watching me), and then my overhead press with 25-pound dumbbells. I also added some new exercises today for upper body and now I can't lift my arms over my head. Ouch!

I've added a blog page on the the right, My workouts, where I'll keep track of all my workouts. I always carry a notebook with me to the gym and write them down. Now I'll transfer the information to a blog page. If anyone has any suggestions of new exercises or web sites with exercises, please let me know. I had some bookmarked on my old laptop that crashed last summer and now I can't find them. I really want to ramp up my workout routines in 2010. This is going to be my year!

Just another Monday (on vacation)

A blog worth checking out
I read a lot of weight loss blogs. I don't always comment because I don't always have something worthwhile to say or I'm in a rush, but that doesn't mean I'm not reading your blog. Many of you are really great writers with lots of ideas and suggestions on how to be healthy and fit. Even those of you that struggle, you still give me hope because you keep on trying.

Today I came across a blog that's I think is worth mentioning. Oh She Glows written by Angela Liddon, a beautiful young woman that lives in Milton, Ontario.

I have to admit when I first read her "about" story I was turned off because her highest weight was 147 (she's 5' 4"). Fortunately, I kept reading and realized the real difference between Angela and myself is that she figured it all out before she gained another 100 pounds.

I remember weighing 147 pounds. It was when I graduated college. I remember I felt as big as a cow, and how I thought I was so incredibly obese. I was repulsed by my fatness. It's also when I started my obsessive behavior towards food and exercise. An obsession that has continued throughout my life, resulting in me gaining almost another 100 pounds.

Check out Oh She Glowswebsite. Especially some of her older posts. She has a lot to say about society's obsession with beauty and being skinny. She's a pretty amazing young woman, and I like her way of thinking.

About my post-Christmas illness
I feel 100% better today. Thank you for all your well wishes...they must have worked! I really don't know what happened, or why I got so sick. It was scary and horrible.

The more I think about it, the more I think it might be related to having my gallbladder removed about three years ago. I was reading Dawn's post about how she can't eat fatty foods anymore since she had her gallbladder removed.

Normally, even when I overeat I don't eat fatty foods. I eat too many apples or too many grapes or too many ounces of broiled chicken breasts or too many roasted Brussels sprouts. Trust me though, I can easily gain weight from too much good stuff so it's not necessarily a good thing that I overeat healthy food.

Christmas dinner consisted of a lot of foods laden with butter. Real butter. Not the Smart Balance stuff that I normally use, but real, 100% dairy butter. Even the turkey gravy had, heaven forbid, drippings from the turkey, including a lot of the grease (made mother-in-law style).

I suspect that's what caused my "stomach flu" symptoms. Overeating really fattening food. In other words, that was self-inflicted pain. It's something I don't ever want to experience again. Ever!

Plan for the week
Today is just a lazy day. It's noon and I'm still in my PJ's. I often wonder if when I retire someday, if I'll even bother to get dressed. I could be like Hugh Hefner and just wear my PJs all day, every day. :)

I am going to get out of the house and hit the gym soon. I'm going to really make an effort to limit it to about an hour. Also, because of Fatinah's post about 10 health misconceptions, I'm going to change my workout.

I'm going to do a 10-minute warmup on the elliptical, then my strength training for 30 minutes, and then a 30-minute cardio. I've been doing this backwards for months (okay, years). I know it's suppose to be strength first and cardio second, I hate cardio so much I always want to "get it over with" so I do it first. It's time to do it correctly.

I'm also really going to try for muscle confusion. I was watching a P90X infomercial last night (at 3am...my sleep is really screwed up), and they kept talking about muscle confusion. I'm a creature of habit but I need to mix up my exercises and not do the same blasted exercises every day. I have exercise books and favorite websites so I'm going to try out some new things today.

Wednesday we're going snowshoeing up at Crystal Mountain. We bought snowshoes last spring when they were on sale and haven't used them yet. I'm looking forward to getting outside. I'm starting to feel housebound. A day trip to the mountains is just what I need.

Did I mention I love not working? Totally, completely love it. I don't miss one aspect of it. I'm just sorry I only have six and half more days until I have to return to the grindstone. Yes, I really need an attitude adjustment about work. Something to work on for the new year, among many other things.

Still alive after 36 hours of hell

I'm not sure what happened to me Saturday but after my two-hour workout at the gym I became really sick as soon as I got home. Room spinning dizziness, horrible nauseousness and dry heaves because I hadn't eaten anything before going to the gym.

It continued all day yesterday, throughout the night until 6am this morning when I sort of started to feel human again and could finally lay down on the bed. Prior to that the movement of the bed made me feel sick so I was either laying on the floor or sitting in a hard chair.

I couldn't even keep water down. I tried eating saltines and I threw up. I took Pepto Bismol and threw up. I couldn't watch TV because the movement and the noise made me feel even more nauseous. I couldn't even read because of the dizziness.

My husband found me curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor at 3am and tried to make me go to the emergency room. I refused. I told him if I was still sick in the morning, then maybe. The thought of going to the emergency room made me feel even sicker.

I'm not sure what happened but I suspect it might have been either 1.) some sort of stomach flu or 2.) that disgusting, fattening Christmas dinner. I swear I'll never touch butter again as long as I live. Even now just thinking about it makes me feel kind of sick.

I felt better today but still kind of dizzy and slightly nauseous. I was able to eat a bowl of homemade chicken noodle soup tonight and actually keep it down (no turkey, it makes me feel sick to think about it). I also drank a couple glasses of water today. I've been super thirsty because I couldn't drink anything yesterday and actually keep it down.

You never appreciate your health until you go through something like that. I'm so happy to feel better. I can't wait for tomorrow to feel even better. Plus I can sleep in my bed tonight and not on the floor or in a chair. Life is good!

Pink glove dance - really cool

A new beginning

Christmas. Food. Lots and lots of food. After the last two Christmases of being a really good little Weight Watcher, yesterday I made the attempt but finally said to hell with it. The Weight Watcher recipes I made turned out disastrous.

The Weight Watcher stuffing recipe, the Smashed Buttermilk Potatoes from their Thanksgiving magazine issue, and the 3-Point pumpkin pie all tasted really terrible. The stuffing was dry, the potatoes, well, turns out I hate buttermilk, and the pie, I messed up and accidentally doubled the sugar. It wasn't even edible.

So I dug into the real stuffing that was full of butter (I know, because I made it) and the real mashed potatoes with again, lots of butter. Because doesn't lots of butter equal lots of love?

I also drank too many Pomegranate martinis. Actually, they were mostly juice. I love Pomegranate juice but it's very high calorie so it wasn't much of a trade off to have mostly juice instead of vodka.

Oh, and the pumpkin pie from Costco. It's ginormous so I'm sure a piece isn't 8 Points like a normal pie. Probably more like 16Points. Bad. All very, very bad.

A strange thing happened yesterday morning, my brand new scales stopped working. I stepped on them and nothing. These were my second new scales in about three months. They both stopped working for no apparent reason. A new battery didn't help either. On my list of things to do today is buy new scales so I can weigh in before the new year.

I started off today reading several posts by other bloggers. I was surprised by how many people said they ate poorly yesterday but they'd get back on program after the first of the year. What???

That sort of surprised me. My intent was to get back on program TODAY. After reading about other people waiting to start after January 1st, I thought, well, maybe that's not a bad idea. I have all this great food in the house, how am I going to resist it. Why not just give in and eat what I want for a whole week?

Then I read Jack's post, and I came to my senses. That was crazy thinking, eat what I want for a week?! It's like I went temporarily insane. I was 175.4 on Christmas Eve day. I probably gained a couple pounds yesterday, and if I continue to eat like yesterday for a whole week I could easily pack on another five pounds.

No worries. It's not going to happen. The gym opens at 8am, and I'm going to be there. I'm getting dressed as soon as I finish this post. After my workout I'll stop by the store and buy another new scale so I can weigh in today.

