The constant battle

I feel like I'm in the fight of my life with my weight, and I'm not winning. I'm constantly worrying about what I'm eating. Am I eating too much? Did I get enough protein? Did I get in at least some of the healthy eight? Did I drink enough water? Did I lose? Did I gain? How much do I weigh? What can I do to do better? It's making me insane.

Other people that have been doing this as long as me have it all figured out. There's Mary and Lynn and Tony and TJ and many others. They all get it. They know what to do and they do it. I know what to do, and I don't do it. What is different in their brain than my brain? Why can't I do this?

If I sound exasperated and frustrated and angry with myself, well, it's because that's how I feel today. Every day I attempt to get this right and every day I fail.

My weight this morning is 163.4. Not where I want to be. Obviously, I don't have the answers. If you do, please tell me the secret. Because I sure as hell can't seem to figure it out.

It's official, I'm on a D-I-E-T!

Call it what you want, lifestyle change seems to be the most popular term for losing weight these days, but for me, it's a DIET. I've been screwing around for months with this, up and down the same eight to ten pounds. Right now I'm up to 163. I put on my size 10 slacks this morning, the ones that run a little small but fit perfectly a couple months ago when I weighed 154. They zipped up okay, but my tummy sticks out. Even when I suck it in it still sticks out.

Next week I'm in Tulsa for re-certification of our software that's used at common use airports. I'll be working with several software engineers that I've been emailing and talking to on the phone for several months. These guys are smart, really smart. I'm not. I'm not an idiot, but I'm not a true geek when it comes to computers. I can get by okay, but I'm kind of a fake when it comes to being a software engineer. I'm the project manager on this project, not actually doing any coding, but it's assumed that I understand the coding and all the moving parts.

So what does this have to do with me losing weight? Everything! My self-confidence is directly linked to my weight. When I feel fat, I feel stupid. I know that probably doesn't make sense to most people, but it's how my brain works. I guess I can fake the smart thing better when I feel like I look good. I don't know if it's me or if it's how other people treat me, but when I feel confident in my looks, I feel smarter. It makes absolutely no sense as I write this, but it really is how I feel.

My immediate plan is to shed five pounds by Monday (4 days), when I have to be in the Tulsa office of our vendor. Before you all get crazy and tell me that's unrealistic to lose five pounds in four days, I know some of my weight is water weight. I've been eating a lot of salt lately. Putting salt on my food, eating lots of Seasonsed RyKrisp (very salty), so I'm pretty sure I can drop at least a couple pounds of water.

Goal for today:

Workout - 40 minutes cardio & 1 hour weights (done at 5 a.m. this morning)
Eat maximum of 24 Points today - this will be tough, but I'm going to give it my best shot.
Drink a ton of water - 64 oz. minimum - with ice - lots and lots of water
Embrace the hunger - something I haven't been doing for months. It's something I have to do to lose weight. It's a fact of life for me.
Smile - it's not that bad. The results will be worth it.

Lucy
She went home last night, but it wasn't a total happy ending. The family is really nice and were happy to see her, but they told me Lucy belongs to their 18-year old daughter who is leaving for college next month. They need to find a home for Lucy. Someone that has the time and energy to take care of her and give her the attention she deserves.

Unfortunately, that's not me right now. I work a lot and travel a lot for work and spend about two hours a day at the gym. My husband hates big dogs (long story), but I love them. I love all dogs. Anyway, she's home, safe in her big back yard. They promised me they wouldn't give her to anyone and they're definitely not taking her to the animal shelter. Funny thing, she and I bonded in just two days. I practically cried when I handed her over to them and then she ran back to me wagging her tail like crazy and tried to knock me over again. I really hope they find a good home for her. She deserves the best.

Lucy is going home!

Woohoo! I found the owner of the black lab. It took a bit of detective work, but I was able to track him down.

I called the Humane Society this morning, where she was adopted (AVID told me). They wouldn't give me the exact address, but said it was in the 2200 block of a street that's two blocks from my street. Best of all, they gave me the phone number that AVID had and when they called no one answered. AVID said the number must be bad and refused to give it to me.

I kept calling it all morning and no one answered, not even an answering machine, until about ten minutes ago. Finally someone picked up. He said they were worried sick about her getting onto the busy street two blocks from my house.

Her name is Lucy. Tonight Lucy gets to go home.

Tired to the bone

I don't usually write about the weather, but come on, 100 degrees in Seattle today! That's newsworthy. Thank God I let my husband intall three monster room air conditioners this year (at $500 a piece). I told him it was a waste of money and crazy and a bit white trashy to have window air conditioners. Who knew there would be a record heat wave this year.

Luckily I work in an air conditioned office, have an air conditioned car and now our home is basically air conditioned (kitchen, family room, bedroom).

So why am I tired to the bone? I sleep well, but wake up exhausted. It's a cool 67 degrees in our bedroom at night, just the way I like it (hubby says it's too cold). I even blew off my workout this morning. My excuse: I was too freaking tired to get up at 4:30 a.m.

I haven't even unpacked my suitcase from my vacation last week and need to repack for my next trip. I'm leaving on Sunday for a week in Tulsa (work). Just the thought of getting on another plane makes me crawl off to a cave somewhere and hibernate for the summer.

I'm going to walk the dog tonight (the found dog), and post some more signs for her. She's not leash trained although she can sit and shake hands. She loves to have her belly rubbed too. No, I am NOT keeping her although she's a really sweet dog. She acts like she's never been on a leash in her life. Since she's about five years old, that's kind of strange. That will be my workout today, the dog walking me. Basically that what it's like, her pulling me down the street. Unless her owner calls for her today or I can get more information from AVID.

