Day 3: It's not rocket science, but ...

ALEXANDER HOGUE
American, 1898-1994
Erosion No. 2 - Mother Earth Laid Bare, 1936P

Picture taken in Tulsa in the Philbrook Museum of art--no flash used. This was one of my favorite paintings in the museum. It has nothing to do with this post. I just like it (and she kind of looks like me).

In a nutshell, my "6-week , lose 10 pounds" plan so far:

Sunday, Day 2 - 29.5 Points (good since my limit is 29 with using the APs and weeklies). I purposely stayed out of the gym and went for a 45-minute walk with my husband.

Day 3 - 28 Points (if I don't eat another bite tonight and I think I can safely say I'm done eating for the day). I really struggled through my 90-minute workout this morning. It was like my feet were stuck in mud. I managed to burn 465 calories, but it was tough going all the way. Usually after five minutes I'm really into my workout. Not today. I wanted to go home and go to back to bed.

What I've learned so far:

Stopping binge eating, at least for the short run, is possible.

Going to bed slightly hungry and falling asleep is possible.

Journaling and counting Points is possible (and it works).

Sticky notes with my short term goal of 152 placed within my vision in every room helps me stay focused. Me staying focused is possible.

Sugar-free jello with fat-free yogurt and a few blackberries tastes great. Giving up sugar-free ice cream is possible.

Getting to my 10-10-09 goal of 152 -- it's going to happen!

I know what to do to lose weight, as does every single person reading this. We all know the secret formula for weight loss: eat less, move more. It can't get much easier than that...but it's still a struggle for me. Every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every year. It's a big struggle, but one I'm determined to conquer.

Day 2 of my plan (and still excited!)

I'm still psyched about having a short-term goal. If you read yesterday's post, I have 6-week plan to reach 152 pounds. That's not my final goal weight, but it's a step in the right direction (final goal weight is still 135).

Yesterday was a near perfect day for eating and exercise. I know I can't be that perfect every day, but it's what I'm striving to attain on a fairly consistent basis.

My workout yesterday
10 minutes warmup on the elliptical
30 minutes on Sadie (StairMaster)

For my strength routine I do the pyramid sets, starting with the lighter weight, more reps, then higher weights with few reps. Below are the reps/weight for each set. I always do three sets of whatever exercise I'm performing, and on the last rep I go as heavy as I can handle for a minimum of eight reps. I read about this in the New Rules of Lifting for Women.

45 minutes lower body strength workout:
Leg extension 12/65 10/67.5 10/70
Seated leg curl 15/65 12/72.5 10/75
Prone leg curl 12/65 10/70 8/75
Back leg kick with cable ankly cuff 12/40 10/45 10/50
Curtsie lunges 3 sets - 20 reps
Prone leg press 12/70 12/70 12/70

Total calories burned according to my heart rate monitor was 499. According to the Activity tracker in eTools this earned me 7 APs. I only planned on using 4 of those a day.

My food was just about perfect, although a rather weird breakfast because I didn't eat before my Weight Watchers meeting at 11 a.m. Afterwards I wanted to work out so I stopped at the store and bought my breakfast, which is definitely not something I would normally eat.

Breakfast
2 boiled eggs - 4 Points
1 Lucerene light raspberry smoothie - 2 Points
1 WW Red Velvet bar (I caved and bought a box at the meeting - not very good. Tasted like chemicals.) - 1
ttl = 7

Lunch
Blackberry Smoothie:
2 cups blackberries - 2.5
WW smoothie mix - 1
1 cup 1% milk - 2
2 scoops goat whey - 3
3 cups spinach - 0
lots of ice and 1 cup water
ttl = 8.5

Dinner
Grilled 5 oz. Sockeye salmon fillet with lemon pepper - 6.5
Stuffed eggplant (delicious! I promise to share the recipe soon.) - 3
ttl = 9.5

Dessert at 9 p.m.
Jello sugar-free chocolate cup - 1
Light Redi-whip whipped cream - 1

Snack at 10 p.m. - still hungry
Sugar free hot cocoa - 1

Total = 28 Points

That was right in line with what I want to eat. My goal is a maximum of 29 Points a day. I still have some junk food in my diet, like the WW smoothie mix and the sugar-free jello pudding, but I can't go all natural. It would sort of be like me going without makeup, it's just not going to happen.

I'm not going to post all my food every day, since I'm sure people could care less what I eat. I'm mainly posting it to let you know I eat a lot, and I'm not starving myself. Looking at what I ate though, I see things I need to change. Smaller meals, and more snacks.

I also posted the "152" stickies all over the house. They're really helping me stay focused. I'm going to put them in my car too, as well as in my cubicle at work. I really don't care if people know what I weigh.

Today I'm riding my bike for 50 minutes and going to stop on the way back to pick blackberries, I love my blackberry smoothies.

I'm still....soooooo excited!

I'm soooo excited!

My weighin today (this is NOT what I'm excited about):

Today's weight: 162.8

Gained: +0.8

Total Loss: -76.4

I gained 8/10 of a pound. That's not good, but not horrible either. I know why I gained, I ate too much food. Last week is history and now I have a plan.

My Weight Watcher Meeting Today

I love my leader, Janis. She's the absolute best leader I've ever seen (and I've seen quite a few in the last three years). It was just what I needed to get my diet mojo back. The meeting was about the Lose for Good campaign. It's where Weight Watchers donates up to $1 million to feed the hungry, based on how much weight their members lose.

The Lose for Good campaign starts tomorrow and lasts for six weeks, ending on October 10. Janis told us to set a goal of exactly what we wanted to weigh six weeks from now. She told us to write it in membership book next to today's weighin. I wrote 152.

At next weeks meeting we're suppose to bring in one item for the local food bank per pound we want to lose. Since I want to lose 10.8 pounds I'll bring in 11 items. Then we have to stand up in front of everyone and Janis will ask us two questions. She wouldn't tell us the two questions, it's a "surprise".

If we make our goal on October 10 Janis will give us $5. These aren't real dollars but are for an auction she does at the end of the year. A really cool auction where you can bid on great prizes (things like a weekend for two at a Mt. Hood resort).

This got me really excited. I'm determined to be one of the winners come October 10.

1. Lose 10.8 pounds by October 10 - six weeks from today

2. Exercise

~~~cardio 7 times a week, with one non-gym day of cardio. Biking or walking.
40 minutes minimum cardio workouts

~~~strength training 6 times a week, 3 upper body workouts, 3 lower body workouts
40 minute minimum strength

I already do this, but I just need to keep doing it and do different exercises. Mix it up a bit.

3. Food

~~~Journal everything. Weigh and measure. No more estimating Points. Be exact.

~~~Eat fewer processed foods. No sugar-free ice cream.

~~~Eat more "filling" foods.

~~~Points limit per day = 20 base + 4 APs + 5 weeklies = 29 max. per day

4. Visualize.

~~~Put notes all over the house, the car, my cubicle with the number "152" written on it.

5. Water

~~~~Drink more water. Being too busy is not an excuse to slack on the water.

I'm super excited about this. I feel like my goal is within my reach. I can do this!

Slowing down but speeding up

Twice this week I drove past the gym on my way TO the gym. Another time this week instead of turning left onto the road to go TO the gym, I drove straight on the road that takes me to the freeway, which is the way to work. Each time I had to turn around and drive back to the gym.

Yesterday I was driving to work, on the freeway where the speed limit is 60 mph, and I was thinking about work. Traffic was light. I glanced down at the speedometer and it read 85 mph. I couldn't believe I was going that fast. I drive fast if I can, around 70, but 85! I immediately slowed down to a more reasonable 70 mph.