DH's knee replacement

DH had his left knee replaced on the 14th of December. He got to come home on the 17th after his physical therapy that morning (I got to be his physical therapy coach on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday so I would know how to help him do his exercises at home).
He did really well at the hospital, but once we got home, the swelling and bruising in his leg got worse. This was despite the exercising and icing we did as recommended by the therapists at the hospital. He had physical therapy one day at the VA and they recommended that he go back to his surgeon to see about the swelling, that that should be checked out.
We saw the surgeon yesterday, and he ordered a sonogram to check for blood clots, and to see if the blood thinner he ordered was causing bleeding. No blood clots, no extra bleeding, but he did say to discontinue the blood thinner, start the low-dose aspirin, elevate, and ice for 20 minutes out of every hour until the swelling goes down (and keep wearing the compression socks). So we're doing that, and it seems to be helping some. Staples come out on the 28th (that's DH's birthday, good present for him).
He is walking really well, using the walker when we go out because, of course, it's Minnesota and winter is finally hitting us with a vengeance. He uses the cane around the house since our house just isn't walker-friendly (the bathroom door just isn't wide enough to get the walker through unless you go through sideways). And the stairs to our bedroom in the basement don't seem to bother him much either, so that's good.
The only time he seems to have a lot of pain is when he's doing his exercises, or after Marty has jumped on his leg (and he seems to want to do that when DH is laying down in bed, trying to go to sleep). At least he has pain pills to take before we start his exercises.
DH keeps apologizing to me because I have to haul everything in from the van, and help with his leg - getting the compression sock on, doing the exercises, getting in and out of the bathtub, etc. I also have to shovel the sidewalk to the driveway (thank Maude we have someone who plows the driveway for us, and another person who comes down and snowblows the city sidewalk that runs along one side of our property - the city doesn't cut you any slack when one person is disabled and the other is laid up, you still have to clear the sidewalk or they will, and they'll charge you an arm and a leg for doing it). Side note - I shoveled the short walk from the door to the drive today and when I came in, I had some snow on my shoes. Knocked it off on the mat by the door, and Marty had to check it out. Then he ate the snow.....LOL
Silly cat. I told DH that doing all that stuff is part of being married, that when he's laid up, I take care of him and do what needs to be done because I know he would do the same for me (and he's going to do that when I have my carpal tunnel surgery, so no biggie).

I have the power

Since I returned from Edmonton over a week ago I started my late night binging. I've been like an addict that has lapsed and returned to her drug. Sneaking, quietly into the kitchen around midnight, and eating whatever I could find. I've disgusted myself.

During the day I'm the perfect Weight Watcher. Eating very healthy, working out two hours a day of intense exercise. At night I become a different person. It's a sickness.

Last night I was reading the latest issue of US Weekly. I really bought it because Elin and Tiger were on the cover. I can't help it but I'm fascinated by their story. The perfect woman with the perfect face and perfect body, with two perfect children married to what we all thought was the perfect man. As sordid as the story is, I can't stop reading about it.

I digress. Also on the front cover is the Biggest Loser at-home winner, Rebecca Meyer. She went from 279 pounds to 140 pounds. At the start of the article the journalist ask Rebecca "How do you feel?" After saying how fantastic she feels she said something that really struck a nerve with me. She said:

"I realized The Biggest Loser wasn't going to magically "fix" me. They were going to give me the tools to help me change my life forever, but I have the power. I just had to wrap my head around it and do it myself."

I read that one paragraph several times. This was me! Weight Watchers has given me the tools, but no one is going to magically fix me. It's all up to me. I have the power. It's in my control what I eat.

There are a lot of things in my life I don't have the power to control. I can't control my husband (sure, I try, but that's a losing battle). If he's in a bad mood or grumpy, I can't change him (yes, I try, sometimes it works, sometimes not). I can't control our dark, wet weather here in Seattle. It's going to rain and be cold and dark no matter how much I prefer warmth and sunshine. I can't control my job, what projects I get assigned to work on. I'm somewhat powerless in many areas of my life.

The one thing I do have power over is what I eat. I have the power for that one facet of my life. It seems so clear to me now. It's literally like a light bulb went off in my head.

I didn't binge last night. The first night in eight nights. I feel enlightened, like suddenly I "get it".

I have the power. That's my new mantra.

Getting a grip

Yesterday's post was a sad one, one of my "woe is me, my life sucks" posts. Dawn was right when she said it sounded like depression. I was depressed and have been for months. Mild depression, not suicidal stuff, just a feeling that all is not right in my world. Some days are darker than others and yesterday was one of the darkest.

This morning I woke up feeling a wee bit better about my life. It's really not quite as bad as I make it sound. It's not perfect by a long shot, but on the other hand, it could be a hell of a lot worse.

Christmas always does this too me, makes me sad for the things and people I don't have in my life. I miss my mother a lot this time of year because she always made the holidays so special for me when I was a kid. My childhood Christmases are the stuff of a Norman Rockwell painting. It was perfect, or at least, that's how I remember it.

This year I started early on the seasonal depression so by the time the Christmas season came around, I was in a pit of despair and self-pity. I credit a lot of my sadness to all the traveling I've done for work during the past four months. It was a strain on me, my health, my diet and exercise routine, as well as on my marriage.

Today I see some light in my life, it's not all darkness. I have a feeling of optimism, like maybe I'll make it through this and everything will turn out okay.

My husband and I are talking, laughing, joking around, almost back to our old life. The hateful and spiteful things we said to each other while in Edmonton are still between us, like a wedge trying to drive us apart. We're trying to get back to what we had and what we know we can have again. Marriage takes work, and neither one of us wants to give up on "us".

Today I'm cleaning the house and then we're putting up the tree this afternoon. I'm actually looking forward to spending time with my husband. Something I haven't felt for several months.

I also have plans to go to the gym, but limit my time there to one hour. The last two days I've gone for two full hours each day. I realize that's utterly ridiculous. No one should spend that much time working out every day unless they're a professional body builder. I just want to be healthy, not spend my life in a gym.

I have a better grip on reality today. I feel more like me. The cloud of doom and gloom seems to have lifted somewhat, and I can actually say I feel a flicker of happiness. I just hope I can hold onto this ray of light.

~Diana
175.4

Trying to stay positive

Over the past several days I thought of a hundred things to write about but all the topics were downers. Each time I'd even think about writing a post I found myself spiraling down into a self-pity party.

My Edmonton trip is over. Having my husband go with me was a huge mistake. Instead of making things better, it made me miserable. When I'm working in a new city away from home, I'm highly stressed. After a day of meeting new people, trouble shooting problems, making endless phone calls to my home office, the last thing I wanted to do is go out and have "fun". I just wanted to crawl to my hotel room and collapse.

As a result of me not being fun, we had a huge fight while in Edmonton. Probably one of our all time worse fights in our 21 years of marriage. He left a day early to go home, which was fine with me. I couldn't handle the double stress of my day job and then my night job of being a loving wife.

Even though it's been almost a week we're both still mentally bruised from the arguing. We both regret what happened, but what's done is done. We can't take back the hurtful, mean things we said to each other.

Now we have the added stress of Christmas, the season of joy. Sorry, but I'm just not feeling it. I want to feel happy and peace on earth and all that other stuff I'm suppose to feel this time of year, but it's not happening.

I'm on vacation for the next two weeks. We had plans to travel to Denver and Arkansas to see my husband's family, but I think we're putting that on hold until after the new year. I can't bear the thought of getting on another plane. Maybe it's incredibly selfish of me but I need to stay home for a while.

We even talked about spending Christmas apart, but we both know that would be the final nail in the coffin of our marriage so we both agreed we're not ready for something like that...since that would really be the end of us as a couple.