I have one goal today, limit my eating and track my food. Also, attempt to get in the healthy eight eating guidelines. Surely I can accomplish this, at least for one day.

If only I wasn't so darn tired. All I can think about is how much I want to sleep.

I am not the dog whisperer

She's a black lab mix, big as a horse and strong as an ox, and she has that big goofy, sweet lab personality. She showed up on our front steps yesterday afternoon. We live two blocks from a busy street. If she got on that street I knew she would be a dead doggie. What else could I do but bring her into our fenced backyard? It was really a no-brainer.

I posted 15 signs in the neighborhood at 5 a.m. No calls. I've listed her as a found dog with the Humane Society and Pet Finder.

I took her to the vet tonight and had her scanned for a microchip. I literally jumped for joy when they said she had an AVID microchip. Then my heart sank when AVID called the contact numbers and came back on the line and said one number was disconnected and the other had no answer. They promptly gave up. I begged then for the owner's name. I'm a pretty good detective and there are ways of finding people. Something about a privacy rule.

I wrote AVID tonight and told them what I thought about their stupid rule. I want the owner's name and the phone number that doesn't get answered. I also listed her on the AVID website as a found pet.

After I got her home from the vet, I made sure she had plenty of water and food. Then she promptly wrapped the cable she's hooked to around my ankles and knocked me to the ground. I got so wound up in the cable that I thought my feet might get amputated at the ankles.

She jumped on me, trying to lick me to death. I thought I was never going to get up. I was rolling around on the ground trying to get to my feet. She kept wagging her tail back and forth in a crazy frenzy, smacking me in the face, and pushing me back to the ground. I was sure she was going to knock out my front teeth with her antics. I'm strong, but she's stronger. Crazy, stupid, sweet dog.

Moral of this story...if your pet is microchipped make sure your contact information is current. Old phone numbers that don't work aren't going to reunite you and your pet. I'll keep searching for her owner. I know someone misses her. She's a character and a sweetie. She deserves to go back to her people. And no, I'm not keeping her. I'm going to find her owner.

Diet and exercise
On the diet front, struggling big time. After nine days of an eating frenzy it's damn hard to get back in control. Good workouts yesterday and today, but my eating sucks. Nothing really bad, just too much of the healthy stuff. Same old story.

Back from vacation, and I have no regrets

I got home around 11 p.m. last night, but didn't get to sleep until almost 1 a.m. Lots of catching up with the hubby last night/this morning. Turns out he really missed me while I was gone for nine days. I should do solo vacations more often. Right now I'm exhausted. The typical I need a "vacation to recoup from my vacation" story.

I had a really great time in Alaska, I always do. Did lots of stuff, lots of visiting with everyone, and lots of pictures (about 500 pictures--gotta love a 2GB memory stick). I'll post the pictures later, right now I'm late for work.

No exercise to speak of except swimming every day, but not swimming for exercise. It was swimming for fun, mostly playing with the kids or floating around on an inflatable chaise lounge. Even though it was 75-80 degrees all week, the water temperature was 68-70 degrees, which is very cold. Every time I got in the water it took my breathe away. The only way to stay warm was to keep moving, so I got a little exercise.

I weighed this morning, and I'm up to 163.4. I thought I had gained a lot more because it turned out to be an eating frenzy week. When you have kids around, there's a lot of junk food. Plus lots of family dinners with tons of food, and two Sunday brunches at the best brunch place in town. The brunch included 18 feet of desserts, and I had one of each. I just couldn't resist all the temptation.

Today is back to work and back to healthy eating, counting Points and exercise. Also a detox from the sugar. I think I ate more sugar last week than I have in the last year.

Even though it was fun eating all kinds of good food (Tillamook Udderly Chocolate is my new favorite ice cream), I'm glad to be home and back in control of what I eat. The next couple of days will be tough, but once I get through them it'll just be part of my routine again.

I have no regrets.

Results from neurologist

Well, I got to see the neurologist today and found out why my doctor referred me to her. The MRI found some small lesions on my brain and my doctor wanted to rule out MS (which I don't have, thank Maude). So, for the migraine headaches, I get to take topamax every day, and if I still get a migraine, then I get to take fiorinal to get rid of it. Have to go back in 2 months and see how I'm doing with the meds (and I have to keep a diary of when I get a headache, day and time, and what I was doing when I got it, and so on and so forth). I'm hoping that the meds keep me from having them, they aren't any fun at all (nausea and sensitivity to light and sound make them worse). Dr D said the topamax might make me lose a couple of pounds, but not to worry about it unless I lost a lot of weight suddenly (all she wanted to know about my weight was if it was staying the same).

The Cymbalta and relafen aren't doing much for the back pain, but they seem to be helping with the fibro (I actually sleep better at night and feel like doing more during the day). The rooster comb shots haven't done much for my arthritic knees, they still hurt most of the time, just not as bad (until I try to walk across the yard or any other uneven ground). I see my PCP next week, so we'll see what she says then.

Jon and Tina are bringing the dog up this weekend so DH and I can take him to the vet to be neutered. Where they live, it would cost them $450 to have it done, our vet only charges $175 to $190 (depending on how much Max weighs). So DH and I are having that done for them for their Christmas present.
We took our cats to the vet for their yearly shots, and they've both lost a little bit of weight (FatCat went from 17 lbs to 14.7, and Slick went from 16 lbs to 14.2, so it's not like they're skin and bones). Both of them are really healthy, well, other than Slick liking to gorge himself, barf it up, and then go eat some more. I swear that cat must be bulimic or something (DH calls him Puker half the time).

