It's never too late to start over

Birthday Flowers

This morning I weighed 175 pounds. I've finally decided the only way I'm going to get back to losing weight is to pretend like every day is the very first day I'm on Weight Watchers.

If you've ever done Weight Watchers, you know how exciting and "almost" fun it is at the beginning. You have a set of rules to follow, and you try to follow them exactly. You're rewarded week after week with nice, healthy losses.

Then one day, after, oh, let's say two and half years, you kind of get tired of it all. The weighing and measuring, the tracking, and all the other tedious things that are part of the Weight Watcher plan.

The compliments stop because you've been at the same weight for months, or maybe you've even gained ten or twenty pounds. No one cares or seems to notice that you're still trying to lose weight, but you're struggling. You've lost your momentum.

You've stop measuring your portions, so four ounces of chicken becomes seven or eight ounces. You stop trying to get in five vegetables a day, and take the five to seven vegetables or fruits to mean seven to nine fruits per day (maybe an obligatory vegetable or two). You certainly don't track your Points, because if you're honest, you don't really want to know.

Maybe you stay away from the bad* stuff, the candy and cookies, but you eat too much of the healthy stuff. Your size 12 jeans are now snug and your thighs are starting to take over. In fact, when you look in the mirror all you see are your thighs.

That's where I am right now. So let's just say this is my day one, not day 912 (that's approximate, but it's been about 2 1/2 years since I started).

For today, my day one, I'm tracking my food, staying within my Points, weighing and measuring everything that goes in my mouth, and trying to follow the healthy eight guidelines. Easy peasy, right? I certainly hope so because my critical voice is driving me insane. She won't shut up about my eating, and if I could just smash her into tiny pieces, I'd be happy.

Geneen (WFG) says to quiet The Voice, which I agree with to a point. However, I still think that internal voice serves a purpose. It really does have my best interest at heart, and it helps keep me in check, because Lord knows, someone needs to. However, these days I use a somewhat kinder, gentler voice with myself. I wasn't making any progress with the old voice.

One other thing I have to do this week is face my Weight Watcher leader. She's been sending me cards in the mail, "Where are you?" or "We miss you!" or (and I love this one), "It's never too late to come back!". I haven't been to a meeting since June 5, when I weighed in at 162.8. I've definitely done some damage over the summer.

What it feels like to be the fattest person in the room

Today I went to a spinning class. I've attended spinning classes before but always when I weighed less, 150 to 165. At 175 I usually feel too fat to be walking (or spinning) among the fittest people at the gym. Today I thought to hell with it, I'm going.

I hadn't been to a spinning class in months and the instructor was new to me. She came over and talked to me before class. I could tell she thought I was a novice to spinning, but I'm not. I know how to ride a spin cycle. It's just like riding a bike, anyone can do it and it doesn't take any special talent, just endurance.

Right before the class started I looked around the room, and yes, I was indeed the largest person in the room. I'd guess the average woman was maybe 125 pounds (skinny!), and the average man, maybe 150-160. There were about 20 people and every one of them looked like they had stepped right off the pages of a fitness magazine. Strong, muscular arms, flat abs and of course, great legs.

I was able to keep up without too much pain (okay, a lot of pain!). In 45 minutes I burned 340 calories, and since I had warmed up for five minutes before the class, I'm counting all 45 minutes of the spinning class for 6 APs. I had also done 20 minutes of upper body strength training before the class.

* I'm pretty sure someone is going to comment that there aren't any "bad" foods. I know that's true, sort of. Most people can have these foods in their house without going crazy. My sister is like that, she always keeps ice cream, cookies and candy in her house for her grandchildren. She very rarely eats any of it. She doesn't have a weight problem.

I'm not one of those fortunate people like my sister. I will eat it until it's gone, every cookie, every piece of candy or every bite of the ice cream. It's a sickness I have, similar to an alcoholic, but one I can deal with it. I just can't have those foods in my house. That's why I call it "bad" food.

It's official, I can get the senior discount at IHOP now...or 55 and still alive!

Today is my birthday, and I am now 55 years old. In some circles I qualify for the senior citizen discount. If you Google "is 55 a senior citizen?", this is the most popular answer (and one I personally like):

Depends on who's asking. many businesses have set 55 as the age to qualify for a senior citizens discount. This does not mean that one is actually "over the hill" so to speak but is a marketing gimmick to draw the business of baby boomers. The official age of a senior citizen of the United States is 65.

I started to write a list of my accomplishments, but it's a pretty short list and I don't really feel like tooting my own horn today (not that there's much to toot about). The only one that's important to me anyway is my weight loss. Sadly, I'm not at goal today which was what I set out to do in January.

This morning I was at 174.2 pounds (down from the 176.6 on Monday). Not great, but it could be worse (it could always be worse). I have reined in my eating somewhat, but not to the level I need to lose weight quickly. Also, because of various reasons (excuses), I only made it to the gym four times last week.