So much for remaining positive. This is probably just about the most depressing post I've ever written.

On the diet front, I'm hanging in there at 175.8. I was at the gym for two hours yesterday, getting back into the swing of things with the exercise. It felt good.

My goal is to try and get to 170 by the end of 2009, which isn't too far from where I was on December 31, 2008 - 165.2. That means I'm up 10 pounds from a year ago.

Never mind that I dropped down to 152 for a brief period during the past year so technically I'm up 20+ pounds. I just don't want to think about that right now.

I'm going eat healthy for the rest of the year and hit the gym every day. That's my goal for the next two weeks. I'll set new goals for 2010, but right now I can't think that far into the future. I'm just trying to get through a day at a time....and stay positive (not doing so good with the positive crap).

A fat rant

by Joy Nash

So much to do, so little time

I have a lot of stuff to do today to get ready for our trip to Edmonton tomorrow. I say "our" because my husband is accompanying me on my business trip for the very first time. It should be interesting. Hopefully we won't wind up in divorce court when we get home. He's never seen me in full work mode crazy on one of these trips. Sometimes it's not a pretty sight.

I spent the morning with hubby at the urgent care clinic. He's been sick for 12 days with flu, cough, and now a bad sinus infection. Funny thing, I almost gave him my antibiotics last night. I went to the doctor yesterday for my cough syrup and the doctor insisted on giving me antibiotics even though I protested that I wasn't "that" sick.

I filled my prescriptions (including my codeine cough syrup, the nectar of the Gods), but I was determined not to take the antibiotics. Then I woke up this morning feeling sicker than I did when this all started and coughing up all kinds of nasty stuff.

Last night I read several articles on phlegm. Yes, I lead an exciting life, reading phlegm articles on a Friday night. The different colors mean different things. Yellowish-green means I'm fighting an infection. I decided maybe the doctor was right and I'm a little sicker than I originally thought, so I took my antibiotics. Hubby had to get his own medicine, thus the urgent care clinic.

While I was at the clinicI read a 2008 Good Housekeeping and came across an interesting article. Let Your Heart Break by Geneen Roth. A must read for those of us living under the illusion life will be grand when we're skinny.


After the clinic we went out to eat. My husband was starving so he wanted to go to the Blackbear Diner. This place serves massive servings of really good comfort food. It's usually torture for me, but I had eaten a Luna bar while at the clinic and a ton of water. I wasn't really even hungry, which is so odd for me (more proof I must be sick).

Here's what my husband ordered, the Southern Scrambler, 1130 calories and 71 grams of fat! It was a concoction of giant biscuits, two eggs, two big sausage patties and smothered in gravy. Honestly, it didn't even appeal to me.



Here's what I had, on the "Light" menu. They didn't have the calories for it on their website, my guesstimate is maybe 350. I ate most of the chicken breast which was prepared without oil, but left a couple ounces on my plate. A little of the cottage cheese, about 1/4 cup, and all of the fruit, with black coffee for my beverage.


Well, I'm off to do the zillion things I need to do before we leave tomorrow morning. Among those things is the gym even though I'm not feeling very Superwomanish today. :)

Day 7: I was superwoman this morning!

I'm not one to toot my own horn, but this morning, I rocked it at the gym. Seriously, I really did.

After yet another sleepless night of coughing and hacking in spite of my nightly shot of NyQuil, I woke up in a foul mood. Really unhappy and tired. My first thought was noooooo! I can't, and darn it, I won't!

I reluctantly got dressed in my workout clothes, stood in the kitchen in the dark and drank a cup of coffee. I was thinking about how bad I felt and I was sick and it's only 17 degrees, and well, the excuses to not workout were endless. An entire repertoire of "poor me!", this isn't fair.

Luckily, my inner skinny girl that's fighting against my outer fat girl said get your butt out of the house, in that car and to the gym. I promised myself 20 minutes on the StairMaster and I could come home.

Well, I did 30 minutes on the StairMaster, from level 4 all the way up to level 9. Then I worked out with the weights for a full 30 minutes. I was a soaking, wet mess by the end. The weird thing, I didn't cough once during my entire workout. My nose was runny, but no coughing. My lungs were on fire and my throat burned, but that was all.

Of course now I'm coughing non-stop, but hey - I did it! Superwoman returns!

Day 5 & 6: Hanging on by my toenails

It's sure not easier the hundredth time around the block with this weight loss stuff. It's almost as tough as it was at the beginning, but I'm hanging in there.

This cold has really knocked me down. The coughing is making me crazy. I'm going in to see the doctor for some codeine cough syrup tomorrow. I need to sleep through the night before I hit Edmonton on Sunday.

My husband is going with me to Edmonton. It's the first time he's joined me on a business trip. When I told my coworker that's also been doing these trips, to different cities than me, he asked me what's wrong with him...why does he wants to see you in all kinds of crazy? Well put.

I've booked a room with a fireplace, hot tub and a king sized bed. My husband wants to go to the mall on Sunday. Did I ever mention I kind of hate shopping? Being in the world's 3rd largest mall isn't exactly my idea of a good time.

I was looking at my 2008 weight loss calendar where I write my weight almost every day of the year. On December 31, 2008 I weighed 164.8. This morning was 175.4. Three weeks, ten pounds? I know it's pretty much a ridiculous thought. Maybe five pounds if I put my mind to it. I'm going to try my best to not gain and lose at least a few pounds by December 31, 2009.

Tomorrow I'm going back to the gym for a light workout. Nothing too crazy. I've wanted to go but the hacking up a lung made it seem like a bad idea. Tomorrow for sure.

The NyQuil is kicking in so I'm off to bed. No crazy eating today or yesterday. Just normal stuff. Normal is always a good thing.

Days 3 & 4: Still among the living

Someday I'll learn to listen to my body. On Sunday, I was wiped out all day, barely able to get dressed and get to the gym by 5pm. It was cold out, 32 degrees and my throat was sore. I just thought I was being a lazy, sloth-like person and forced myself to go to the gym.

The workout hurt like heck. I was sweating, but that was before I even started the workout! I felt clammy and chilled to the bone. My breathing was difficult and labored. I couldn't understand how I'd gotten so out of shape in such a short time.

Well guess what? I have a cold (or maybe it's the flu, I'm never sure). I've been flat on my back for two days, waking up and not knowing if it was a.m. or p.m. My body aches and my mind has been in a fog. I've been coughing up gross, nasty junk from my infected lungs. Tonight is the first time I ventured into the kitchen looking for food.

I'm going to work tomorrow since I have to get things ready for my Edmonton trip next week, and I'm actually feeling a little bit better. It's my last trip on this project. Hallelujah! I can't wait to have my normal life back.

Day 2 continued: Paying for my sins

For most of the day I sat around in my pajamas curled up next to the fireplace, reading magazines, and watching several episodes of Snapped while cuddling my cat. Plus listening to my husband hack and cough and complain as he's recovering from the flu. It was basically a pretty good day. I felt relaxed and warm and comfortable. Happy to be at home.

At 4pm I forced myself to get dressed for the gym. It was utter torture working out today. The extra weight has made my workouts painful. My left knee hurts, my left heel hurts. My lungs were screaming at me while I was on the StairMaster for thirty minutes and then the elliptical for another thirty. My arms are still achy and sore from yesterday's workout, and I could barely left them above my head to pull on my workout shirt.

This is my penance for having eaten like a pig, not exercised on a regular basis, and gaining 22 pounds in the last few months. Today's workout was painful. Looking back, the last few months really weren't worth it. It wasn't that fun to eat what I wanted, or to skip my workouts. If I had it to do over, I would have done it differently. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Day 2: It's not easy to start over

This is my second day back on track. I forgot how hard it is to go from eating junk to eating a healthy, low-calorie, low-fat diet. And the exercise. Oh my gosh! I've heard of muscle memory but I think mine forgot everything they ever knew.