The last time Jon and Tina came up, we all went to the drive-in theater (we saw Land of the Lost and The Taking of Pelham 123). I should have known that LotL was a comedy when I saw that Ben Stiller was in it (I don't much care for him), but it was pretty good. And TtoP123 was a lot better than I expected it to be. John Travolta makes a very good villain, and did an excellent job in this movie. DH even liked it, and he wasn't sure he would. I haven't seen the original, nor have I read the book, so I don't have a clue if anything was different this time around, but I liked the movie. We're going to the drive-in this weekend to see that new Ice Age movie, Dawn of the Dinosaurs. Don't remember what's playing with it. If Jon and Tina come up on Saturday, they'll go with us. Tina had never been to a drive-in and really likes it....lol She can't get over the fact that you get to see two movies for $5 per person (so it's $20 for the 4 of us, and we take a cooler with our own soda and ice). The only thing we buy at the drive-in is a tub of popcorn to split.

I bought one of those Topsy-Turvy planter things and planted a couple of tomato plants. Wasn't sure we would even get any tomatoes this year since the directions said you had to have a week of 50 degree nights before you could put them outside. We don't have anywhere inside to hang the darn thing, so they didn't get planted and hung outside until the middle of June. They aren't growing down like they show in the commercial, the plants are growing up around the planter, with just some of it hanging down. We do have 5 tomatoes so far, and a lot more blossoms, so I'm hoping we get enough tomatoes that I can put some of them up for goulash and chili this winter.

And I found out the hard way that steam is nothing to be careless around. I was frying some boneless, skinless chicken breasts for dinner the other night and put the lid on the frying pan to finish steaming them. When I took the lid off to check them, damned lid tilted and the steam burned my arm, on the inside just below my elbow. Ran cold water over it right away, but I burned it pretty good, it's blistered. So I've been keeping Neosporin + pain first aid cream on it and covering with a bandage so I don't rip the blisters open. At least it's quit hurting now (the ice pack that evening helped too).

We got to watch the parade for Sinclair Lewis Days from our driveway again this year. They changed the parade route so that they wouldn't have to close the main highway through town, and it comes right past our house. We also got to watch the fireworks from our front yard, they set them off over the lake, just about a block and a half from where we live. And on Wednesday nights during the summer, they have concerts in the bandshell across the street from our house, so that's pretty cool too. They also have the craft show/sale in the park across the street from our house, so I don't have to drive and worry about parking if I want to go to it. They have some pretty neat stuff, usually about 30 or 40 vendors, and a lot of them come back every year.

Leaving on a jet plane...VACATION!

Finally, a week of play. Even though this is probably one of the absolute worst times for me to leave work, I'm taking vacation. As my manager put it, there isn't a good time for me to go on vacation so just go.

I'm tired to the bone. Long hours for the last few weeks, burning the candle at both ends, catching a cold, more long hours. It has all wore me down to a deep tiredness that even a good night's sleep can't seem to shake.

Today is laundry, packing, running a few errands, cleaning up a few loose ends for work, the gym, and then catching a plane tonight to Fairbanks, Alaska.

These are my most favorite vacations. Complete and total downtime at my sister and brother-in-law's house that's 30 miles south of Fairbanks (on 400 acres). Staying up late talking, sleeping in, leisurely, slow-paced, relaxing.

We'll go swimming every day in their "gravel pit" swimming pool (you have to be from Alaska to understand). The weather forecast is for sunshine and 70's and 80's all week. We'll probably drive down to our old homestead about 80 miles south of Fairbanks, where I grew up as a kid. We always go out to Chena Hot Springs for a day. Plus it's Golden Days week in Fairbanks, which is a week long celebration of the discovery of gold. People dress up in early 1900's costumes, there's the Grande parade, and it's always fun time in Fairbanks during Golden Days.

There will be a few big family dinners with all the kids, about 15 people. My brother lives there too, as well as my two adult nieces that I adore, and their families and kids. I'm blessed with a great family. My family are people I'd be really good friends with even if we weren't related.

Of course, there's always a couple of black sheep in every family, but they aren't my blood relatives so they don't really count. Let's see, there's the alcoholic sister-in-law and the cross dressing nephew-in-law (they both live in Fairbanks). Makes life interesting at times.

Eating won't be a problem, my sister has been a health nut way before it was fashionable. Organic, whole foods and she eats like a bird. Except there's always candy, cookies, and ice cream, for the "grandkids". I'm not worried, that stuff doesn't bother me much lately. I've been feeling strong on the food front for some reason. I'm not sure what changed, but things like "frosting" haven't been appealing.

I'll have internet access but I usually don't get on the computer much when I'm there except to check work emails. So I'll be out of touch for a whole week. I hope everyone has a great week. Stay strong, try to eat clean, and get some exercise. Exercise is key to this whole lifestyle. You won't succeed without it.

The voices in my head

There's a "good" voice and a "bad" voice constantly talking in my head. It drives me nuts sometimes. Today the conversation about working out went like this:

It can't be 5am already! I just went to sleep. I'm not working out today, I'm too tired!

Get your butt out of bed. Remember, this is how it starts.

But I think I'm getting bronchitis. I have that weird tickle thing in my lungs, like last time.

