Fake it tll you make it

"Fake it till you make it" (also called "act as if") is a common catchphrase that means to imitate confidence so that as the confidence produces success, it will generate real confidence. The purpose is to avoid getting stuck in a self fulfilling prophecy related to one's fear of not being confident.

A conversation I had today with my mentor at work:

Me:  I don't like this project I'm on, it's boring, and I don't want to do it.

Mentor:  I know what you mean, I've been there many times.

Me:  How do I get through it?

Mentor:  You fake it till you make it.

Me:  Really?

Mentor:  Yes, really, It's all about your attitude. If you walk into your kickoff meeting down about the project, bored, not excited, everyone will see it. Even if you're not feeling good about it, you have to fake it. Fake that you want to do this project, fake that it's a great project. Your enthusiasm will be contagious.

Me:  I don't know if I can do that, pretend I want to do something I really don't want to do.

Mentor:  Sure you can, just go in there and do it.

I did. She was right. The enthusiasm spread. No one knew I was totally bummed by my project. Now I'm actually feeling a spark of excitement about it.

That was work. This is weight loss. Same deal. Faking it till I make it. :)

Picture out of my office window today, right before I left work. Actually, I'm in a cubicle, this is what I saw when I stood up.

No fat chicks

You may be too young to have ever seen this bumper sticker. It was popular in the 80's. I remember the first time I saw it. I couldn't believe someone could be so rude and put this on their car. Usually it was seen on a big 4-wheel drive pickup, with these mud flaps.

When I 'd see the "no fat chicks" bumper sticker my first thought was the person driving the vehicle must be a total moron. I knew if I ever met this person I wouldn't like him.

Then I would feel hurt. Hurt because I was a fat chick and some idiot that I didn't even care about didn't like fat chicks. Back then my idea of fat was quite a bit different than it is now. In the 80's I usually weight around 135 to 170. When I'd get up to 170 I thought I was extremely fat. I remember joining Diet Center when I weight 172. At 172 I was mortified I was so fat.

Here's the clincher. I apparently don't like fat chicks either because I constantly berate myself for being fat.

This morning I weighed myself before getting dressed for the gym. I saw an ugly number on the scale. Up five pounds overnight. I was 174.4 yesterday and 179.4 this morning. My Tanita scales are extremely accurate. I didn't eat five pounds of food yesterday, but maybe I ate too much. Maybe too much salt. Maybe too much exercise (2 1/2 hours).

I thought this is such a crazy battle, and I'm sick and tired of fighting my weight. I'm never going to win.

I sat down at my vanity to pull my hair into a ponytail before I headed out  for the gym. I looked in the mirror and thought, I'm old and fat and ugly. As soon as I thought this, I realized what a really horrible thing that was  to think about myself.

I'm no better than those creepy guys with the "no fat chicks" bumper stickers. Except, I'm worse. I'm saying this to myself, about myself. I definitely have self-esteem issues, but this was a bit more than I normally do. I wouldn't say this to another human being, but I think nothing of saying it to myself.

I sat there and stared in the mirror. It's true I'm getting old, 55 in August. There's no getting around it, I'm not a young chickadee anymore. The cute, young guys don't hit on me like they use to, probably because I'm old enough to be their mom, or in some cases, their grandmom.

I'm definitely overweight, technically I'm obese. Yet as I looked at myself, I noticed the squareness of my shoulders, and the muscles in my neck. When I lifted my arms overhead to pull my hair into the ponytail band, I could see the muscles in my arms. Earlier I had noticed how my calves have very defined, strong muscles and are firm.

Even though I'm pudgy in some areas and I don't weigh what I want to weigh, I kind of like my body these days. It's strong and tough. It's not fragile or weak. Seriously, how many 54-year old women do you know that can do three sets of eight reps per set of bicep curls with 25-pound dumbbells?

So even though I'm not beautiful or skinny or young, I am strong and healthy. Maybe I am a fat chick, and maybe the jerk in the pickup truck that didn't like fat chicks wouldn't like me. I seriously don't care...I like me.

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More trees. It's the Pacific Northwest. We have a lot of trees. :) Seen on my walk today at lunch, and the last one is in the Best Buy parking lot in Federal Way, WA.

Sometimes I'm a total dork

The headache cure
As I was gulping my extra strong black coffee at 5am before I tore out the door for the gym today, I figured it out. Headaches. Saturdays.

I've gone to my Weight Watcher 11am meeting three Saturdays in a row. I drink very little before the meeting, and I never drink coffee! Maybe some water, but never coffee. I've been getting a headache every Saturday.

The headaches are caffeine withdrawal, not a brain tumor like I thought. I've quit coffee many times in my life so I should have known.

In my defense, the headaches were exceptionally bad. As I age things seem to hit me harder. Colds are worse, the flu almost killed me last year (three times!), and apparently caffeine withdrawal symptoms are more intense. The joys of getting older.

The exercise
I've decided to change things up a bit and have two cardio-only days, and four cardio/strength days, and always one day of rest a week.

Today was a cardio-only day. I completed a warmup of 10 minutes on the treadmill, jogging 4 -5 mph intervals. Then 35 minutes on the cross ramp where I kicked my own butt. Lastly, 20 minutes on the stationary bike where I really have to work to keep my heart rate up around 135. I was a hot, wet and oh so not sexy mess when I was done. My shirt was completely drenched (and completely gross). My bangs were literally dripping.

So when my coworker asked me to walk with her at lunch, I was thinking more of a get some fresh air kind of stroll. When we started off I could barely keep up with her, until finally she said, "Do you always walk this FAST?!!!" Cracked me up since I thought she was setting the pace and she thought I was setting the pace. We'd only been walking ten minutes and I could barely breathe because we were going to fast.

We slowed down a little, but it was 3.5 miles, the first half all down hill and then the return, all up a very steep hill. It wasn't a leisurely stroll, but a tough workout. My glutes are in agony tonight. Even sitting hurts.

My food
I'm still struggling with late night eating, but it's not as bad as a few weeks ago. I seem to have a semblance of self-control. I eat, but usually not a lot and never anything that would be considered unhealthy, but I'm still eating too much.

I've been tracking most days, even though sometimes I'm over my points (and I eat all my activity Points and all my weeklies). The only thing saving me are my activity Points. I earned 12 today with two hours of cardio.

Logging my weight
This is strange and a little sad. I haven't entered my weight into my Statistics page since November 16, 2009. In three and half months I've lost one pound.  Note my big gain from 9/5 to 11/16, when I was traveling non-stop for work. I gained 17.6 pounds in about two months and I still haven't lost it. I really need to get serious.

Picture of the day

 Des Moines Creek Trail, Des Moines, WA

An overcast, typical Northwest day, and a typical

moss covered tree (kind of creepy looking).