After 40 minutes of cardio and 40 minutes of upper body weights yesterday I could barely lift my arms last night. I looked in my exercise journal and my last serious weight lifting workout was Nov. 18. No wonder I'm in pain! I've had a few treadmill or elliptical workouts, but no strength training in almost three weeks. I felt weak as I lifted 20-pound dumbells. I hate that feeling. Plus it hurt like hell.

My food choices the last few months have been horrible and got worse as time went on. Last week was my absolute worst week. I was eating cookies and candy like an addict. Oakland airport had See's candy booths everywhere (San Francisco is the See's candy headquarters).

Unfortunately the Oakland airport was a smorgasbord of unhealthy options. Sure, they had healthy things too, but those weren't what I chose. My attitude was bad and my food choices were just as bad.

After just one day of clean eating and exercise I feel like my mind is clearing. It's like I've been in a fog and now it's finally lifting. I think fat and sugar have a very negative effect on my thinking and my happiness. I've been terribly depressed and didn't even realize what was wrong with me. I know the lack of exercise probably played a big part in the depression. Add in the terrible food choices and it's a miracle I made it through these past months.

I'm drinking a lot of water, something that's barely passed my lips these last few months. I was living on Starbucks as my beverage of choice. Normally I rarely drink Starbucks since to me it's just wasted calories. Even the "light" or "skinny" options are ridiculously high in calories.

Yet I just didn't care and was ordering at least one grande or even venti "light" pumpkin spice Frappuccino every day (sometimes two!). Having one of these beverages first thing in the morning would set my mood for the entire day. Since I'd already "blown" it, it didn't matter what I ate for the rest of the day. And if I eat bad, I don't exercise.

Today it's black coffee with a dash of 1% milk, and my normal food which is amazingly delicious. Yet a part of me is thinking about the snickerdoodles and the brownies and the See's candy. I'm like an addict craving my drug.

I'm sure I can do this, stay on the straight and narrow. It's not the easiest thing in the world but I know it's possible. After all, it's not the first time I've been down this road.

Interesting tidbit in Prevention magazine Jan. 2010 (a really good reason to get to a healthy weight!):

What Your Scale Says About Your Brain

If it registers a healthy weight, your mind is likely youthful too. In a recent UCLA study, overweight people had 4% less brain tissue than normal-weight adults--the equivalent of their minds aging 8 years. One possible cause: a high-calories or high-fat diet, which clogs arteries in the brain, restricts blood flow, and causes cells to shrink. --Lauren Geiman

Day 1: Does this mean I'm a failure?

I weighed 154.6 on 2/17/2009. Today I weigh 176.8. That's a gain of 22.2 pounds. I feel like a big, fat failure.

My list of excuses for gaining so much weight is long. The main one is I've been on the road a lot during the last four months. Either work, family emergency or vacation kept me away from home and my routine. I don't do well when I don't follow my routine. Even when I was home for the weekends it took me a day to get back into the groove of things, only to leave on a Monday for another trip. I never got a routine down when I was away. I don't know why, but it just seemed impossible and unimportant.

My hours were long and erratic. I never knew from one day to the next what hours I'd be working or for how long I'd be standing on my feet, and stressed about the endless problems at work. It played havoc on my body and my mind. I feel like I've been depressed for months.

The really sad part is I feel like a complete failure in the weight loss game. It's strange how hard I am on myself. I don't look at other people as failures when they gain weight back, I figure they're just human and that's what happens. We screw things up sometimes. It's just life. I'm not as lenient on myself for a weight gain. Instead I'm highly critical, and consider it a personal failure of the worst kind.

One of my favorite bloggers is going through a personal health crisis. I love this person even though I've never met her in real life. Her enthusiasm is contagious. She recently told me about what she's going through and that she doesn't want to blog publicly anymore because she can't stand being a public failure. That broke my heart. She's just like me. I don't want people to think I'm a failure. I want to be perfect. I want to be a poster child for weight loss. I want to be admired and held up as an example of what can be accomplished. Instead, I'm an example of what NOT to do.

The fact is, I'm not perfect. Far from it in many areas of my life, but especially when it comes to my weight. It's a fight I've been fighting for a very long time and one I'm not ready to give up on. I figure I'll be fighting it to my death.

I know I can lose the weight, again. It frustrates me that I do this to myself. It's damaging to my health and to my mind to gain so much weight. Sometimes I feel like if I don't figure out the real reason for my overeating that I'll never really successful at losing the weight. I have some ideas why I want to eat so much, why I want to be fat, but knowing why doesn't seem to help me conquer my demon.

My goal for the present is to lose the 22.2 pounds. I know what to do, count Points and stay within my allowed Points, and exercise. I've been failing in both areas and that's resulted in a large weight gain.

I'm also going to try my best to post every day. Not mindless posts about where I am on my trips, but posts from my heart. I've noticed my heart hasn't been in the right place lately. The depression shines through most everything I've written lately. I have to pull myself out of this funk and move on with my life.

This is a new day, a new start. No deadlines for me, just one day at a time. I'll also repeat my mantra....I am NOT a failure. I am NOT a failure. Or should I say the positive, I am a successful, worthwhile human being. If only I believe it.

New Minivan (to me, anyway)

We went with the 2008 Kia Sedona minivan. It had the best remaining warranty (and we were able to upgrade that warranty so that we now have 5 years/58K miles).

I'm having to learn how not to drive with a lead foot - the Sedona has so much more acceleration and pick-up than any other vehicle I've ever driven, it's just too easy to hit the gas pedal from a complete stop and be doing 40 mph before you know it (and that's in town). It gets up to highway/freeway speeds faster than my Grand Caravan and Windstar ever did, so the cruise control will definitely get used a lot.

The only drawback to buying the Kia is that the seatbelt fit way too tightly and I needed an extender. Kia doesn't offer extenders, at all. Something about seat belt extenders haven't been tested for safety so Kia won't be responsible if the extender fails in an accident. Right, so the seat belt doesn't fit me, I can't buckle it, I'm in an accident - does that mean I can sue Kia because they refuse to put seat belts in their vehicles that will fit fat people? Not to mention that in MN, they passed the law where you can be stopped and ticketed just for not wearing your seat belt. So I've been cheating and driving with the seat belt buckled before I ever get in the seat and then I sit on it (looks like it's buckled and the harness is behind my back to anyone outside the vehicle). Just a stop-gap measure until I could go online and do a search for an extender that will fit the Kia (the ones I had for the Windstar wouldn't work). I finally found one on eBay (final cost with shipping was $38.98) that was 15" long, which is perfect, puts the shoulder harness right where it should be (between my breasts) so the damned thing doesn't decapitate me. Ordered it Monday afternoon and it got here in today's mail. Doesn't match the interior color of the Kia, but I don't care, safety is more important than a color-match, IMO.

I'll know in a couple of weeks how it does on gas mileage (in cold weather anyway). Vehicles always get better gas mileage in warm weather than they do in cold weather, so I know the mileage will get better when spring and summer get here (and it's finally getting really cold here in MN, it's actually 15 degrees F and snowing today, yuck).

Oakland

Just pictures I took today. I take tons of pictures, pretty much every day of my life.

This one is the trail that runs in front of my hotel along the water. I went for a walk here today. It looks a lot prettier in the picture than it did in person. The water is terribly polluted, full of garbage. Plastic bags, potato chip bags, even condoms were floating in the water. The grossest thing I've ever seen. Of course I'm only four miles from the airport, always a notoriously bad area of any city.

This was a picture I took from inside the Oakland Airport terminal. They have a great view.


More pictures from in front of the hotel, on the paved trail.



Pigeon picture. :)

The pier in front of the hotel here in Oakland is the San Antonio fishing pier. Guys were fishing off this pier. I'd never eat anything caught in this water. Too gross! And don't they know San Antonio is in Texas?