You didn't cough all night, get up. Now!

Don't wanna!

30 minutes later I'm up

I don't want to go to the gym. So tired. It's too late anyway. I need to go to work early today. No time for the gym.

Okay, but pack your gym bag, you're going after work.

Why? If I'm too tired now I'll be too tired at 6pm.

Pack the bag.

I pack the bag anyway, but stay late at work leaving around 7:30 pm.

I'm so tired, I think I'll just go home.

No, you're going to the gym. It's not up for discussion.

No, I'm going home.

Gym.

Home.

We'll think about it on the way home.

I eat 2 cups of icy cold watermelon chunks left over from my lunch, with my fingers, on the drive home/gym. I drink a whole water bottle of water. I'm starting to feel better.

I feel better, I think I'll go to the gym. I'll get my second wind when I get there and start working out.

Really Diana, don't you want to go home? Don't you feel just a little sick from that cold you had on Sunday? You're so tired. It's hot out, probably hot in the gym too. It's so late, almost 8pm. Go home.

Nope, going to the gym. Shut up about it because you're not going to win this argument.

Seriously, that's how it went today. This is only part of it, the conversation was back and forth all freaking day.

I worked out for an hour and 45 minutes. Great workout even though my beloved StairMaster is still broken. I can barely move my arms they're so tired and already sore from the weights I lifted.

I don't usually have this tough of a time going to the gym. I usually don't even think about it, I just do it. Today there was an inner battle going on inside of me. A fight, me against me.

Perhaps that sounds weird, perhaps I'm really ready for the loony bin, crazytown or whatever you want to call it. Or perhaps I've learned what's best for me, and to ignore that negative, stupid voice in my head that wants me to be lazy and fat again. I don't know who she is or why she thinks she can boss me around, but I think not.

The almost perfect green monster & HFCS

I keep talking about my four-part plan to get to goal, but not writing about it. I'm still working on it, but I will tell you one part:

changing what I eat

I'm a creature of habit and in the past 17 months I've basically stuck to the same foods, with little variation. I have eaten the exact same breakfast for months and months. I can make in it in about a minute, it's pack full of protein and I love it.

It's my skinny-downed egg mcmuffin for 6 Points. Real egg (organic, free-range of course), real 2% cheddar, Thomas multi-grain muffin, low-fat Canadian bacon. But every morning? Day after day, month after month.

I know this is bad. I know the importance of eating a variety of foods. It's key in weight loss and in health. There's nothing wrong with my breakfast, but there aren't any fruits or vegetables in it. That means I have to pack them into the rest of my day. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't (usually I don't).

So after reading blog after blog about the green monsters I've been giving them a try. So far I've been less than impressed. Until this morning. I figured out what I didn't like about them and fixed it. I don't like super thick, not icy cold drinks. Yucky. This morning I had a monster and it was almost perfect, just a little too sweet. Tomorrow I'm leaving out the WW smoothie mix (too many chemicals anyway) and adding another scoop of goat whey (for an extra 15 grams of protein and 1.5 Points).

2 big handfuls of fresh spinach - 0 Points
One scoop goat whey protein powder - 1.5 Points
One WW smoothie mix - 1 Point
2 cups watermelon - 2 Points
1 small banana - 1.5 Points
1 cup water
2 cups crushed ice <-----aha! this is a key ingredient

Total Points = 6

This was good, except being too sweet. It made a really large portion.

I also whipped up a batch of fresh hummus this morning. Usually I buy it, but it only took a couple of minutes to make it. I didn't use a recipe, it was garbanzo beans, olive oil, lemon juice, garlic and I threw in some sun dried tomatoes we had on hand, a little sea salt and pepper. Put all that stuff in the food processor, mixed it up and instantly had yummy hummus without any weird junk in it. No idea on the Points but I only use a little over a tablespoon on my wrap instead of mayo, so I count it as a Point.

Now off to face the battleground I call my work place. Lately I feel like I'm getting beat to death every day. Project managing isn't at all what I thought it would be. It looks so easy but it's really not. There are so many things to worry about on a project, and I feel like I'm being pulled in every direction. The good thing is I'm too busy during the day to even think about food. The bad thing is I'm too busy during the day to even think about food. :)
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Dinner last night

In an effort to cook more and make a variety of food, I made a stir fry last night. Onions, garlic, Roma tomatoes (squeezed out the insides so not soupy), snow pea pods, red bell pepper, and a little olive oil and then I added the shrimp.

I couldn't decide what spices to use so my husband, trying to help, told me to try the Maui Sweet & Sour sauce he bought last weekend. I looked at the calories and fat and two tablespoons was 60 calories and .5 grams fat, or one Point.

As I was adding in the sauce, which tasted wonderful, my husband read the ingredients on the bottle (remember - he bought this stuff). He said, "oh NO!". What? Does it contain peanuts? (I'm allergic). No, the number one ingredient was...HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP. I doused our healthy vegetables and shrimp with HFCS. Nice. Yes, we ate it and yes, it was wonderful. Gotta love that HFCS.

No drama today

I like Tony, the Anti-Jared guy. He meant me no harm with his post yesterday. I know that now.

In the past year I've watched Tony evolve into a kind and caring person, especially during the past few months. I think it might have something to do with that tiny newborn son of his that's changed him in ways he didn't expect. Babies tend to have that effect on people.

Or maybe Tony was always like this but it just took me a while to really see him for who he is, a really good person.

I'm not hurt, and he's not hurt. I'll continue to follow his blog. I never did stop.