This is how people get in terrible accidents and either kill themselves or kill someone else. They get distracted, don't pay attention, and do really stupid things.

This is exactly how people gain all their weight back. The weight they fought so hard to lose. They get in a hurry. They don't put their health first. They're distracted. Everything and everyone is more important than paying attention to what they're doing. And this is exactly what I've been doing. Moving too fast through life, distracted, forgetting my main focus should be losing weight and eating healthy.

I've done this many times in my life. Lose a lot of weight, get bored, distracted or tired of the whole thing, and then I gain all my weight back, plus some. It's a vicious cycle I've fallen into for the last 30 years. In the beginning it was only ten or fifteen pounds I needed to lose. This time it was 104 pounds.

I've lost 77.2 pounds since February of 2008. I still need to lose another 26.8 pounds. That may not sound like a lot to some people, but for me it may as well be another 100 pounds. I am struggling to lose this last bit of weight.

I'm going to re-focus on getting to my goal weight. I'm going to do what it takes to get there. I know what to do, this isn't rocket science. I need to speed it up a bit now, but slow down in other areas of my life. I need to keep my eye on the prize.

I have a plan that I'll write about tomorrow. It's not terribly exciting, but it's a plan that I think will work for me.

Now I'm heading out to my Weight Watchers meeting. I'm hoping for a loss, but I won't be surprised with a gain. I have a plan so I have hope for the future.

The insomnia

For about two weeks I've been waking up at about 3 a.m. (after going to bed around 10 or 11p.m.). It's like a switch is turned on in my head and I'm suddenly wide awake. I immediately start thinking of work, of all the things I need to do, and I can't go back to sleep.

I've tried all my tricks that I've used over the years to go back to sleep, but they're not working for me. I usually just give in to it and get up. Often writing down some of my work tasks, checking my work email, even sending work emails.

Around 4:30 a.m. I get dressed for the my workout and drag my tired butt to the gym, getting there around 5 a.m. My workouts are still pretty good, some mornings better than others, some mornings I can tell the lack of sleep is catching up with me because I'm just so tired.

I know how bad this is for me, but I seem powerless to stop it. Several years ago I read a book about stress and the effect it has on your body. Weight gain was only one of the issues, the authors even claimed it could more serious problems such as cancer.

Besides the serious health issues is the simply problem that I'm tired. Very tired. So tired that some days I don't think I'm going to make it through the day.

I have no problem going to sleep at night. In fact, I'm practically asleep before my head hits the pillow. Literally.

Sometimes I take a sleeping pill, just other the counter stuff. This will make me sleep through the night, but then I wake up groggy and exhausted. I hate that feeling.

My only hope is when my current project at work ends things will be better and my sleep pattern will return to normal. Our first beta deployment is tentatively scheduled for September 28 in San Francisco. I hope I live that long. Right now, I'm not so sure.

The food
I'm doing pretty good. I've been eating too much at night lately, but I just don't care. The only really unhealthy thing I've eaten this week were those tortilla chips a couple nights ago. I ate more than the two servings, more like five servings. But I didn't eat the whole bag, which is good. In the "old" days, about two years ago, I would have eaten the entire bag.

I ate out twice this week, the sushi (too much but all healthy) and the Italian Chop Chop salad without the salami that left me starving. That reminds me, I ate Sweet Tarts at the movies and a couple cups of movie popcorn. My weigh in on Saturday is probably going to be bad. Again, right now I just don't care.

Lately I don't have time to eat my mid-morning and mid-afternoon snacks at work or drink all my water. I have too many meetings and too much to do. I keep telling myself I need to slow down, not be in such a frantic rush all the time, but I just can't seem to follow through on this thought.

This post
I feel like I'm rambling. I'm writing just like my brain is running lately. Disconnected thoughts that aren't really focused. It's almost like I'm heading towards some sort of mental breakdown.

I know the stress is getting to me. I see a spattering of "I don't care" in this post. That's really not like me. For me to not care about eating too much or not worry about my weigh in, is a sign something is terribly wrong in my life. I guess my brain can only worry about so much at a time and right now my job is my central focus.

Balance in all things, right? How does one do that when one part of your life consumes you? Sucks all your energy and leaves you left with nothing for yourself.

It's 4:36 a.m. I have to go to the gym now. Thank God it's Friday. Seriously. Thank God.

8am - back from the gym. I feel 100% better now...in fact, I feel like dancing! I care! I really do care about what I eat and my weight. I want to get 100% back on track...and that's my goal this weekend. To set up a real plan on how to do this when faced with overwhelming work issues.

I really changed up my upper body workout this morning. I did four machines I haven't used in a long time and four dumbbell exercises I haven't done in months. Everything was new, except for Sadie (the old "StairMistress"). I'm so in love with her I hate doing other cardio. I did the bike and elliptical yesterday so I do take a break from her occasionally, but she's my first love. :)

Work sucks

The title of this post says it all. Work sucks big time lately. No boring details, just know it really sucks to be me lately. I know I should be glad I have a job, but they're killing me. A slow and painful and tortuous death.

I skipped my morning workout because I had to be in the office at 6:30am to take a call from our vendor in Tulsa. I made up for it tonight with an hour and half workout. It was really nice not to worry about gym guy.

Big event of my evening was I ate tortilla chips in front of my husband. He bought them and left them on the counter. So I measured out two servings and ate them. He had the nerve to say, "you're not suppose to eat those". I told him "you're not suppose to bring them in the house! If they're here you know I'll eat them!" (and yes, the "!" was used in the conversation, at least on my part).

We watched Dr. Phil tonight, and I rarely watch him anymore (he kind of bugs me). Actually, I made my husband watch it with me. It was about couples not having sex. We watched it, and talked about it afterwards. We have work to do in that area, but not tonight. I'm exhausted.

Actually, I'm just too tired to even think right now, much less post anything even semi-intelligent . Is that a word "semi-intelligent"...it looks kind of "stupid"?

Update on carotid/thyroid ultrasound

I had the ultrasounds on my carotid arteries and thyroid today. The good news is that my carotid arteries are clear and I have a good, strong heartbeat (I knew that), so my cholesterol must be pretty good, no plaque in my arteries at all. Bad news is that my thyroid is enlarged, more so on the right side than the left (and I knew that too, since when I try to sleep on my right side, it feels like something is trying to block my airway and makes it hard to breathe unless I tip my head back). I also have a nodule on the left side. Don't have a clue what that means, and don't know when I'll find out. Dr W should have the results of the ultrasounds back by 3 pm tomorrow afternoon, but if she doesn't call that afternoon or Friday morning, I won't know anything until Monday (Mike and I have to go to Illinois for my mother's memorial service on Saturday, she died last Thursday morning). I swear, it never rains but what it freaking pours.
And I'm beginning to think I'm a piss-poor example of fat acceptance because I'm thinking this thyroid problem could be a blessing in disguise. If it's not serious, don't do anything about it until I've lost about 100 lbs or so, just because I'm so damned sick and tired of not being able to find bras to fit, not being able to find cute clothes at reasonable prices (yeah, I know, it's a vanity thing, but I'm sick of not being able to find what I want in a size to fit me, everything I like is just one or two sizes too small). If I could lose that much weight, maybe I wouldn't be in so much pain all the time either (and that alone would be worth it). It's not that I give a rat's ass what other people think of me and my fat, because I don't. If they don't like looking at my fat ass, don't look. And I know my body isn't going to look all that great naked if I do lose a lot of weight, I'll have all that loose skin hanging off me (I'll remind me of the saggy baggy elephant.....lol). And none of that matters. What will matter is how I will feel physically. Will my knees hurt less, will my back hurt less, will I be able to walk more, will I be able to do more things with my husband than I can do now? Will I have to worry about having another stroke (and I know it's probably not my being fat that caused it, but I still wonder, those voices are still there telling me that if I wasn't so freaking fat, this wouldn't have happened). None of this was going through my head until I had this mini-stroke and now I'm second-guessing myself and blaming myself for not trying harder to take better care of myself, even though I don't know what more I could have done, since I know dieting and WLS don't work for long-term, permanent, safe weight loss (and thyroid problems probably don't either). Shit, with everything that's going on, I'm feeling like a real dipshit right now.

forgetaboutit

The binges
I'm going to stop talking so much about my binges. I've beaten that dead horse to death. Yes, I definitely have a problem with binge eating, but not every night, just some nights. Sometimes a few nights in a row and then I'm okay for a few nights. I don't know, maybe that's normal. What is normal anyway, does anyone even know?