Cool artwork in the Oakland terminal, painted on the windows. Not in our terminal, but in our arch enemy's terminal (that other airline who shall remain nameless).


A view of my hotel from the pier.

How on earth did I stay in my room for a whole night, look out the "window" this morning, and not realize it was a sliding glass door with a balcony? The view from my room, that I discovered tonight.


I'm not going to talk about my day. It was just another day in my life. Difficult. Exhausting. The same old same old. Nothing new.

Greetings from California

Work
I'm in Oakland for my job, another deployment that has gone awry. It's 2 a.m. and essentially the entire counter and gates are down right now and none of the "experts" can figure out how to get it all working.

You would think by now, this being our seventh city doing this, that we would all have it figured out. Unfortunately, that's not the case. Every airport is different, different network setups, different systems. I just hope we can get it all working by 5 a.m. when the counter opens...or it will be hell. I'm not even sure how we can function without computers and printers.

Diet and Exercise
My eating is on track. I lost a pound since yesterday, so I'm back to my pre-Thanksgiving, and pre-death in the family weight. I'm still up 20 pounds from where I was a couple months ago, but I'm working on it.

My hotel is pretty nice, and my room is gorgeous. I'm in the new section with the new gym., which I haven't been able to check out yet (later , if I ever make it back to my hotel). I'm in a suite with a microwave and fridge. I even packed a bunch of my own food for sandwiches and snacks. I'm sick to death of eating out, plus I don't always make the best choices even if there are good choices to make.

Well, that's it. Not much new. Still sitting here waiting for my network guys to figure out this mess. It's 2:16 a.m. and I'm exhausted. I just want to sleep.

Post Thanksgiving update

Alaskan Snow Puppies (my sister's two Bichon Frises)

View from the road my sister lives on - the Tanana River near North Pole, Alaska (at 3pm)

Tanana River


I'm back home. I had a really good week with my sister and her family, and my brother. A lot of visiting, remembering the good times with my brother-in-law. A few tears, but more laughter than tears. Although leaving was really hard it was wonderful to sleep in my own bed last night. I'm glad to be home.

I weighed on my home scales this morning. I'm up .6 pounds. That's slightly over 1/2 pound. Instead of beating myself up for not losing weight, which was my goal, I'm actually kind of happy it's only 6/10ths of a pound. It could have been so much worse.

I worked out on the treadmill and with the weights for at least an hour five of the eight days I was in Fairbanks, and went for a two hour walk on the last day (it was 30 degrees - spring time weather!). I ate healthy every day until after dinner. Then the cookie, candy and ice cream monster took control, and I made some really poor choices.

Unfortunately for me, all the treats on hand for the grandkids are all my favorite things. Ranger cookies, chocolate chip cookies, sugar cookies with frosting, cranberry cookies with oatmeal and white chocolate chips, every kind of candy imaginable, as well as several flavors of ice cream (we're talking about at least six 1/2 gallons of different flavors). Also, the pièce de résistance is my sister's homemade whole wheat bread. It's healthy, but eaten in large quantities with butter, it's not so healthy.

Where does this put me in my plan to get to my goal of 135? Obviously I'm not on plan at all since my plan was to get to goal by the end of the year. Today it's back to counting Points and back to the gym. Even though my weight has been going the wrong direction, I'm not giving up, and I'm not beating myself up. I feel more determined than ever to get back on track.

~Diana
176.2

Shopping for a new minivan

It's getting to be time to get rid of the Windstar, she's starting to nickel and dime us with repairs (and being a 2001 with 152K miles, is not worth a whole lot and probably won't last much longer anyway). The main problems are ones that are difficult to diagnose - both warning brake lights on the dash come on for no reason at random times, the back windows may or may not open (and if you get them open, they may not close), the number lock keypad doesn't work, the keyless beeper doesn't always unlock the doors, and 7 times out of 10, when you start the van, the windshield wipers cycle. Most of this has been a problem ever since we bought the van, and the dealer hasn't been able to diagnose what is causing it, so they can't fix it (and I'm not throwing any more money at diagnostic attempts when it's costing $80 an hour, and is going to cost the same to fix it, plus whatever the needed parts may cost).
So DH and I have been out looking at minivans. Now, the Windstar was a good one, other than the electrical problems (and so was my Grand Caravan, till it had electrical problems). So far, most of the minivans we've looked at - Chevrolet, Oldsmobile, Pontiac, Kia, Honda, Toyota, Dodge - are all about the same. They're all easy to get in and out of, they all get about the same gas mileage (anywhere from 16/18 mpg city to 23/25 mpg hwy and I'm not going to quibble over a couple of miles difference), and all of them have pretty comfortable seating. All of the newer ones (anything 2007 and after) have front and rear heat/air. The only ones I've seen that have the Stow'N'Go seating tho, are the Kia Sedona and the Dodge/Chrysler/Plymouth minivans (and I really like the idea of the Stow'N'Go).
One drawback is that I will need to get seatbelt extenders with whichever one we decide to go with. Seems they've decided to shorten seatbelts. The seatbelt in my '97 Grand Caravan fit with room to spare, but in the 2008 I drove yesterday, it was tight (yeah, it fastened, but I had no room to move, and if I was ever in an accident, the damned thing would probably decapitate me). The Kia was the same way. But seatbelt extenders are usually free, and that's a small thing.
I think we've narrowed our choices down to the Kia Sedona or the Dodge Grand Caravan. I've driven both of them (DH won't drive them, he calls minivans "chickmobiles", and only drives his 4WD F150). The Kia, well, just let me say that I would definitely need to use the cruise control on the highway at all times. It accelerates quite well (yeah, it does....lol) and would get away from me if I wasn't careful. Of course, the Dodge was the same way, so that doesn't really go in to making the decision on which one we buy.
We're looking at how many miles are on each one, how much warranty is left on each one, the best price on each one, and what we can get on trade-in for the Windstar from each dealer. A lot will also depend on which one our bank will finance for us, too.
So, what does this have to do with FA/SA? Being a fat person, especially a fat person with arthritis who finds it next to impossible to get in and out of cars, I thought it would be informative for other people with similar difficulties to know what I've learned in my minivan shopping.
Granted, I prefer Dodges, I've had a lot of them in my car-owning history and they've always been good vehicles (and my dad likes them too, and that's a big influence on me). My son just bought a Kia Optima and recommended that I look at their minivans (he loves the Optima), so that's why I looked at the Sedona (yeah, I do tend to listen to my son when it comes to vehicles, he's not steered me wrong on the ones I've bought that he recommended). As always, YMMV, but if you're looking for a minivan that will fit someone up to 350 pounds and 5' 8" tall, the 2007 and newer Dodge and Kia minivans do it admirably (with the addition of a seatbelt extender).

Happy Thanksgiving!





The top picture is what I see while walking/running on the treadmill at my sister's house. The picture was taken at noon, and you can the sun is barely above the trees. Total daylight here is now at 5 hours and 14 minutes.

The second picture is what I see when I lay on the floor by the windows to do my floor exercises, and look up. It's so pretty here, it looks like a Christmas card when I look outside.

I've exercised three of the last four days, 50 minutes on the treadmill and only about 20 minutes weights. I don't have my iPod, so I watch TV. It's kind of like torture but I've been doing it.

My food has been pretty good, lots of vegetables and fruits, except those darn cookies, ice cream and candy that are here for the kids are getting me almost every night. I'm perfect all day, then ruin it each night. I'm hoping the exercise is helping. I haven't dared step on the scales all week even though they haunt me every day.

It's early here in North Pole, Alaska, 6:30am. The temperature outside isn't too bad, it's a balmy -5 degrees (it was -42 earlier this week so that feels warm!). I love that they have radiant heat in the floor so it's warm and toasty on my bare feet.