I saw a show on TLC last night, "How I Lost 100 Pounds", which is exactly how much I need to lose. It was somewhat inspirational. They told the story of five people and how they all lost a significant amount of weight (including two with surgery--learned a lot about Lap Band--definitely not for me).

The first couple lost their weight through Weight Watchers, although they never said "Weight Watchers" they did say they were using a Point system that counts calories, fat and fiber. Plus I saw a Weight Watchers food scale they were using (just like the one I own).

The husband lost over 200 pounds and the wife lost 90 pounds. They reminded me of how I was in the beginning, three years ago, maybe even two years or a year ago, still very gung-ho on the weight loss path. They were diligent about weighing and measuring their food, exercising consistently, and have made it a "life change".

I remember the excitement of losing weight, of nearing goal. Then I stagnated for some reason that I've yet to figure out. Boredom? Just plain exhaustion from the constant vigilance it requires? The hard work? Fear of reaching goal?

That last one is just plain stupid. I have no fear of reaching goal, even though it might appear that way since I keep sabotaging myself. I don't harbor any unrealistic fantasies about reaching goal and living happily ever after.

I've been near goal several times in the last year, hitting 151 a few times (goal is 135). It didn't make life all that much sweeter, I just felt better and my clothes fit better. I still had to go to work every day, I still struggled with food, I still had fight arguments with my  husband over stupid stuff, I still had to exercise. Life was still hard, just not as hard as it was at 240 pounds.

Funny, I don't really know where I'm going with this post. I guess I have no point to make. Just that it's my birthday, I'm older than dirt, and I'm still struggling with my weight. At least, for today, I get to do something I love, hiking at Mt. Rainier.

With that final note, I have to get ready, pack our rain gear (darn Pacific Northwest weather), a little food (all healthy stuff), and get the heck out of Dodge (Federal Way, WA)!

Have a great weekend!

Diana's Weight Gain Journey

I was thinking about renaming my blog today, to Diana's Weight Gain Journey. I wondered if anyone would even notice. Since all I'm doing lately is gaining weight it seems like an appropriate name.

It's all Geneen's fault, her stupid idea of eat what you want when you want it Ha! What a preposterous idea. Seriously, it's my own fault. I didn't read past chapter 10, that's where she tells you what to do to lose weight. I purposely didn't read that far because I kind of liked the idea of eating what I wanted.

I went on vacation and stayed with my sister for nine days, in a house full of treats for the grandkids, cookies, candy, and lots of ice cream. She doesn't have a sweet tooth and doesn't touch the stuff herself. Me, well, that's a different story. It triggered something in me that continued after I got home. Add in the stress of going back to work after being off for sixteen days and you have the recipe for a big, fat gain of 10 pounds.

That's right, I'm up to 176.4. Scary territory. After squeezing my big, fat butt into my slim fit size 12 jeans today,  I was miserable. Clothing should not leave it's imprint on your skin. By the end of the day I had a tummy ache, and I know it was from my tight jeans that were cutting off the circulation to my lower half. And yes, I said size 12, the 10's are just hanging in the closet, mocking me.

So what am I going to do? Lose the weight of course. My plan is simple and it involves restriction of my food intake. Smaller quantities of what I've been eating this week, and continue with the workouts but amped it up a bit. I really need to get to the gym at 5am and not at 6am so I can get in 40 minutes of cardio and 40 minutes of weights. My 30/30 plan isn't really enough, especially since I haven't been walking at lunch. I'm adding that back in to my routine and have a lunch walking date already scheduled for tomorrow.

My beloved StairMaster was finally working this morning, after being out of service for two months. I was practically squealing with joy this morning when I saw the pink out-of-order sign was missing from it. It's my favorite piece of cardio equipment and it's where I get my best cardio workout. I thought that was a sign from God that I need to get serious about losing weight.

A lot of people might think I'm on the road to going back up to 240 pounds, but for the first time in my life, I don't think that's going to happen. I started this journey February 2008. I've been under 180 since July 2008 (yes, I lost 60 pounds in the first six months). I've been down to 152 since that time and up as high as 179. I'm pretty sure I can stop this freight train I'm on of gaining weight and shift gears back to what has become my normal. Healthy eating and exercise (and losing weight!).

Besides the tight jeans that made me physically ill today, here's a good visual to help me get my butt in gear 110%. I was looking at some pictures on a friend's Facebook page and stumbled on this picture taken of me at at wedding three years ago. I weighed 240 pounds. That's me in the black dress. I remember how awful I felt, big, fat, hot (that's hot not in a good way, sweaty hot), and ugly. It's not a feeling I want to re-visit. Today's jean fiasco was as close as I want to get to that time in my life.