I noticed the more I talked about the binge eating, the more obsessive I became about it. I still want to stop it, but the obsessing about it needs to stop first. I'm just making it worse by talking about it all the time.

Instead, I'll let you all know how it's going each week, if I've figured anything out. I'll share any tricks or tips on how to stop it, that is if I actually ever figure out how to stop it.

My food
Why does every social get together have to revolve around food? Last night it was sushi when I met up with two girlfriends to celebrate our August birthdays. We had a great time, but I ate about 15 pieces of sushi (too much). Then I came home and was starving so I ate a bunch of other crap. None of which were filling foods. Sushi is definitely not a filling food for me.

This afternoon I left work early for an early dinner and a movie with another girlfriend. It was some Mama something place for dinner, Italian. Yes, a dieter's worse nightmare. I ordered an Italian Chop Chop salad without the salami. It was lettuce, tomatoes, smoked Gouda, smoked turkey and a couple slices of avocado, with a balsamic vinaigrette. It was delicious but very little Gouda or turkey and also the smallest salad I've ever seen. Which led to SweetTarts and a few handfuls of movie popcorn.

The movie
The Time Traveler's Wife. I read the book a couple years ago and cried. Today I cried while watching the movie. A total and complete chick flick. Something my husband, who will usually go to chick flicks with me, actually said no way he was going to see this movie. Probably because when I was reading the book I kept telling him the story. He said it was the stupidest premise for a book that he'd ever heard. I loved the book and loved the movie.

The gym
Dear God, please make him go away! What is the deal with the 38-ear old guy that keeps hanging around me and insists on telling me his life story and all his girl problems. Today it was how his 53-year old girlfriend had broken up with him the day before. He was asking me all kinds of questions as to why I thought she broke up with him. Maybe you talk too much!

He's making me crazy. When I see him I try to sneak and go to one of the other workout rooms. It's kind of ruining my mornings. I've tried the headphones, the "I really need to workout and can't talk", the "I'm really in a rush this morning and have to keep moving". None of it's working. He hangs around me like a lost puppy dog. I know he wants me to be his friend, but news flash, I don't want to be his freaking friend!

I'm at my wits end on this one.

Pamela
If you're fan of Pamela (and who isn't?), her blog is back up. She had a little technical difficulty and disappeared on us for a while. Stop by and say hi to her and welcome her back to blogland. I, for one, sure did miss her.

I hate waiting for the doctor's office to call back.

Man, I really hate waiting for the doctor's office to call back when I have a question about side effects of a medication I'm taking. One of the side effects of Topamax is tingling and numbness in arms and legs. Of course, I'm weird enough that the tingling and numbness I have is not in my arms or legs, it's in the back of my head, on the right side, and runs down the right side of my neck, front and back, all the way to my collarbone and out to my shoulder (the right side of my face and part of my lower lip is numb too). All I want to know is if this is a usual thing, and will it eventually go away. Dr W's office hasn't called me back yet (and it's been an hour since I called them) and Dr D's office hasn't called back either and I called them 6 hours ago.
I tried calling the emergency room to talk to a nurse there and they just transferred me to my doctor's office. Fat lot of good that did me. If this is something serious, I want to know if I need to stop taking the Topamax, or do I need to take something else and if I do, what is the something else I need to take and are they going to call in the prescription for me?
I've been taking the Topamax for a month now, and the numbness just showed up on Saturday (I noticed it when DH and I were at his ex-SIL's house and I brushed my hair after riding in the truck with the windows down, was just a bit wind-blown). So when we got home, I looked up side effects of all the medications I'm taking, and only Topamax has numbness listed as one of them. I just hope it's nothing serious, it didn't sound like it from the websites I checked, but I'm not sure I trust them.

Update at 5:30 PM - Well, the nurse from Dr W's office called back, and Dr W is on call tomorrow and I need to make an appointment to see her, she thinks I might have had a small stroke and she wants to check me over to make sure I haven't. From what I can see, the tests look like they can take a long time and I don't have time to mess with that shit this week. I have places to go and people to see and things to do this weekend that can't be delayed.

I blew it

I blew my 3-night binge-free streak. After a wonderful dinner of Asian Beef on skewers with Gremolata (I'll post the recipe later - it was fantastic), salad with Balsamic vinegar and olive oil dressing, and steamed Brussels sprouts (yes, I love them...I'm weird) at 5pm, I went crazy at 10pm.

I opened the freezer to have 1/2 cup sugar-free ice cream with strawberries leftover from dinner (not the fiber-filled snack I was suppose to have) and staring back at me were those evil Skinny Cow mint ice cream sandwiches. I ate all three that were left in the package. Since I figured I'd blown it anyway, I ate two Weight Watcher cookies and cream bars. I was still feeling hungry and had a bowl of Dan's Good Chili (Hungry Girl recipe but I add ground turkey and shredded broccoli to it), along with two Oroweat Sandwich Thins. I didn't calculate the Points.

I woke up with regrets, as I always do after a binge. It must be similar to how an alcoholic feels after falling off the wagon. The self-hate, the "why did I do that?!" the anger at myself. All negative, bad feelings.

My gym experience sucked big time today, as it always does if I eat too much the night before. I don't know if it's a physical thing, all that food in my system makes me sluggish, or if it's mental. Probably both. I managed 21 minutes on Sadie (StairMaster). I usually do 30, but I just couldn't do it today. 16 minutes on the Crossramp. 45 minutes upper body strength.

My morning got worse when the that guy that likes me came in and saw me on the elliptical and was all excited to see me. He said he'd been wondering what happened to me and he'd missed me. Great. I'd purposely been going really early at 5 a.m. to avoid him but today I was late and didn't get to the gym until 6:15am.

We had a six-minute conversation about spirituality and God and how to have a positive outlook on life. You can see that was a lost cause on me this morning.

I guess there's not much I can do but try again tonight to stop the binging. I have dinner out with two girlfriends at a sushi place so I won't be home until late. One of them is in Weight Watchers so I'm going with her to her meeting tonight before dinner. Maybe I can get some inspiration.

Onward and forward....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another picture of my Fairbanks trip (with my brother and his dog Goldie). I'm somewhat mortified by my hips and thighs, they look huge. If you want to see it close up and get totally grossed out, click on the picture to enlarge it. Aother reason to stop binging. I really need to lose the last 25 pounds! By the way, those jeans went to Goodwill this weekend.

Three binge-free nights in a row

I know I really shouldn't talk about this because I'm going to for sure jinx it, but last night was night number three without binging. For some bizarre reason that I can't quite grasp, I feel in control. I also have permission to have a fiber filled snack of my choice with a point value of up to five points. I know it sounds like a lot, but I think it's better than just eating with abandon.