My sister and my husband are in the kitchen fussing over the turkey. Today will be a day of food, fun, and family. There will be 18 people here for dinner, eleven adults and six children. It'll be a crazy, loud day, with a lot of laughter.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

Greetings from Alaska




Yes, they kill animals and stuff them, then put them in airports up here in Alaska. These are polar bears in the Anchorage airport, where we changed planes on our way to Fairbanks. A rather barbaric custom. The first picture is of some mountains on our way to Anchorage. Mountains are everywhere up here. So beautiful.

The memorial service

Yesterday the memorial service yesterday for my brother-in-law was really beautiful. The picture boards my nieces (his daughters) had put together brought tears to my eyes, but at the same time emphasized he lived a very full and happy life.

The little chapel was filled with people that had worked with him or known him for many years. Everyone had warm, funny, or loving memories to share. It was -34 degrees yesterday, but people in Fairbanks don't let the weather stop them. They were all there and it helped my sister a lot to hear the stories about her husband. There were tears and laughter as we listened to people stand up and share their memories of Bill. It was a good day

The diet and exercise
I'm trying to eat good, but darn it's hard with all this food around. Today we're having another big family dinner. I'm eating a lot of vegetables but a lot of other stuff I shouldn't be eating (like cookies). I'm staying out of the ice cream because I bought some Weight Watcher ice cream bars but my 7-year old nephew saw me eating them and wanted to try one. Of course he loves them so now I have to share with him.

I made a good choice this morning and skipped the cookies for breakfast and had my usual low-fat egg mcmuffin thing I make every day at home (except I used my sister's homemade whole wheat bread instead of the multi-grain muffin I usually use--which is so much better).

As soon as I finish this post I'm heading upstairs to the treadmill and my sister's weight set. Maybe I can undo some damage I did on Saturday (cookies, cheese, ice cream).

I'm trying but it's not easy.

We got a Wii, and the bowling is a blast!!!!!!

I spent 6 hours yesterday hooking it up and trying to get it to work on our TV, which is not easy when you don't have the original remote (DH went on a cleaning rampage and threw out all the universal remotes that had quit working and the original remote for the TV was in that lot). I finally found the website for help, I suggest not using the url they put in the manual but shortening it to support.nintendo.com (they said to use support.nintendo.com/inputselects.html and that doesn't exist when you type it in). So anyway, I ended up having to run the Wii through the VCR and then we have to put a movie in, play a few seconds of it, stop the movie, and then we can play the Wii. Pain in the ass, but my son said he'll fix that the next time he comes up here (probably at Christmas).
DH came home from work, we ate dinner, and he wanted to try it out (we bought the WiiSports). So we bowled 5 games before he decided it was time to quit and get ready for bed (he has to work today and tomorrow). Now, my son and his wife can sit down and bowl, but I found out that doesn't work for me, and it doesn't work for DH either, so both of us were taking turns standing between the recliner and the loveseat, in front of the TV, bowling (he said not to tell anyone, but I beat him 2 of the 3 games and it was my first time ever bowling with the Wii, he had bowled with my son and DIL on theirs). Don't let anyone tell you that bowling on the Wii isn't exercise. If you're standing up to do it, and you take at least one step forward when you release the ball (like I do), it's exercise. I wasn't breathing hard or anything like that, and I was having a lot of fun, but I was sweating and the house wasn't that warm. Today, my back is sore, and my bad knee is giving me fits, but that's not going to keep me from bowling again tonight when DH gets home from work and we're done with dinner.
I don't know if we'll ever play any of the other games that are on the disc (though DH did say he thought I might beat him at tennis, so we may end up trying that). Even if we don't play any of the other games, it's worth it just for the fun we have with the bowling. And DH saw another Wii game that he'd like to have - it's the one where you're shooting chickens, comes with a gun (there's a deer-hunting one as well). I agreed with him that the chicken one looked like fun, so that might be next on our list of things to get for entertainment at home............

Loan modification, finally!!! And a warning....

We've only been trying since August of 2008 to get a loan modification on the mortgage on DH's house. DH has an ARM, that was supposed to be set at 9% when he refinanced in 2006 (3 months before we got married). When he went to sign the papers, they had upped the rate to 10.55%. He didn't want to sign, but didn't have much choice, as he had credit card companies that were hounding him and threatening to garnish wages, etc (credit cards he didn't know he had, his ex-wife got them in his name, ran them up, and when she left, he was stuck holding the bag). So he signed. The rate was fixed for 2 years with an option to refinance.
Well, y'all know what happened to the housing market in 2008. His house, that had been appraised at 125K (and I have no fucking clue how they came up with that appraisal for a one bedroom, 1 bathroom house with no central heat/air), was no longer worth that (tax appraisal was 66.5K). Mortgage company kept calling and asking if we were ready for the rate to reset and our payments to go up, and if we didn't want that, they were willing to lock us in for 5 years at our current rate and payment (the payment was almost $1200 a month, including escrow for taxes and insurance). We told them no way were we willing to lock in at the current rate, but if they were willing to lower it, we would talk. Nope, they didn't want to talk. And that continued.
Then we got a call from someone who said he could help us negotiate a loan modification. We talked, and eventually, he couldn't help us, because we were "under water" on the mortgage (owed more than the house was worth). But, he knew of a company who could help us (and that should have been a huge warning flag). He said he was going with a company called Green Credit Solutions, who had lawyers working on loan modifications for people who weren't able to get their lenders to work with them. A couple of his family members were also signing up, and so were a lot of his other customers. Cost was $3,495 and if GCS wasn't able to get a loan mod for you, you got $2,945 of it back (yeah, right). So we came up with the money, filled out the paperwork, sent all of the documentation they required, and thought we were on our way to a loan modification.
Well, between August of 2008, when we first started talking with Sean and GCS,and July of 2009 when we quit hearing from GCS, we had 8 different negotiators who had worked on our loan modification. Now they did apply for at least one loan modification that I know of, because our lender told us we had been denied. Something about DH made too much money (but that was because they were counting my income, and they weren't supposed to, since I'm not on the mortgage, and I wasn't going to be on the new one either). At that point, one of the negotiators said he wasn't supposed to tell us this, but that if we quit making payments on the house, our lender might be more willing to negotiate a loan modification. Up until then, DH had had the payments on the mortgage taken out of the checking account automatically every month. So, in November of 2008, he decided that he would stop the automatic withdrawal and we went to the bank and did that, went home and called the lender, told them the AWD had been stopped. In December, the lender tried to do an AWD, it was refused, and I had sent them a check. The bank also refused to cash our check because they thought we had stopped all payments to the lender, not just the AWD. So when the check bounced (and I caught it right away, because I balance our checkbook online every week), I called the bank to see why they had refused payment on the check. Bank said oops, our mistake, tell the lender to send the check back through and we will pay it.
So I called the lender, explained what had happened, and was told the check would be sent back through. Problem solved, right? Guess again.
So January comes around. I send in the mortgage payment check, with a note in the memo line that it's the payment for Jan 09. Then the calls start coming about when are we going to make January's payment. I told them we made it. That they needed to send back through the check I wrote for December's payment and gave them the check number. They said they couldn't do that, that we needed to send them another check for December's payment. I said, fine, send me back the check I wrote for December and I'll send you another check. Can't do that, they said, we take an electronic image and destroy the check. So send me some kind of assurance that you aren't going to resubmit that check for payment. Can't do that, they said. Then piss up a rope for your payment, I said. I'm not sending you another check so you can have two checks for the same month's payment and be able to cash both of them, and I'm not paying for a stop payment on the one, when you charged us a bounced check fee for the AWD not being paid when you knew we had stopped that.
February rolls around, I send them a check for the mortgage. Check clears the bank, and they try to do an AWD. And they charge us a bounce fee for the AWD failing. I call and chew ass. Then I fax them a letter stating that the AWD has been stopped, with copies of paperwork from the bank.
Lender calls every day, 3 to 4 times a day, either wanting to know if we're going to make the missed payment (which is in the savings account), or if we want to lock in at our current rate and payment for the next 5 years. It gets to the point where I know all the phone numbers they use, and when those numbers show up on caller id, I don't even bother to answer the phone. DH won't talk to them at all, he gets too mad (like I don't....lol).
Finally, we decide that GCS isn't going to do us any good, and we stop making mortgage payments on the house (they go into the savings account). When the lender calls, we tell them "Either give us a decent loan modification or take the house, we don't care. We don't have any kids, so we don't have to worry about schools or anything like that. We're not so invested in this house that we have to stay here, we can move, and we will." They piss and moan and delay and belly-ache and say there's nothing they can do. They've had an online appraisal of the house done and that comes out at 80K. I start laughing. They want to know what is so funny. I tell them there is no central heat/air in the house, that there is one wall furnace in the hallway to heat the whole downstairs, there are 2 electric baseboard heaters for the upstairs, and there's no heat at all in the basement. The valuation for taxes has gone down to 60K, and they'd be lucky to get 45K for the house, if they could sell it at all (there are houses in this town that have been for sale for more than a year and they're all better than this one). The only thing this house has going for it is its location (across the street from the lake/park, closest neighbor is across the street, and one across the American Legion parking lot). We told them it would take them 6 months to get us out of the house (so they would have lost a year's worth of house payments (14K), then the house would sit empty for who knows how long while they had to pay property taxes on it and lose more house payments, and then take a loss if and when they finally sold it).
So we got a phone call a couple of weeks ago, telling us we had been approved for a loan modification. Our rate went from 10.55% to 3.375% and is locked in for 5 years. Our mortgage payment went from $1157.28 a month to $620.69. We got the papers to go over (and sign) on the 11th. They had to be back by 20th (luckily they sent them next-day UPS and included a return label for us to use and there is a UPS pick-up box here in town). They recommended that we have a lawyer go over them with us, so we did. We signed them, got them notarized, and sent them back with the certified check for the escrow deposit (and I wrote down the UPS tracking number, and checked on it, they got the paperwork back yesterday).
So it pays to be a bitch sometimes, and believe me, I was a bitch with DH's lender. I just wish I could find the assholes who ran the scam called GCS. They would not even want to meet Helga, let alone PsychoBitch from Hell. I guess we'll just have to chalk that money up to experience, and let it go, but damn, that burns my hide, especially since I did research them and they seemed to be a legitimate company. Now, doing more research on them since their website has disappeared and their phone lines are disconnected, I find out they've fucked over a lot of people. DH and I are lucky, in that we didn't lose the house, and we managed to get the loan modification on our own, but there are a lot of people out there who relied on GCS who weren't so lucky. All we lost was $3,495 - they lost that and their homes.