End of story.

Don't want to be bedridden in your old age? Read this!

I worked until 8pm today, another 12-hour work day. Long story and I won't bore you with it. I don't really have a choice. Perhaps unemployment, but that's not really an option.

I was home by 8:30pm, after deciding not to go to the gym tonight. I had a horrible night's sleep last night, coughing and tossing and turning, the sleep of the old and the sick. I had skipped my morning workout. This makes four days of not working out.

I was whining to my husband that this is how it starts, miss one day, then two days, then four, next thing you know it's been a month of not working out. Four days of no gym is a near record for me in the past 17 months. He started telling me that I needed to ease up on myself, that I was going to make myself sicker and blah blah blah. We've had this dicussion many times in the past.

As if on cue, right at that very moment a program came on PBS about Aicar and it's effect on the human body. It's some sort of 'exercise in a pill" drug (not FDA approved, yet). I was fascinated, but one part really touched a nerve with me.

They talked about how Aicar could be helpful for the elderly that are bedridden and can't exercise. They did an experiment on a healthy 60-year old woman (remember, I'm almost 54). She stayed in bed for ten days, and wasn't allowed to get out of bed for anything, not even allowed to sit up. In ten days of bed rest her muscles aged....are you ready for this? Fifteen years! Ten days of bed rest was equivalent to aging 15 years. She had also lost two pounds of muscle from her legs alone in those ten days!

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? OH MY GOD! These are damn scary statistics.

If you want to watch the videos, they're here. The program will be online in it's entirety on July 15.

All of it was interesting, but I was really intrigued about the Aiding Aging Muscles. Most of you reading this are mere children compared to me, but keep this in mind for when you get older. Exercise is essential, not optional (unless you want to end up in a wheelchair or completely bedridden).

Yeah, try to keep me out of the gym tomorrow morning. No way in hell am I going to miss another workout.
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In a effort to prove to you guys that I eat more than enough food, I'm going to start posting what I eat every day. You'll be amazed at how much food I eat on this unintentional maintenance thing I've been doing. More tomorrow about my plan to get back on plan and actually lose weight again.

Breakfast
Coffee with nonfat sugar-free creamer
(the creamer is a bad habit that started recently and must stop) - 1
1 free-range organic fed chicken egg (from a friend that has chickens in his backyard) - 2
1 Thomas Light multi-grain muffin -1
1 sl. 2% extra sharp cheddar cheese (3/4 ounce) -1.5
4 sl. extra lean Canadian bacon - 1
Points = 6.5

Lunch
1 Light Flatout bread (sundried tomato) -1
5 oz. turkey breast - 5
Spinach, 1/2 cup - 0
Tomato, 1/2 cup - 0
Light mayo, 1 T (usually use hummus but was out) - 1
Points = 7

Afternoon snack:
2 cups fresh blueberries - 2 .5
Points = 2 .5

Dinner
(this is unusual but it's late, almost 10pm, and I'm not at all hungry because I'm still a little sick)
6 oz. yam slices, baked with two teaspoons olive oil and sea salt - 3 + 2.5 = 5.5
1 cup 1% organic milk - 2
Points = 7.5

Total Points for the day = 23.5

Without any APs, I'm allowed 19 daily Points, plus 5 weeklies, or 24 Points maximum. I was within my Point range for the day.

This was a strange day. Too busy at work for snacks, and I'm really not very hungry. A very rare occurrence for me and one I intend to take advantage of.

By just typing out what I ate today I can see major flaws. Not enough protein or veggies or fruits or dairy. I'll do better tomorrow.

Getting old sucks!

My sister is 17 years older than me. I'll be 54 in a few weeks and she'll be 71. It's actually kind of nice having a sister so much older because in a way, I can sort of foresee my future. On the other hand I know I'm going to outlive her and that breaks my heart. She's one of my very best friends.

The good news is she's healthy as a horse. She's also beautiful (she got the looks and the smarts), and she looks like she's in her early 50's. She looks my age. She eats healthy, watches her weight and goes to a water aerobics class five times a week, every week.

She's has never had a major illness and has only been hospitalized three times in 71 years, for the birth of her three children. This was exactly like our mother, three kids, three hospitalizations. Our mom lived until she was 86 and went from healthy one day to a coma the next and five days later she was gone. The doctor didn't know what caused her death. It's a long story, but we think moving from her own home to an assisted living home ten months earlier is what killed her, but that's another story.

Here's what my sister told me yesterday about getting sick when you're older. It's true that the symptoms seem more severe, that colds last longer and generally she feels much worse than when she was younger. A little cold will put her in bed for a week whereas when she was younger she went to work with a cold. Just like me, she said they knock her to her knees these days.

So my unscientific research tells me that getting old sucks. Oh wait, I already knew that!

I'm sick of being sick

I have a cold. Yesterday was the worst of it, I seriously thought I was going to die. I wanted to die. Today is better, but I'm still under the weather.

Something odd I've noticed the last few times I've gotten sick since losing 85 pounds. I seem to get sicker. The symptoms are more intense, I feel worse. Even a simple cold isn't a simple cold anymore. It knocks me to my knees. The cat bite, it almost killed me. The last time I had the flu, it turned into a month long bout of bronchitis.

I really don't understand this. I take vitamins, I eat really healthy for the most part, I exercise like a lunatic, yet my immune system seems weaker, like it can't handle the simplest of illnesses.