My new rule is I have to measure whatever I'm eating for my nighttime snack and calculate the points, enter it online, then eat it. Then wait 20 minutes before I eat anything else.

Just knowing I have this option seems to give me some sort of freedom. I don't feel as restricted and forced to be hungry when I really want to eat. Of course, it's only been three nights, but lately, that's a record for me. Two of the nights I didn't even have a snack. It's so weird how this is working for me.

Last night instead of eating I went on a manic housecleaning frenzy until 1 a.m. I think that was brought on because I caught an episode of the Hoarders on A&E. Ewwwww! I could see that becoming me. Probably not the rotting food part because that just totally grossed me out, but the hoarding of junk that I think I might need some day. Scary! Now my office is so bare it looks like no one even lives there. I have a pile of junk to take to Goodwill today.

Jack (my husband) is in class today. It's a class on ASP.Net, computer junk (b-o-r-i-n-g). He's gone for most of the day so I'm on my own.

Not much on the agenda except the following:

1. pick blackberries (bike ride included)
2. gym
3. Goodwill trip with my junk
4. make a new recipe I found in Shape magazine for dinner - Asian Beef Skewers with Cilantro Gremolata. If it turns out good I'll post the recipe later.
5. make Dan's Good Chili - from Hungry Girl cookbook
6. a little work stuff (since I'm drowning at work without enough hours in the day)...plus I want to test out using my new 24-inch monitor with my new laptop. Maybe the monitor and a clean office will make work more fun (yeah, right).
7. relax a little (I think I have that part already out of the way. I caught up on a lot of blogs today.).

I hope this is another binge-free day. Maybe I can even have another loss this week. That would be awesome. I think reaching goal is within my power.

You are better than it (and today's weighin)

A picture taken at Chena Hot Springs, 60 miles outside of Faribanks. July 22, 2009. It has absolutely nothing to do with this post.

"Scientists say that body fat insulates, but we say that "it" covers our figure, making us appear flabby, weaker and less toned. It imprisons our body, depriving us of our self-esteem, confidence and energy. Be relentless; be who you really are. Deprive "it" of energy right back, increasing yours in the process. Force it to sweat and burn off the excess calories it needs to survive, grow, and imprison you. As body fat shrinks (atrophies), your freedom grows. Your real figure becomes more visible, as the curves and contours return to form. Your self-esteem and confidence, no longer held a prisoner in their own body, are free to breathe. You feel empowered and you project it."

I read this in the back of Shape magazine, in an ad for some sort of weight loss supplement. I normally don't even look at those ads, but the big letters "You are better than it" really caught my eye. This statement is well written and very true. We are all better than "it". We can fight "it". The desire to be healthy should be stronger than our desire to eat.

My weighin

Weight 8/22/2009: 162.0

Lost this week: -2.6

Total loss: -77.2

I went to Weight Watchers this morning and it was an awesome meeting. Today's topic was about crossing the finish line, getting from the start to the finish. Something I've been trying to do for months--make goal. She emphasized how important it is to make goal in order to maintain our loss. I know she's right and I walked out feeling empowered and back on track.

It was a been a pretty good week for me. I ate out twice last week, a Mexican dinner last Sunday and dinner on our anniversary on Wednesday. I had coconut prawns (I only ate three - food of the Gods) and sirloin steak (I ate about 4 ounces of the 7 ounce steak), two glasses of wine and a blackberry cobbler dessert with a slab of ice cream (shared with my husband).

The best thing about the week is that I didn't binge the last two nights. I hope I don't jinx myself, but I feel like I'm somewhat back in control of my night eating. I took some of your advice and allowed myself a snack at 9pm, if I really wanted it. Thursday, I REALLY wanted it, I made a blackberry smoothie with a Weight Watcher smoothie packet, 2 cups frozen blackberries (that I had picked the day before) and some water and ice. It was like a yummy milkshake and only three points. Last night I was more tired than hungry (and that hardly ever happens) so I skipped the snack.

My workouts are rocking because my beloved StairMaster is finally fixed. I love this machine! Here's a picture of her from today. She's not much to look at, but she really kicks my ass and I love her because she does it so well. Oh, and I named her Sadie. Sadie for the "Sadistic", she likes to cause pain.

I just need more weeks like this, so I can be better than "it" and finally cross the finish line.

Fat, ugly and stupid

I received an email yesterday that reminded me of something I've wanted to write about for a very long time. It was the sweetest and kindest email I've ever received from a reader of my blog.

S.R. wrote me that she reads a lot of blogs and had never written to a blogger before. She went on to say I was "stunning/gorgeous". Wow! That got my attention. No one ever says that about me!

Then she said something I know is so very true, "when I read your blog, I hear such a negative self-image at times....so sad".

S.R. is right, I have a really bad self-image. I'm always criticizing myself, putting myself down, saying I'm fat and ugly and stupid. That I'm boring and uninteresting. Sadly, I believe most of these things.

The funny thing is I know why I'm like this. It's because of my mother. Now I had the most amazing mother you can possibly imagine. I was blessed with incredible parents. I won the lottery when it came to parents. I grew up being told I was smart and pretty, that I could do or be anything I wanted in life. I was told this over and over from the time I was a young child all through my adult life.

So what happened? Why am I like this? It's really simple. Even though my mother told me how great I was over and over, she said just the opposite about herself. She said she was fat, that she hated how she looked. She said she was stupid.

My mother was really pretty with a beautiful smile. I look at pictures of her when she was young and she was gorgeous. She looked like a movie star. She had a weight problem after having three kids, but she was still very pretty. She lost 100 pounds when she was 65 and kept it off during the last 20 years of her life. She still said she was fat. She was 5' 8" and weighed 145.

About her being stupid, it wasn't true. She was really smart. She skipped two grades in high school and graduated when she was only 16 years old. Yet she said she was stupid and dumb, when really she was one of the smartest people I've ever met.

My point is you can tell your kids anything you want, but it's really what you say about yourself is what they're going to hear and copy. They will grow up to be like you. If you say you're fat and stupid and ugly, I guarantee you're going to hear your kid say that same thing about themselves.

So if you can't have a good self-image for yourself, at least fake it the best you can for your kid. When you look in the mirror, and your child is watching you, don't say, "oh, I'm so fat, I just look awful" or make comments that you're stupid. That's probably the greatest disservice you can do to your child.

I don't blame my mother for how I feel about myself. I know she did the best she could and would never have intentionally said those things if she knew I was going to take them on as my own image. The really sad thing is that I can't seem to change it. I know it's not really true, yet I hear that little voice in my head constantly telling me that I'm fat, ugly, and stupid.

21 years of marriage

It's really hard to buy an anniversary card for your husband when you're angry with him. Like, pretty much impossible.

Note to self: Let go of the anger.

About last night...

The bewitching hour came around 10pm and as usual, I lost all control. Another day down the tubes. Perfect all day, a great workout in the morning, healthy food in modest portions all day, then at 10pm I was stuffing my face with sugar-free ice cream (I must stop buying this stuff) and pecans (yes, on the ice cream).

Tonight was the same dance. My food of choice was Weight Watcher's 1-point caramel snack bars, about ten of them. They don't even taste that good.

What the hell is wrong with me?

There are a few things different in my life right now that are causing a ton of stress. My job is killing me. I'm angry about a work situation, and I just can't seem to let go of it. I'm struggling with a co-worker that I work very closely with on a daily basis. It's a long, tedious story but basically every day I'm trying to maintain my sanity (and as you can tell, I'm losing that battle).