Carpal tunnel surgery upcoming

Well, I finally got the results from the EMG test done on my right arm. I do have carpal tunnel, the nerve is pinched in my wrist and the neuroligist recommends surgery to fix it before any damage is done to the nerve. At least the numbness is just in my hand now, and isn't in my arm, shoulder, neck, and head anymore. I am wearing a wrist brace at night, and it seems to help some, but the numbness in my hand doesn't ever go completely away. Unfortunately, I can't have the surgery done right away as DH is scheduled on Dec 14th for a complete knee replacement (his left knee is bone-on-bone and he's in a lot of pain that ibuprofen and extra strength tylenol combined don't even touch). So I'll probably get that done in February, after DH is mostly healed, but before he goes back to work (so he can take care of me, since I'm right-handed and won't be able to use that hand much for a couple of weeks).
His doctor at the VA says that, at 53 (almost 54), he's really too young for a knee replacement, but the orthopedic surgeon we saw yesterday said that since the cortisone shots and SynVisc shots didn't work, and pain meds don't help, that replacement is the only thing left to do in order to lessen the pain. Evidently, replacement doesn't always totally get rid of the pain, but most of the time, it does. DH is willing to go for it, he says anything is better than what he's dealing with right now.
The surgery isn't going to be done at the VA, they aren't doing any new surgeries because they are so far behind, so we had to find a civilian hospital to do it. Luckily, there's one in Alexandria (only 25 miles away) and the surgeon who will be doing the knee replacement trained at the VA in Minneapolis (small world....lol).
Looks like DH will be off work for about 8 weeks. He has some pre-surgery exercises to do to strengthen the muscles around the knee, and then he'll probably have to go to the VA at St Cloud a couple of times a week for physical therapy after the replacement. We have a meeting about knee replacements to attend next week, an informational type thing, where they tell us what to expect in more detail, and what medications he needs to stop taking and how long before the surgery he needs to stop taking them.
We may end up paying for a couple of his visits to the surgeon, since the VA says they're only paying for one visit before surgery, the surgery itself, and one visit afterward. According to the scheduling nurse, after the surgery, there will be a visit to remove the staples (two weeks post-op), then a visit 4 weeks post-op, and another one 12 weeks post-op (and another one after a year has passed). I don't think the VA is going to want to pay for those last 3 visits, but I don't see how a PA or an ortho doc at the VA is going to be able to do the follow-up when they aren't ones who did the surgery. But, like DH says, if we have to pay for the visits, so be it, we'll find the money somewhere (probably will come out of the money we're saving on the house payment since we finally got the loan modification on the house, which is a whole 'nother post).

It's a crazy life, but it's my life

Quoting Jon Gosselin (who would of thought??).

My life is going to be a bit nuts the next few weeks, not that is hasn't been pretty crazy for several weeks, so really it's just the saga continuing.

My husband and I are leaving in about two hours for Fairbanks for Thanksgiving week with my sister, nieces and their families, and my brother and his wife. It'll be a bittersweet week since the patriarch of the family won't be at the dinner table Thanksgiving day. Here's the link to my brother-in-law's obituary. He lived a good life and I'm sure he's in a better place right now. It's just the rest of us that are suffering.

The Monday after Thanksgiving I'll be heading to Oakland for a week for work. Then a week in the office. December 14 I'll be off to Edmonton, Alberta (Canada) for a week. Immediately after that we're going to Denver to spend time with my husband's sister and family, and his dad. After that a week in Arkansas with my mother-in-law and her husband for New Years.

I'm exhausted just thinking about it all, but we both decided we need to spend more time with our loved ones. We chose to live far away from them mainly for financial reasons because this is where the jobs are in our field, not in Fairbanks or Denver or Arkansas. Tech jobs are here in Seattle. We're lucky in that we really like our families. I like his and he likes mine. We all get along really well.

As our relatives are getting older we want to spend as much time with them as possible. They won't be around forever and we want to be with them while we can, not regret having been too busy to travel to be with them.

My blog will be neglected for the next few weeks. I'm going to try my best to stay good with the eating and exercise. I'm at 175.4 this morning. Not great and certainly not where I want to be. My goal is to at least maintain until the end of the year. I'm not setting any unrealistic goals for myself. I know how this works when I travel. Exercise is difficult, although I will hit that treadmill at my sister's house and the hotel gyms when I'm on the road.

Happy holidays to everyone. Enjoy your families and your loved ones. Be kind to each other. You never know when it'll be the last time you see someone. Settle old grievances, nurture relationships.

It beats the alternative

It was almost impossible for me to get to the gym this morning. It was dark, pouring rain, windy and cold. At 5am it took every bit of energy I had to get out of bed, dressed in my workout clothes, get into the car and drive to the gym.

How did I do this all last winter? Even after I got to the gym this morning I had to force myself to work out. Maybe it's because I worked out late yesterday, 4pm-6pm, or maybe like so many others, I'm just tired of it all.

I was on the StairMaster thinking to myself, would it be so bad to die at 73? Let's say I stopped exercising today, stopped watching what I eat and just forget about being healthy. I wonder what would happen?