I'm physically stronger, I can lift heavier weights, walk farther, work out harder, but my body seems very susceptible to getting sick. I don't like this. When I was fat, a cold was just a cold. Now it feels like it's a death sentence. What's up with this? Anyone else notice this, that you're sicker now that you weigh less? It just doesn't compute.

I want a divorce because you're fat -- Part 2

In April I wrote a post entitled I want a divorce because you're fat. It was about a friend of mine who is overweight, and his wife was divorcing him because he is 150 pounds overweight.

I haven't talked to him since April. He stopped by my cubicle yesterday and we chatted about how things were going, about his divorce. I could see a sadness in him that I hadn't seen before.

I told him about my post I had written after our lunch, and the surprising number of people that had posted comments. Some siding with him and some siding with his wife. He asked to read the post so I sent it to him, with the comments.

Here's the email he sent me after he read the post and the comments other people had posted. This is from Ben:

D ~

Thanks. That was amazing to read.
It really puts things into perspective for me.

I don't blame her a bit for wanting to leave me. I did not do anything to correct the problem and did not give her any hope that I would.

With so many years of issues (baggage) stored in our closet, like not playing ball with the kids, not taking family vacations, not doing any exercises with or without her, what choice did I really give her? I was always way too focused on making money with my home business to provide the family with money to buy whatever they wanted because I was not available physically to do the things that normal size people do with their families. And the snowball just continued to roll down hill over the years.

Yes my family has a history of medical issues that are very serious and I should be doing something to prevent that from happening to me, but I didn't.

I don't really know what I was looking for in life, but for what ever reason didn't feel I was getting it from home.

I always felt like I was missing a role model in life to emulate as a good father and husband. But with my father-in-laws death two days before our wedding and having to bury him one day after, and my father that was a wife beater and alcoholic I really did not have anyone to emulate what it was that I should do for myself and my family.

So I guess my struggle was to do my best given what little knowledge I could gather along the way in life.

The last positive thing I can remember hearing from my wife was that I was a good provider, just not a good companion.

Please share this comment with your blog because I want them to know that sometimes you just don't get the story of life until you read the last page of the last chapter, and by then its to late to go back and make any changes.

Guess it is time to pick up a new book. Anyone got any suggestions for a good read on a 40+ Male, struggling to loose weight, and make ends meet now that he's on his own, with a full time job, and a business of 20+ customers and a desire to be a successful entrepreneur, so he can send his two kids to college starting in four years?

Oh well in my book LIFE does and will go on, it will just be a little different.

Thanks for the insights.

~ B

I want anyone out there that is overweight to realize what they're missing in life. I'm not saying someone should divorce their spouse because they're overweight. But I am saying if you're the overweight spouse, you are missing a lot in life and that it has a negative impact on your spouse and on your marriage.

I was that spouse, the overweight person in the marriage who didn't want to go anywhere or do anything. I was missing out on life and so was my husband. He never threatened divorce, but honestly, I would understand it if he had chosen that route.

The whole thing is sad. Ben realized too late the importance of his family and the importance of being healthy. It's not too late for you.

Still standing

After going to bed at 1 a.m I was up at 5 a.m. and at the gym by 5:30 a.m. I read my post from last night/this morning. I need some cheese with that whine. I guess I don't do well after 15 hours at work.

My workout this morning was great, which surprised me. I got a lecture from my husband about burning the candle at both ends. I know it's not healthy but sometimes it's not really a choice.

The guy friend at the gym acted weird this morning. He said hi, but kept walking. I guess being married makes me off limits to talk to. It was a little awkward but I understand. At least I can focus on my workout and not worry about him talking to me. Although he was really sweet and very complimentary to me, which is probably why I never mentioned I was married. He's also a cutie.

All my really good work friends are guys and we talk about everything. We're all married and it's not weird at all. I guess the date thing is probably what's making it strange. Hopefully we can get past that and talk like friends. Male/female relationships...difficult sometimes.

Tip for the day from The Beck Diet Solution by Judith S. Beck. It's from one of the tear-out cards in the back of the book - you're suppose to read them several times a day and follow the suggestions.

eat mindfully

I need to eat slowly and mindfully while sitting down--EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Funny for the day:

My work day from hell

I just got home from work about 30 minutes ago, and please note it's 12:30 A.M.!

Worst work day ever! My project is in status red. Red is bad.

It started with getting called as I'm driving 75 mph to work, Las Vegas begging for help with a computer that refuses to load our software. Flight delays because it won't work (flight delays - very bad). I don't know what to tell them but we get it figured out later.

The absolute worst part of my day, I got sucked into making code changes for a production bug that went out Monday. It was a very high visibility project. Not project, but one where the directors and vps are chomping at the bit that it goes out perfectly. So everyone is breathing down my neck...are you done yet? Is it fixed yet? Can we start testing now? No. No. And NO!

The testers were going to stay all night until I had a version to test. I finally told them to get out of there, it wouldn't be ready until in the morning.

The person that wrote the code was off work today and couldn't be reached (home and cell, no answer). Even better than that is that someone else made a bug fix yesterday and then left for Las Vegas this morning (work stuff). That bug fix seemed to have introduced three new bugs (all MAJOR, of course).

I was at work until after 11:30 p.m. fixing bugs in other people's code I hadn't touched until today. I haven't even written a line of code for at least six months. When I got home I remembered some scenarios I didn't test so I got on my work computer to test some more. Thank God it all seems to work.

The only good part of the day was that I don't think I thought of food once (and yes, I'm hungry!).