If there was a way out, I'd take it. In this economy that's really not even an option so I have to grin and bear it. This is the worst of times in my job, and I've been through some difficult situations in almost 26 years at this company. This one is one of the most unpleasant I've had to endure.

The other thing is my marriage. It's another daily struggle. Tomorrow is our 21st wedding anniversary, and I don't know if we'll make it to year 22. We're fighting, arguing, bickering and generally not getting along. Neither one of us is happy. I really I don't know how to fix it.

Right now, I don't know how to fix anything. It all seems so...hopeless.

About the laptop
Okay, I'm really loving this sweet little laptop. It's a Toshiba E105-S1602 and was only $799 (but I got $130 discount). It's so awesome. 2.0 Ghz, 4 GB RAM, 500 GB Hard Drive. My most favorite feature is the backlit keys so you can watch TV with the lights off and the keys are lit. It's also super fast. My old laptop that I bought almost five years ago was $2,800. This is ten times the machine than that one was, for a fraction of the cost. Amazing.

I was leaning towards the Sony VAIO but the one for the same price as this Toshiba was a stripped down version. To get all the stuff that's on the Toshiba in the Sony was about another $1,000. Not worth it for the Sony name and looks (although, that VAIO sure is pretty).

I've already called the Toshiba Help Center and they were great. They're in India, but they all are these days. The tech was super helpful. I accidentally turned of Vista's flash card for the function key and the backlit keys. The guy walked me through what to do and now it's working again. I'm new to Vista so I'm learning (and kind of hating it).

So far (only about 24 hours), I'm loving this laptop.

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I've taken over 1,000 pictures in the last month. Here are just a few:

Picking blueberries in Fairbanks with my favorite nephew

For sale in Nenana for $2.000

Smoked salmon caught in an Athabascan fishwheel in Nenana

A typical home in Nenana - this belongs to the rich guy in town - thus the sign above the door

Guns for sale in the local grocery store in Nenana - not even locked up

Nenana cemetery - I have a thing for cemeteries - long story but they fascinate me

Nenana cemetery with a view

My brother and me, with his dog Goldie...yes, a big Alaskan macho dog...a Pekingnese :)

Hanging in there

I can't believe it's only Monday. How can that be? It was the longest day of my life! I wish tomorrow was Friday.

I'm hanging in there on eating healthy. So far, so good, but it's only 10pm. A lot of damage can happen in the next few hours, what I refer to as my bewitching hours.

My workout was great this morning, after I got past the first ten minutes of pure and utter torture. It always happens after I have a big heavy meal like Sunday night's Mexican Fiesta Platter, a full plate of every appetizer on the menu. My body screamed at me in agony when I started out my cardio. I don't know if it's the sodium or just my body punishing me for being bad to it, but it's always a tough go the next day.

I'm loving my new laptop. It's so cool. It's like a dream machine. Super fast, quiet, pretty. Although it doesn't make my blog any more interesting. :)

Talk about getting Xmas shopping done early!

DH had the day off today and he decided it was time to go Xmas shopping (he called the kids a couple of months ago and asked what they and their kids wanted for Xmas this year). So, since we had their lists in hand, and the money in the bank, a-shopping we did go. And most of it is now done. We have 2 granddaughters to buy for (if their mother ever decides to call and let us know what they want want, if not, they get gift cards), and I still need to get something for my son for his birthday and for Xmas. Other than that, we're done. It's all bagged up and on the top shelf in the bathroom, so it's ready to be wrapped whenever I get around to it (probably sometime after Thanksgiving). I don't even have to buy wrapping paper, tags, or cards this year because we bought plenty after Xmas last year when it was all on sale. I love having it all done early.
We did get the dog neutered for Jon and Tina for Xmas, but we're also getting them each a small gift to open when they come up so they won't feel left out when everyone else is opening gifts. I'll probably get Jon a book from the Science Fiction Book Club, he and I like some of the same kinds of books in sci-fi/fantasy (and I got Tina a dolphin figurine for her birthday and one for Xmas, too).
Our cellphone contract was up this month, so DH and I were looking at new phones today (neither of us really liked the ones we got last year when we renewed our contract, well, we liked them when we got them, but the liking sure didn't last long). I got a Nokia camera phone and he got a Sony Ericsson camera phone. I have to see if I can find memory cards for them and car chargers, but they were both pretty easy to set up. And T-Mobile was really nice about giving us our ringtones back. They only let you have your ringtones if you've purchased them in the last year, and ours were purchased on Aug 15, 2008 (but they sent them to us free of charge anyway, the service rep at T-Mobile thought it was pretty cool that DH's ringtone is "Summer of 69" by Bryan Adams and mine is "Wherever I May Roam" by Metallica; he said you can't get much farther apart, musically, than that). So DH's phone is black and red, and mine is silver and teal (or silver and red, or silver and brown, depending on what color cover I want to use). Now I can get pictures of Jon's dog (and take the memory card out and put the pics on my computer with my memory card reader, finally).

Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda and +10 pounds

I could have been at goal by now. I would have been at goal if I'd stuck to my plan. I should be at goal. It's been eighteen months since I started at 240 pounds.

8/15/09 weigh-in: 164.6 lbs.

Gain since lowest weight on 2/19/09 (154.6): +10 lbs.

Loss since 2/19/08: -74.6 lbs.

I guess I do have a few regrets about the last couple of months, but what can I do except move forward. There's no looking back except to maybe learn from past mistakes.

The fact is that I have to constantly be on guard. I have to watch what I eat, and unfortunately, I have to always be a little bit hungry. It's a sad fact of my life but one I have to accept if I want to be at a healthy weight.

I rode my bike to Weight Watchers this morning and burned 398 calories roundtrip. Such an easy and fun way to get in my cardio. I absolutely love riding my bike. Makes me feel like a kid and doesn't feel like exercise at all.

I tried a different route home today on a side trail and found a prize. A huge patch of untouched blackberries and no people. I picked about a quart in ten minutes (plastic bag for a container so they got a little squished). I had a blackberry smoothie when I got home. Yum!

The meeting today was awesome. It was like it was tailored for me and my food issues. Our leader, Janice, is a kick. LOVE HER! Today I even went up to her after the meeting and told her I love her. She always gets me thinking about stuff, about how I can fix myself.

Today the topic was "Controlling Cravings". It couldn't have been more perfect for me. She listed four ways to do this:

Deflect it, Fake it, Feed it, Face it

Then she went into the whole re-framing thing which I've heard a million times at Weight Watchers and have always thought, yeah, whatever. Today it hit home. I think I get it.

Janice said let's say you have a problem and you frame it. For her when she was younger she had five children. They stressed her out. So at night when the kids went to bed she said it was her time to be comforted. Her comfort was eating big bowls of ice cream. The ice cream was her frame around the problem of being stressed out with her kids. It comforted her.

When she started Weight Watchers her leader said, what is the one behavior you know will not get you to your healthy weight? Janice knew it was her ice cream habit. She decided she had to try something different to comfort herself.

She tried a few things but what finally worked for her was she'd buy a People magazine and put it aside for her stressful nights. Then after the kids were in bed she'd get out her People, make a big mug of sugar-free, fat-free hot chocolate, with a dollop of cool whip, and savor her magazine and hot chocolate. This worked for her and she never went back to eating the ice cream.

She also said don't ever feed a mood with food, because you'll never eat enough to feed it. Food isn't your friend. A rather profound statement.

I know my problem. It's night eating. I'm perfect every day, all day, until about 9pm. Then I just lose it. Suddenly I don't give a hoot about my weight or my health. I get a "fuck-it" attitude and eat anything I can get my hands on. I know what causes it too. Stress on my job, stress in my marriage (yes, we're still working on it...my marriage is always a work in progress).

