Another swimsuit shopping trip

Twice in one weekend I went shopping for a swimsuit. I'm truly a glutton for punishment.This time I tried on every suit that I thought might fit me, but I had a different focus today. This is not a suit that I'll wear at the beach and try to pretend I look sexy. This suit is to wear for swimming as exercise at the gym.

I only had a few requirements:

1.) cover my butt (no easy feat)
2.) cover my boobs (also difficult)
3.) straps that would stay in place while I was swimming

Speaking of boobs, I don't know what the heck happened to mine recently (and if you're a guy, sorry, probably too much information for you). When I was this weight last time (about five years ago), I wore a 38C bra. I've been wearing a 38C for the last year, but my bras didn't fit right. I was constantly fussing with them (and these were expensive bras). I finally decided it was time to get fitted for a bra, something I hadn't done in years.

A sweet, young 20-something at Victoria's Secret measured me and told me I was a 36DD. I told her no way, she was wrong. She insisted. She brought me a box of bras in size 36DD. I looked at them and thought she had to be kidding. No way would those fit me. They looked HUGE. They fit me perfectly.

I don't know what happened, and I'm not exactly happy about it. I've actually always wanted to be smaller on top (and bottom), always wishing I had a more athletic build. My dream would be to have the kind of body where I didn't even have to wear a bra. I've never wanted cups that runneth over. Maybe it's the chest presses or something that caused this, but I'm just hoping when I lose the rest of my weight they'll shrink.

Back to the swimsuit, I found one. It has one of those built in girdle things, but they all did (I guess that's a good thing). It covers everything that needs covering. I opted not to go for a skirted suit and just let my thighs be out in the open for all to see. They aren't slim and trim, they're lumpy and bumpy, but they're strong and powerful legs and that's really what's important.

I'm really looking forward to getting into the pool a couple times a week. This is going to be fun!

It happened last night

After writing my post last night about how I was going to get all serious about getting to goal, I went nuts. That's the only way I can explain it.

I haven't had a binge in weeks, since I quit eating sugar about six weeks ago. It felt like a miracle, and then last night happened.

Yesterday my husband and I had an argument. It's an old battle and there are never any winners in this one. We both walk away wounded and hurt and nothing is ever resolved. It has to do with his crazy family.

Later we both said we were sorry, but as usual, the hurt words still hung between us. After these arguments it takes a while to heal and get back to normal. He went to bed early, I stayed up and watched a really bad movie, Couples Retreat. Stupid movie, don't waste your time on it. Especially don't watch it after fighting with your spouse.

That's when I lost control. I had frozen my Muscatel grapes earlier and had a cookie sheet full of them in the freezer, frozen to perfection. These grapes are incredible, sweet and crunchy when frozen, and are a wonderful treat (beats those horrible Weight Watcher ice cream bars...one of my former binge foods). These grapes are expensive, $3.99 a pound, but totally worth it. I buy three pounds every week, freeze them, put them in baggies, one Point per cup.

Last night I ate seven cups of frozen grapes, eight Points. It made for a 30-Point day (I get 20 daily Points, but always use my 35 and I had 7 Activity Points for the day). I realize this isn't horrible, and I've done a lot worse in the past. Many times I'd eat an entire box of Weight Watcher ice cream bars in a couple hours (18.5 Points), along with a lot of other things. I would also stop counting the Points in the past because I just figured the day was ruined and I didn't want to know how bad I had messed up. Last night I tracked everything I ate,.

My issue is that I felt totally out of control. I was watching the movie and eating the grapes. I went through cup after cup of grapes and barely tasted them. My tongue was practically frozen by the time I was done. I even contemplated opening up a bottle of wine, something I haven't done in several months. I felt like numbing the pain, but decided it wouldn't be worth it.

In my Weight Watchers' meeting yesterday our leader said there's a reason we're carrying around this extra weight. We wouldn't be doing it if it wasn't filling a need. We have to figure out why we're doing it and then get past it.

I have an idea of why I want to keep this last thirty pounds on my body. It is serving a purpose. It's totally stupid and I know it's stupid, yet I keep doing it. It's a really personal reason, and one I'm not quite ready to share on this blog (because it's embarrassing!). Maybe later this week I'll post about it, if I get the courage (you'll probably think I'm an idiot, but I suppose that's nothing new).

Have a great Sunday, and I will be back tomorrow! (item #5 for getting to goal, post here every day)

The swimsuit shopping nightmare

If you think you're looking okay in your clothes, and maybe you're not such a fat slob after all, go try on swimsuits. Holy crap! I was in tears at the end of my shopping trip today. I came home without a new swimsuit and a whole new perspective on how my body looks (and it's not good!).

I decided I want to start swimming at the gym a couple mornings a week, to kind of mix things up a bit. One of cardio rooms at my gym has windows that look down on the swimming pool. It's almost always empty at 5 a.m. I thought it would be kind of fun to try something different. Two years of StairMaster, elliptical, stationary bike, treadmill (which I loathe), and crossramp workouts are starting to bore me a little.

After trying on several suits I realized the importance of losing this last 20-30 pounds. It's time to really get off my butt and get serious about getting to goal.

My weighin today was less than stellar at 166.2. Exactly what I weighed a week ago. It's also what I weighed March 25, 2009 and December 7, 2008. Seriously, it's time to stop my playing around with this and just get to my goal weight of 135-145 (not sure which yet).

What I did wrong last week:

1. An entire week of not tracking my food.

2. An entire week of not weighing or measuring my food.

3. Skipped my Weight Watcher meeting

4. This one is obvious, but I ate too much.

5. I didn't post a single thing on my blog, and read very few weight loss blogs.

What I did right last week:

1. Worked out five times, one to one and half hours each time. High intensity

2. Didn't touch sugar. I think this is week five or six of no sugar.

3. Didn't binge eat.

4. Ate healthy food.

What I'm going to do this week to get to goal:

1. Up the workouts to six times a week (adding in one or two swimming sessions).

2. Weigh and measure everything I eat.

3. Track my food...and I mean it this time.

4. Attend my Weight Watcher meeting - which I did today.

5. Post something every single day on this blog. Staying away from the blog world is a real detriment to me. I'm back to stay this time.

Two things happened today that really made me want to get serious about losing this last bit of weight. One was my Weight Watcher meeting where my leader talked about a type of person she sees at her meetings. Usually it's a female, who drops a lot of weight, 50 or more pounds, then looks at her body and says I worked that hard for THIS? She's disappointed in how she looks, wrinkled, sagging skin. Lumps and bumps where she thought she'd have taunt, firm skin. She said usually this person gives up and never makes goal. I felt like she was talking to me.

The second thing that happened was my swimsuit shopping trip. From the waist up, I look okay. Lots of strength training have made my shoulders and arms look acceptable. I'm not ashamed of them, in fact, I'm kind of secretly proud of how they look. I wouldn't tell anyone this, because it's seems boastful, but I actually like my shoulders and arms these days.

From the waist down, I'm not so happy. Especially my thighs. With jeans on they don't look so bad, in fact, they look kind of normal. With a swimsuit it's a entirely different story. I was a little bit upset today as I stood in the dressing room with the glare of the white light and the three-way mirror. All I could think was holy crap, I look like shit.

I know 166 looks better than 240, but considering the hours and hours I've spent at the gym the last two years I expected better results. I'm disappointed, but not defeated.

My plan now is to lose the last twenty or thirty pounds and see how I look then. Maybe it'll make a difference, maybe not, but at least I'll see what my goal weight looks like. The real goal is to be at a healthy weight and I'm not there yet.