I had a really great workout this morning. I rocked it. I can honestly say I love working out. Some days it's a little difficult, but most days I truly enjoy it. It's been almost seventeen months since I started working out 5-7 days a week (currently I average six days with one day off). Love it! I'll be there again in a few hours at 5 a.m.

I was asked out on a date at the gym this morning. I said no thank you, and I told him I'm married. Awkward. He's 38 (I'm almost 54). Silly boy. Then he said maybe we could just be friends. Friends at the gym, no where else (but stop talking to me please!).

No iPod, no workout?

Nada. You know me better than that. When I realized I'd left my iPod at work I almost started to cry. I can't workout without my music. I've tried it before and it was a disaster. I own three iPods but the two I have at home had dead batteries (note to self, keep an extra iPod loaded with current music and charged).

What to do? No music, no way was I going to the gym. Then I decided...bike ride! I've never ridden my bike at 5:30am. It was the best bike ride I've ever done. I added some miles to the end to make it an even 12 miles. Lots of hills, and it took an hour.

I saw a gazillion bunnies, baby bunnies, big bunnies, white-tailed bunnies, brown-tailed bunnies, bunnies chasing each other. Maybe not a gazillion, but I stopped counting at 19. It must be the year of the rabbit because they were everywhere.

I also saw a lady race walking, then about a fourth mile after her was an overweight dog, dragging a leash, going as fast as he could walk, he looked like he was racewalking. He walked right by me so I guess the race walker was his owner, although she was no where in sight as he passed me. Kind of strange.

Then I saw a guy pushing a wheelbarrow with two big boxes strapped together. He could barely see over the boxes. Also weird. The trail doesn't run along a road, it's through the woods and to the mall. I guess that's where he was going with those boxes at 5:30am.

I saw new graffiti on the fence that runs behind the fancy house neighborhood. I bet that really ticks off the people that live there. You can see where they keep painting over it and the graffiti keeps reappearing.

The weird thing about no music while riding my bike was all the sounds I noticed. The birds singing, the wind whipping by my ears, the sprinklers in the park (that are aimed at the sidewalk and not the grass!), the talking crosswalk. I had no idea it talked to me, saying, "Hello! Press the red button to cross the road.", and the squeak in my bike tire as it rotates.

I also looked around a lot more and really took in my surroundings. I guess I get so into my music that I've been missing a lot of stuff. It was kind of cool to just take it all in.

It was also cloudy and colder than a witch's tit this morning. My dad would say that when I was a kid, and my mom would say "Clifford!". We lived near Fairbanks, Alaska so he said that a lot. I forgot about that until this morning.

Breakfast this morning was a green monster shake. I'm not sure I like these. I know it's healthy, but I prefer my muffin/egg/Canadian bacon/cheese sandwich for 6 Points. This was my green monster:

1 cup frozen raspberries - 1
1 medium banana - 2
2 cups spinach - 0
1 WW smoothie mix - 1
2 scoops goat whey - 3
2 cups water

Total of 7 Points. The spinach alone has 110% RDA of vitamin A and 40% vitamin C. The goat whey has 30 grams of digestible protein. The smoothie mix was a dairy. So it's healthy and tastes okay, it just doesn't taste like real food. I prefer to chew my food rather than drink it.

That's all folks, a rambling post with no point. Such is my life.

Bad weekend eating made for a difficult workout

If I ever thought what I ate didn't affect my workout, I was proven wrong this morning.

I was at the gym by 5:40am. It was a struggle getting out of bed. I was groggy, tired, grumpy, and even gave a passing thought to just staying in bed. I somehow managed to get up, get dressed and out the door. I've been doing this consistently for many months so I'm pretty much on auto-pilot in the mornings.

Once at the gym, I climbed onto the StairMaster stair climbing system and thought 'I don't want to do this'. It was hard. REALLY hard. Harder than it's ever been for me. I always start at level 6 and increase a level every five minutes for thirty minutes until I'm at level 10 for the last five minutes. I thought I was going to die this morning. I had a pain in my side and my heart felt like it was going to burst right out of my chest. It was the most difficult workout I've had in months, maybe even years (I've been doing this for 17 months).

I did my upper body workout, adding in a new exercise I found on a blog, and I can't remember which blog. I read so many that I forgot to mark it, but if you read this, thank you! It's a great website for strength training. The exercise is the Dumbbell Arnold Press. It's a variation of the dumbbell military press that I've been doing in my upper body workouts.

I did seven upper body exercises, three sets each, increasing weight and decreasing reps for each exercise (most of them I start at 15 reps, then 12, then 8 on the heaviest weight). It took 45 minutes, and it was pure and absolute TORTURE!

I got through it and I'm glad I did, but it was extremely difficult. Was the fun of eating whatever I wanted over the weekend worth the pain of my workout this morning? That's an emphatic NO! It was totally not worth it at all.

I'm back full force this morning. Healthy eating, staying within my Points limit, absolutely no alcohol - ever! Water, tons and tons of water today to get these toxins out of my body. I'm feeling strong, like I can this.

Every day we get to have a do-ever. Screwed up it the last two days? Do it right today. That's where I am right now. Thank goodness I'm back.

One became two, two became....

Yesterday I had the holiday as an excuse for my out of control eating. Today I screwed up again.

It didn't help that I bickered with my husband on and off all morning which made our date this afternoon a little stressful. It's hard to be happy with each after arguing over such minutia like the garbage. Or me almost burning down the house with my cooking (he didn't see the humor). It was a lousy day, which I used as an excuse to eat.