I need to find a new frame for my stress, something besides food. I don't think the magazine and hot chocolate will do it for me, but maybe. One Lifetimer in the meeting said she was a night eater and what she did was save enough Points for a snack at 9pm. A one or two-Point snack. After her snack she'd brush her teeth and knew she was done eating for the day. She's been at Lifetime since the early nineties. It's certainly worth a try.

My night eating is definitely a problem and something I need to work on. Tonight will be my first night trying something new, something different than raiding the fridge at 9 or 10pm. Wish me luck!

Awww...so sweet!

No one ever nominates me for a blog award. Heck, I don't think hardly anyone even reads what I write. I'm not funny or witty like some of the bloggers out there. So many of you are talented writers with a great sense of humor and a wealth of information with great recipes and beautiful pictures. Me, well, I'm the first to admit it, I'm kind of boring.

So when I saw sweet Ida nominated me for a blog award, I was delightfully surprised. Me? Really? Someone actually reads what I write and likes it? Sometimes I practically fall asleep writing about my boring life. Thanks Ida! I really appreciate it.

The deal is I have to pick my 15 favorite bloggers that I love and give them the award. Then they have to do the same.

My first thought was, only 15? How can I narrow it to only 15? The funny thing is that most of these bloggers probably don't even realize I read their blogs every day. I don't comment as often as I want to, usually because I'm in a hurry. They've brought me much joy and laughter, as well as I learn something from them every day. Thank you to each and every one one of you.

Note: this is kind of a girly award I guess, with the flowers and "One Lovely Blog Award" title. But I don't think it should be limited to just female bloggers, so there are a few guy blogs listed below. They probably won't even acknowledge this, but I want them to know I read their blogs every day and love them.

Okay, now you're turn to pass it on!

1. Quick...Save me from myself
2. Chronicles of Meps' Reconstruction
3. Krista's Kraziness
4. Ron is getting healthy
5. Fixing myself thinner
6. 55 Alive and Losing it
7. Ella's Journey To Become a Healthier and Happier Woman
8. My Life in Hospitality School
9. I Don't Want to Die of a Heart Attack When I'm 25
10. TJ's Way or the Highway
11. Skye's the Limit
12. Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit
13. Tony "The Anti-Jared" Posnanski Yes, I like him!
14. Fat Daddy
15. You're going to need a bigger boat Seriously, how could I not give this award to Carlos? :)
16. Fight Fat Phobia

Okay, I'm going to stop now. I could go on forever. I read a LOT of blogs and love all of them. Really can't say I've ever met a blogger I didn't like.

Pizza? Really Diana?

That's what my husband said to me Wednesday night when I said I was ordering pizza. Yes, really! I had a hell of a day Wednesday at work. Number three "hell-of-a-day" this week. The stress peaked at a meeting where I practically yelled at a coworker and stomped out of the meeting. Umm...how old am? Five? No, but I sure acted like it. I've never done anything like that in my life. Let's just say my fuse, which is rather long, finally ignited.

Driving home Wednesday night I was trying to decide to get drunk or eat myself silly. I decided on the eating myself silly. The main reason was because I had a plan to work out like crazy the next day to work off the pizza I was planning to eat. My workouts suck if I drink, plus, given a choice I'd always rather eat my calories rather than drink them.

I ordered the pizza online for the first time (and got 20% off, anything to save a buck). It was a very unfriendly website, kept kicking me off and deleting all my info. I haven't ordered pizza or eaten real pizza since I started with Weight Watchers eighteen months ago.

I tried to order the super thick crust stuffed with cheese. When we finally got the pizzas (yes, I ordered two large) at 9pm, my husband asked me if I'd ordered crust with the pizza. Seriously, it was paper thin. Okay, maybe not paper thin, maybe cardboard thin, but thin cardboard. I've never seen crust like this in my life.

I had ordered extra cheese and sauce. There was barely any cheese or sauce. I think what happened was the online form kept resetting itself when I made an error so it must have reset to "the thinnest crust ever made" and no extra cheese or sauce. The picture on the website showed the pizza was thick with ingredients. It wasn't, there were actually bare areas where there weren't any ingredients or cheese. It was the most pathetic pizza I've ever seen. It didn't even taste that good, really all I could taste was salt. Of course that didn't stop me from eating almost a whole pizza.

I guess the weight loss Gods were looking looking out for me since I obviously wasn't looking out for myself. That was Wednesday night. I did better yesterday but when I weighed this morning I was up to 166.4. Yikes! I'm sliding down that slippery slope to fatdom once again.

My new plan #4,987,080,999 is to go back to Weight Watchers tomorrow and officially weigh in, stay for the meeting and follow the Weight Watchers plan. I know, it's a very original idea I'm having here, to actually follow a plan. I'll post my official weighin tomorrow. I know it's going to be ugly but I have to face it and get back down to business.

In spite of my stress and my bad eating, I've hit the gym every day this week. Yesterday my workout rocked. A full hour of cardio even though I thought I was having a heart attack about half way through it. Every time I eat really bad, like eating a pizza, I have a horrible time with my cardio the next day. My entire body ached and hurt, and even my heart felt like it hurt.

I'm heading out to the gym in a few minutes. I was going to bike there but it looks like rain and it looks cold (no sun). Can summer really be almost over?

After all, tomorrow is another day

I made it all the way until 8pm without eating anything off plan. Then I found it. The leftover seafood Alfredo my husband had carefully divided up into lunch-size portions and put in the bottom of the fridge, in the vegetable bin. I guess he thought I wouldn't look there.

I really thought I'd eaten the last of it on Sunday. I wondered why there was only a small portion left but thought my husband must have eaten the rest of it. He didn't, but now I have. There's nothing left. I ate all three portions. I'll probably have to explain that tomorrow.

I feel kind of sick now. Grossly overstuffed, nauseous.

My workout was great this morning, then I had a healthy breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. In about 15 minutes I ruined the entire day. Another day down the tubes. I wonder if I'll ever figure this out.

I guess there's always tomorrow.

Wake up Diana: you're killing yourself

I was going to title this post "Wake up America", but it's really me that needs a wake-up call. America will have to take care of herself.

While I was in Tulsa I noticed an unusually large portion of the population was extremely fat. Morbidly obese would be more accurate. I only make note of this because I could easily be in the category of morbidly obese. I have it in me to weigh well over 300 or even 400 pounds. My highest weight was 245 but I know myself well, and my love of food and lack of willpower could easily be the death of me. By the way, Oklahoma is the sixth fattest state, and it was pretty obvious there's a problem.

After I wrote my earlier post I finished off the Seafood Alfredo from yesterday and had a large piece of carrot cake with ice cream. I took another nap. I got up around 3pm and got dressed for the gym. I didn't want to go. I felt sluggish and tired. Every fiber of my being said "Just skip the gym today. You already blew it with what you ate today." Even my husband encouraged me to stay home (shame on him).

I managed to get in my car and drive towards the gym. Then I remembered there really wasn't any healthy food at home to eat. I stopped at the grocery store to stock up before I went to the gym.

As I walked into the store, in front of me walked two extremely heavy people. A man and a woman, each probably around 350 to 400 pounds. The man could barely walk, limping with each step. He looked like he was about 30 years old. There was a woman with them in an electric cart, with oxygen tubes in her nose and a tank of oxygen in the basket of the cart. She was easily over 400 pounds. I'm pretty sure she was younger than me, maybe 50.