1. I'd be tired, sad, depressed, miserable. My self-esteem would plummet.

2. I wouldn't be able to do my job to the best of my ability.

3. My marriage would suffer because I wouldn't have any confidence and wouldn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I'd take it out on my husband.

4. I'd probably suffer a premature death, if I was lucky. More likely I'd get diabetes or some other dreaded weight-related illness and be in a wheelchair or go blind. I'd probably have to move into an assisted living home because I wouldn't be able to care for myself.

5. None of my clothes would fit. This doesn't sound like a really big deal, but having lost and gained a large amount of weight several times in my life, this would be really difficult for me. I'm already back into a size 12 and not happy about it. To gain any more weight would be devastating.

6. If in #2 I suffered a premature death, my husband would be left alone. He would be very sad. Even with the marital difficulties we've had over the years I know he loves me to pieces. It makes me sad to think of him being hurt because I was too stupid to take care of myself. Or worse yet, he'd have to take care of me if I became ill.

7. I would be walking around in a fog from the crappy food I was eating. A sugar-induced, refined foods fog. I don't want to live in a fog. I want to be awake for my life. Whether it's sadness or happiness, I want to experience it.

8. I would be in pain. When I was at my highest weight of 240 my knees and ankles hurt like hell. There was also something that hurt. I hate pain. I don't do it well. If I can prevent it then I will.

9. Sex wouldn't be as fun (maybe this should be #1).

10. I would kind of hate myself for being so stupid to let the nine things above happen to me.

Overall, it would be a miserable existence. Even though getting my butt out of bed and into the gym every morning isn't exactly a joyous experience, nor is counting my Points in everything I eat, it sure beats the alternative.

I now return you to my regularly scheduled programming.

Being home for a day has done wonders for my attitude and outlook on life.

During the past few weeks I was eating a lot of bad food in excess. Just for the record, I believe there are "bad" foods, things that probably shouldn't even be eaten in moderation. Unfortunately for me, I don't seem to have an ounce of moderation or control when it comes to these bad foods.

I was eating a lot of processed foods high in sugar, white flour and fat, and very little exercise. I've been in a fog for weeks. My brain hasn't been clear, and I felt like I wasn't really living in the here and now.

Perhaps it was the stress or laziness on my part, but my eating was very unhealthy. I could have and should have made healthier choices.

After just one day of being on plan and 90 minutes of exercise where I really pushed myself, I feel a hundred percent back to the old me. It's a really good feeling. It's true, we are what we eat.
I'm going to bed now. I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow, to going back to work where things are normal. Back to the gym in the morning. Back to my life.

Life is for the living

I took today off from work and stayed home, alone. I'm so exhausted from lack of sleep, stress and overwhelming sadness that I couldn't stand the thought of going back to work and explaining what happened during the last two weeks.

I'm actually doing much better. I went to a 10am Weight Watcher meeting and feel like I'm back in touch with life, and back to eating healthy and exercising.

I went crazy with the eating the last two weeks. The hospital cafeteria was only open three hours a day (and the food was horrible!). The other option was Subway, which was right next to the cafeteria. We usually only ate two meals a day, and I had to force my sister to eat anything. I, on the other hand, was on some sort of feeding frenzy, eating my emotions.

I ate a lot of vending machine candy, cookies, and ice cream (Dove bars). I managed to gain 7.2 pounds since my last weighin on October 10. I'm back up to 176.4.

The WW meeting was great and I feel totally back on track. I've barely exercised in the last seven weeks due to traveling for work and being in Anchorage and Fairbanks with my sister. I used her treadmill the last two days for a couple good walks. Today I'm going to the gym for a couple hours.

Now that I'm home and really thinking about Bill (my brother-in-law), it makes me want to get healthy. Seeing him connected to 23 machines to keep him alive was a real eye opener. He was 73, which is only 19 years older than me.

Athough he'd been a smoker for 40 years, the doctors said they've seen these same type of heart problems (clogged arteries, collapsed valve) in people who had never smoked. It was a guaranteed death sentence if you were a smoker. Even though he'd quit for 12 years, the damage was done. It can still happen if you have a bad diet, don't exercise and are overweight.

Since I really want to live longer than 73, I need to get back on track and get to my goal weight. I know the holidays are coming, but I feel in control again.

Even though life sometimes is full of sadness, it's also full of joy. Life is for the living and I want to live it to it's fullest. I can't do that by being overweight and out of shape.

Death is part of life

In spite of all the prayers, even my sister the atheist going to the hospital chapel and praying several times a day, my brother-in-law passed away last Wednesday. My sister, his wife of 51 years, and I held his hand and each other as the life support was turned off. He was gone within a few minutes.

This is just something we have to go through. Death is part of life. I don't like it but I accept it.

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers.

Hooray for expanded mobility!!!

I finally got my Rollator walker last week. This means that I can now shop in places that don't have electric carts (like some malls, and most stores). It also means that when DH wants to go to the local toy shows, pancake breakfasts, and Pioneer Power shows, we can actually go because I'll have the walker to lean on (and when my back cramps and I can't walk anymore, it has a seat so I can sit until the cramping goes away). I won't have to worry about standing in lines forever anymore (and let me tell you, the pancake breakfasts around here have some of the longest lines I've ever seen).
This is a picture of it:

I ordered it from amazon.com, it was originally priced at $595, I got it for $163.62 (and didn't have to pay any shipping and handling, got it 4 days after I ordered it). It has a weight capacity of 400 lbs, so it's well worth the money (and was mostly assembled, just had to install the handles with the brakes, the basket, and the back rest).
I know I'm probably going to get looks from people when they see me using it, since I'm a fat woman - "Oh noes, she's fat and using a walker, what a lazy fat fatty mcfatterson she is." (same shit when I use the electric carts at WallyWorld). But ya know what, I don't care. They don't live with the pain I have, they don't know anything about it (and I don't talk about it much in the meatworld), and if this is going to widen my horizons and let me get out more and do more with DH, then I'm all for it.
Hell, I can actually go shopping with him at Menard's now, since Menard's doesn't have those electric carts, and the one wheelchair they have sure as hell doesn't fit my fat ass (it might fit my D-I-L, who is 5' 10" and 150 lbs). I'll be able to spend more time shopping in individual stores because I'll have a place to sit when my back starts hurting because I've been standing for too long - which may not be a good idea, more time to shop means more time to spend money......
We even have a bike/walking trail that runs past our house that DH and I will finally be able to use in the summer time now (can't use it in the winter time, it's a snowmobile trail then, and those snowmobiles zoom by, even here in town).
I am so looking forward to finally being able to get out and about more than I have been. This Rollator walker is going to open up my life so much, I can't even think of all the ways it's going to help.

Please pray

My sister's husband suffered an extremely bad heart attack yesterday, while he was working out at the gym. They've been going to the gym five days a week for the last two years.

My brother-in-law had open heart surgery last night, a quadruple bypass, and mitral valve replacement. They've given him a 15% of survival. His heart is very damaged, his kidneys and lungs are shutting down. If you believe in God, please pray for him and my sister.

I'm in Anchorage, Alaska, staying in the hospital hotel with my sister. They've been married 51 years and this is breaking my heart.

Thank you.

In your life how efficient is your energy?





Reinventing The Body, Resurrecting The Soul by Deepak Chopra

In your life how efficient is your energy? Quiz on pg. 48.

My score: 17

17-25 points. Your life is barely your own because so much is out of your control. Daily life is a struggle just to keep things together, and most days you feel that you are losing the fight. On the periphery something very wrong is probably happening. You are being held back either psychologically or by bad circumstances. To get back on track, outside professional help will be needed.

Really?

7 mini Musketeers = 475 calories, 1 bike ride = 538 calories

Today, life is good. Even with the Musketeers. :)