I didn't eat anything fun like steak or potato salad or frosting, just too much of the healthy stuff. Too much skinless, baked chicken breasts, too many cherries, too much sugar-free mint chocolate chip ice cream. Too much food. The only good thing is it's 10pm, and I'm not at all hungry.

From past experience I know how this works. First it's just one day, then two, then before I know it, it's been a month and I've gained 10-15 pounds, then six months later and I've gained 60 pounds. I've been down this road before.

My plan for tomorrow is to hit the gym first thing in the morning. Then count my Points and drink lots of water. Two days will NOT become three days.

Me + wine = trouble

Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it; it is good only for wallowing in."
~Katherine Mansfield

There's not a whole lot to say after the title of my post. I ate my heart out yesterday. It started with a couple glasses of wine, which always makes me not care about my eating. I know better than to drink and eat.

Then it was barbecued T-bone steak AND chicken with the skin. Chicken skin, how I love thee. Potato salad, I forgot how good white potatoes with real mayo tastes. Like a little bit of heaven. It was a true pigfest.

This was after I biked to the gym, did the StairMaster for 25 minutes and an insane lower body workout for 45 minutes, then biked home, for 640 calories burned. Even with all the exercise, my debacle afterwards put me way over on Points. After the third glass of wine, I stopped counting and truly didn't care anymore.

It's a new day, and I don't regret yesterday one bit. I ate too much and drank too much, but I had fun, and now it's back to eating well and exercising. Life goes on.

Post-frosting report

Your comments on my frosting confession were so sweet (ha! pun intended). Seriously, you make me feel like I'm not such a freak for some of the stupid stuff I do.

I've put the frosting incident behind me, probably literally behind me as I'm sure it's planted itself on my big fat butt. I threw the other half of the can away when I saw the expiration date. It really didn't taste very good anyway. It was a sweet, chemical bitter taste, that's the only way I can describe it. Maybe it was the expiration date, maybe that's just the way it tastes. Regardless, it's gone.

I know I'll never be "cured" of this obesity disease. Sometimes I feel so strong, like I've conquered it. Then I have moments, sometimes hours or days or weeks (even months and years) where it consumes me. All I can think about is getting my next fix. If I succumb, like I did with the frosting, then I'm filled with remorse. I know this is a disease of some kind, maybe a disease of the mind or the body, I'm not sure. What I am sure of is that it's a sickness that's hell to be cursed with, and I will be fighting it every day of my life.

Putting all that aside, back to my 15 pounds in 15 weeks. I'm working on my plan to get there. It's four parts, Food, Exercise, Weight Watchers (living it for real), and the last part, not really about losing the weight, but it's called "stepping outside of myself". More on the plan later. I'm actually excited about it.

Busy day today, the refrigerator man is coming this morning. We've been using the garage refrigerator for two weeks, very annoying.

I've been given the task of getting emisisons testing on his truck. First time in our almost 21 years of marriage he's trusting me with this task. I know, silly, but he thinks it's a man thing to have an emissions test done. Anything car-related is his "job". Since two "man-jobs" need to be done today, he chose staying home to "make sure the repairman does the job right". So I get to take his truck in for an emissions test.

I also "get" to take my car in for an oil change. Something I've only done once in 21 years. It's not that I mind doing this stuff, it's just that my husband has always done it.

I feel like a big girl today, in the good sense of that term. I get to do car stuff .

Happy almost 4th!

A confession

This is what I discovered in my pantry late last night:

I ate half of it, with a spoon, standing alone in the kitchen at 11:30pm. It tasted funny, kind of like chemicals. I didn't remember buying it. I looked for an expiration date. August 2008. Gross!

I guess I'm not cured after all, not if I can still do stuff like this.

So much for losing a pound a week. I'll probably gain a pound this week...if I don't die from eating rancid frosting.

Physical therapy is a bust

Well, I gave it my best shot, but physical therapy just isn't doing much for my back. The two exercises I was given to do just made the back pain worse, and both of them were very hard on my knees. I am keeping up with the walking in the pool for exercise, however, because that doesn't make my back hurt worse afterward, and it's easy on my knees (and the hot tub helps a lot with that too).
I went back to see my doctor and told her the physical therapy didn't help. So now we're trying Cymbalta and Relafen for a month to see how that works for the pain (and there are other options she's willing to try if these don't work). She also said that there's a back and neck place in St Cloud that she can refer me to, maybe they would have some ideas on how to strengthen my back muscles without making my knees scream at me. I told her that I was considering buying one of those wheeled walkers with a seat. That way, I could go for walks and when my back cramps up, I have a place to sit until it quits hurting and then I can walk some more. She said to see if Medicare would pay for it, and if they will, she'll write me a prescription for it. She also asked if I had ever been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I think because the Cymbalta is one of the drugs they give to people with fibro to help with the pain. I told her I hadn't had a formal diagnosis, and she said that fibro was difficult to diagnose, but that could be something to look into also.
Seems like now that she's seen I'm willing to make an effort to follow her directions/suggestions, she's more willing to come up with more ideas on how to manage my back pain. I can get on board with that. I also think it helps that I let them weigh me today (and I wanted to see where I was at too), and I haven't gained any weight since February. I'm maintaining, which is fine with me. Maude knows I don't want to gain any more weight, but I don't think I will as long as I continue to eat the way I have been eating - eat what I want, when I want, take my time, and stop when I'm nearly full (if I eat until I'm full, then in about half an hour, I'm uncomfortably full).