Once inside the store I was surrounded by extremely heavy people. It was the strangest thing I've ever seen. Everywhere I looked almost everyone weighed well over 300 pounds. I'm a pretty good judge of weight since it's been my obsession my entire life so I'm not exaggerating on the size of the customers in the store.

It was like a message from God as I walked around the store. I could hear that voice in my head screaming at me, "THAT COULD BE YOU!" as I encountered each overweight person. I watched them struggling as they walked. Most of them were moving slowly, as if each step hurt them. I remember at 240 pounds I felt like each step was torture. I could feel their pain.

The entire experience was surreal, almost like a Twilight Zone episode. After I got my groceries I went straight to the gym. I piled all the frozen stuff together in the trunk of my car and didn't even care if it melted a little. I was going to the gym right then, nothing was going to stop me.

I'm home from the gym and still a little in shock over that weird experience in the store. It was my wake-up call. I can see how easily I can slip and fall back into old bad habits. One day leads to two, two to three, etc. You know how that story plays out. We all do. Been there too many times. History will NOT repeat itself this time.

I'm in this for the long haul. I feel my determination coming back, my resolve to stay strong and beat this thing. I will not kill myself by eating myself to death. I will NOT do it.

Home Sweet Home

I finally got home yesterday after getting stuck in Dallas on Friday. The flights were full so I celebrated my birthday at an airport Holiday Inn Express. Sucks to be me sometimes.

I was too tired to be sad about it, although it was the first birthday in my entire life that I spent alone. My coworker asked what was he, chopped liver? We had dinner at the Sheraton next door and toasted my birthday with diet coke. It was certainly not my most memorable birthday. It ranks right up there for worst birthday ever with when my entire family and my friends forgot my 16th birthday. That's a long story that I actually hadn't even thought about in years, until Friday.

It was an incredibly long week, but our software passed certification. Just barely, with a few tweaks that have to be made this week before it can be deployed, but it passed. I guess I still have a job.

Yesterday was a belated birthday celebration, starting with my husband meeting me at the airport with roses. That was sweet but sort of embarrassing. He's never done anything like that before so I don't know what came over him.

It was a day with too much food, starting with breakfast at 13 Coins. My husband made my favorite dinner, Seafood Alfredo with king crab, scallops and prawns. Carrot cake with butter pecan ice cream for dessert. All delicious, all bad for me. I feel like the Goodyear Blimp today, and I doubt it's just the sodium.

I've been trying all day to drag myself to the gym. I'm so tired I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep, which is exactly what I've done. It's 1:30pm, and I'm finally up, thinking about actually getting dressed and going to the gym.

I know this week is going to be tough. Back to eating healthy, eating less and my regular exercise routine. Back to my life. Regardless of how hard it's going to be, I'm thrilled to be home.

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

Today is my birthday. I'm officially 54 years old. For months I've been saying I'm almost 54 so it doesn't feel like a big shock.

I don't feel like I'm 54. I feel like I did in my twenties, maybe even better now because I didn't exercise much in my early twenties. Back then I was always doing crash diets, trying to lose 10-20 pounds. My goal weight was 125 (I'm 5' 6" and the closest I got to that goal was 127 in my 40's, not realistic). I was kind of an idiot about health. I really wanted to be skinny, not healthy.

I definitely feel smarter about a lot of things in life, and I'm not as shy as when I was younger. I believe in a healthy lifestyle instead of focusing on being skinny. Overall I'm a much happier person now that I was in my twenties. Of course, I didn't appreciate my youth, but then, who does?

I'm still in Tulsa, hopefully heading home tonight. It's been an intensely stressful week. I went to the gym last night, but didn't go inside. Instead I sat in the parking and had a good cry.

I've been practically joined at the hip with my coworker. Breakfast, lunch, dinner together. All day in the lab working through problems. We get along really well, being the same age and the having the same interests (he's a bit of a health nut but loves to eat just like me). We had our first argument last night about a work problem. Not a screaming match or anything like that (I save those for my husband). It was just a disagreement that I could see made him angry. It was totally work related, but it made me feel bad. He's a coworker first, friend second. I'm the project manager, he's the developer. There are bound to be clashes.

After my good cry in the gym parking lot (I need to grow thicker skin) I decided not to work out. The first time this week. I stopped at Walmart on my way home and bought cookies and milk. I ate half a dozen cookies in front of the TV. I woke up this morning feeling much better, but too late for the gym.

I can't wait to go home. I'm tired, I miss my cat and my husband (not necessarily in that order), and I miss my routine. Happy birthday to me.

Oh - my birthday present to myself is going to be roller blades. I've been wanting them forever. Hope I don't fall and break a hip.

Doctor visit today

Well, I don't know what's up with my body, but Dr W wants to do some tests. When I saw her today to follow up on the migraine headaches, and to tell her how things are working out with the relafen and Cymbalta, I told her that I'm freezing my ass off in the house (DH likes to keep it around 65 to 70 degrees in the summer). I used to be able to handle those temps just fine (and the cold in the winter never bothered me at all), but now I'm putting on a sweater during the day, and adding a blanket to my side of the bed at night. I'm constantly shivering and getting gossebumps from chills, so Dr W wants to check my thyroid and my cholesterol (she's going to do a fasting blood sugar too). That's scheduled for the first part of September (she's going to be gone for a couple of weeks) and then I have a physical, pap, and mammogram scheduled for the next week, along with a follow-up with Dr D (the neurologist).
I will say that the relafen and Cymbalta have helped a bunch with my sleeping. I can actually sleep at night and not have my back cramp up, even when I sleep on the beds in motels (and those beds are harder on my back than our bed at home). I can actually get out of bed in the morning and walk upright like a normal person instead of bent over like I'm some ancient crone. Of course, it's not helping much with the back cramps when I'm walking or standing (although my knees haven't been bothering me quite as much, it is easier to get up from chairs now than it has been).
I have to take my log of blood pressure numbers in when I go in for my physical because my blood pressure today was 170/100 (taken with a regular BP cuff on my left forearm instead of a larger cuff on my right upper arm, which could have made the difference, along with the white coat hypertension). When I got home and took it with my wrist cuff, it was 132/73, quite a huge difference. It's hardly ever that high at home (I think maybe 3 or 4 times in the last 4 months). I've been keeping track of the days I check my BP, the time, and what it was, so I'll print that out and take it in when I go in for my physical.
I haven't had a full-fledged migraine since I started taking the Topamax, so I'm hoping it's working. I did wake up the other morning with a sorta kinda maybe migraine behind my left eye (where they always start), so I took a fiorinal and it went away without getting any worse, which is something new for me. I hope the Topamax keeps working, I could get used to not having migraines.

Yikes! 168 pounds!

I weighed myself at the gym this morning. I was 168! I almost died. I haven't seen that number in several months. I was wearing my gym shoes, had drank three cups of coffee and some water, but still, that's absolutely horrible.

If you read my post earlier this morning you know what happened. It's too much of a good thing. Eating out.

That weight on the scale shocked me into reality. I can't eat out every day or if I do, I have to really gain control. Eat half or less, don't take leftovers back to the room (I have a fridge and microwave), and work out harder.

After my little weigh-in freakout I decided I had to go to a spinning class for maximum burn. It was a killer class. In 45 minutes I burned 487 calories. I did weights for 40 minutes for another 200 calories. Total burned this morning was 687 calories.

I also haven't been drinking water this week because where I'm working has the women's bathroom on the other side of the security door which means I need an escort to get back in. The men's bathroom is inside security. Totally sexist and annoys the heck out of me. Today I'm going to drink a ton of water and they'll just have to escort me every hour or so.

Well, the fight is on. I feel pretty confident now that I know the damage I've done. I can get back on that horse. This time I'll be holding on for dear life.

Too much of a good thing

I've eaten out five times in the last two days. The food in Tulsa is amazing. According to the guys we're working with, Tulsa is known for it's fine dining. Tulsa? Really? Yes, really.

We went to the best Chinese buffet I've ever seen in my life. Baked salmon, huge prawns, in addition to every yummy Chinese dish you can imagine. It was truly incredible. Then there was the Mexican restaurant with Cerviche to die for in a huge martini glass, then the actual dinner of Mahi Mahi with some corn muffin thing from heaven. A sandwich shop with made to order sandwiches that had an out-of-this-world chicken and pesto sandwich (with non-fat mayo of course). Joe's Crab Shack with melt in your mouth crab cakes. The portions at every restaurant were HUGE.

Last night I just couldn't do it anymore. I've been eating as healthy as I can, baked or grilled, no sauces if possible, fish and veggies whenever I can, but I'm eating too much. Although we hit the gym Monday and Tuesday, and I'm ready to go again today, I know I'm eating more calories than I'm burning. My coworker and I both agreed to skip dinner last night. We were both tired and still full from our late lunch. One of the guy we're working with tried to get us to go to some incredibly steakhouse last night but we both said thanks, but no.

I hope to get through the rest of the week with less eating and more gym time. It's too hot out for any outdoor activity. At 1opm yesterday it was 103 degrees and extremely muggy. Basically unbearable for man or beast.

It's 4:30am, time to get ready for the gym then another stressed filled day trying to get our software certified. The fun is wearing off, and I want to go home.

Credit Card Fraud Warning: I received a phone call from my husband last night that Bank of America said there was fraud on my credit card. A $1,000 charge at Amigos in Costa Rica.

This card has only been used for Weight Watchers' monthly pass, automatic withdrawal for the last 17 months. We don't use if for anything else. The Costa Rica charge was made online. Bank of America can't explain how it happened, unless someone hacked into the Weight Watcher database and obtained my card information.

Just a warning to double check the charges on the card you're using for Weight Watchers online charges. I'm not saying that's what happened, only that it's a possibility. B of A rejected the charge since I never use that card except for WW and have now canceled my card.

I'm lovin' me some Tulsa

Life is really what you make it. When I was here for work eight years ago I hated Tulsa. I said I never wanted to come back to this little piece of hell.

Things have changed. Actually, what's really changed is me. When I was here in 2001 I was over 100 pounds overweight. The heat made me miserable. Worse than the heat was that I hated being in a lab all day with young, really smart guys. They made me feel old and ugly and stupid. Every night I'd go back to my hotel room and dread the next day. I'd drive to fast food places and buying two or three hamburgers and then drive to a grocery store and stock up on cookies and candy.

This visit couldn't be more different than my 2001 visit. I'm actually having fun. I'm enjoying working with the young guys, talking to them and getting to know them as we work towards getting our software certified.

I'm much more outgoing this time. Last time I didn't even try to talk to any of them. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and be invisible. I was ashamed of how I looked, I thought they probably thought I was fat, stupid and lazy. Whether they did or didn't it doesn't really matter. It was what I thought of myself.

Last time the coworker that I came here with didn't do a thing with me. I was certain he had a fat phobia, didn't want to be seen with a fat girl, someone might mistake me for his wife. Heaven forbid that would happen. Ironic twist on that is that his wife has gained over 80 pounds and he recently confided in me on how he could help her lose the weight.

This time I'm seeing the sights every night, hitting the gym every morning (LOVE the gym that's just down the road - beautiful!). I'm also going out to lunch and dinner with my coworker (he's also a good friend), and someitmes with the vendor. We're having a great time. Yup, loving Tulsa this time.

Note: I have lots of pictures from my Fairbanks trip and already a bunch from Tulsa, but my work laptop won't take a Sony Memory Stick and I forgot the cord to connecto the camera to the laptop. Sorry, pictures when I get back home.

Tulsa baby!

Okay, so Tulsa isn't quite the same as Las Vegas. It's Sunday at 10:30 a.m.and we're finally here.

Yesterday was a whirlwind with a four-hour hotel stay in Dallas during our seven hour layover. I've had a total of five hours of sleep the last two nights. I'm definitely running on adrenaline right now (and coffee, lots of coffee). I'm suppose to be napping, but I can't sleep (maybe it was the coffee?).

Like an idiot I checked my carry on bag and my suitcase, so I basically have nothing but my laptop and my purse. Luckily the Woodland-Hills mall is right across the street. If my bags don't come I'm going shopping. We checked in a full hour before our flight and then it was delayed a half hour. I'm not sure what happened to my bags but hopefully they'll be in on the next flight at 2:30pm.

Staying good on the food. Not hard to do when I didn't bring any food and I'm traveling with a guy that really watches his weight and works out a lot. He also doesn't eat much. He's the one that's always telling me it's mind of matter when it comes to food. I wish it was that easy for me.

No dinner last night, but we had the Continental breakfast in the hotel when we got here. Scrambled eggs, banana, English muffin with strawberry jam, a non-fat, sugar-free yogurt and a cup of milk. A whopping 10 Points, but since no dinner last night I was starving!

Okay, off for a little nap, then the mall opens noon and I'm buying some shorts, tank top and sandals. Then we're off to float down the Illinois River, thanks to Amy's great advice. Check out Amy's website because she's done an amazing job losing weight.

Off to bed now. Suddenly I'm so exhausted I can barely sit here.

Life goes on

Thank you for all your very kind comments yesterday. I really appreciated it during my little breakdown. I agree with everything you said. I've come a long way in the past 18 months, and I'm much happier now than I was when I started this journey.

I still struggle with food at times, and sometimes it seems unbearable. Yesterday was one of those times.

Today I feel better, stronger, like I can handle this. It's okay, life will go on. I won't gain back everything (one of my greatest fears), and I will get to goal. Eventually.

Speaking of life...

It's 3 a.m. Saturday, and I can't sleep. I have a million things to do before I leave for Tulsa this afternoon, and I can't shut my brain off. I slept about three hours last night.

Yesterday was frantic to say the least. There was one emergency after another with our Tulsa vendor. The trip was on, the trip was off, the trip was on again, off again, and finally it was decided we're going regardless if things are perfect or not. This next week will be a challenge.

Today I have things to do for work, things for the trip, personal things like a manicure/pedicure. I haven't even unpacked my suitcase from my Fairbanks' vacation. Laundry, shopping for a few things, changing around some of the reservations. Of course my number one priority is the gym. My flight leaves at 6 p.m.

It's going to be a crazy day/night, with a 7-hour layover in Dallas tonight. We have hotel reservations in Dallas but we'll barely be able to get to the hotel before we have to leave again for the airport. Fun times traveling space available as an airline employee on business. Who knew the whole world wanted to go to Tulsa this weekend.

I plan on blogging while in Tulsa. I'll have a laptop and internet access. My coworker, who is also a good friend, wants to see the sights of Tulsa. Looking online it doesn't exactly look like the most exciting city. I'm sure there's something to do, maybe a museum or the movies and of course, eating out. I'm actually taking my scale with me. I know, crazy, but I weigh every day and get a little weirded out if I can't. It'll keep me honest when I eat out.

We also have access to a brand new gym across the street from the hotel. My coworker is a big gym rat and he's already agreed to hitting the gym every day with me.

Yes, life does goes on, even when I have little mental breakdowns over my weight. I guess since I can't seem to stop this merry-go-round, I'll just enjoy the ride.