It's not allergies

I woke up this morning feeling extremely tired. My nose was itchy and stuffy. I thought it was just allergies.

It really didn't occur to me I might have a cold. Even though my coworkers and my husband were sick this past wwek with a cold, I just assumed because I'm so strong and healthy it wouldn't take me down.

I was wrong. I'm beyond miserable right now. You know the feeling. Stuffed up nose, sore throat, agony.

Other than that, I had a good day.

1.) I restarted my scarf.

2.) Read another chapter in "Such A Pretty Face". The further I get in this book the more I love it.

3.) Grocery shopped.

4.) A great gym workout (36 minutes cardio, 40 minutes weight lifting).

5.) Stopped fighting with my husband. Last night we had a very bad disagreement. That always seems to happen when one of us gets totally wrapped up in work. We've made our apologies and things are good.

6.) Dropped off another bag of junk treasures to the Goodwill. My closet is looking good with almost bare floors and empty shelf space. I love getting rid of stuff. It's so freeing to just let go of things. They're just things, not treasures to me.

7.) Had a go-around with my pharmacist. Long story but it didn't end well for me. Someone messed up my asthma prescription and the pharmacist said I'd already picked it up today. Not true. Insurance wouldn't pay for a second prescription in same day. If I wanted it then I needed to fork over $340 dollars for a one month supply (Advair). Um, no, I don't think so. Hopefully I don't stop breathing over the weekend. My mistake for letting it run out...I guess.

8.) This is BIG - I tracked all my food today! Every single bite. 20.5 Points. I earned 7 Activity Points. I get 21 Points a day and usually eat the extra five (35 weeklies), plus lately, a bunch more. Today, I'm just not hungry.

9.) I discovered the Honeycrisp apples I've been eating, the gargantuan are actually 4 Points. Ouch.

And with that last thought, I'm going to bed.

The non-weight loss goals

I'm trying not to put all my attention on my weight loss efforts because, well, because it makes me nuts. Totally and absolutely nuts. Not to mention it's as boring as watching paint dry.

For three years it's been my focus. Oh heck, it's been my focus for the past forty plus years. Off and on for all those years I worried about my weight. I'm still concerned about it, but I can't give it 100% of my attention 100% of the time.

The two non-weight loss goals for the week were knitting and reading. It turns out I love both! I knew I loved reading, but the knitting is a bit of a surprise to me.

The knitting is so much more rewarding than I remember. It's fun to actually create something useful with my own two hands. Sadly though, I was half-way done with the scarf when I realized there was a problem. Way back on about row four (I was on row fifty) it appeared I had dropped a stitch and there was a hole in my scarf! I counted the stitches and sure as anything I only had eleven on the needle, I was suppose to have twelve. I don't know how I didn't notice it before but I noticed it this morning. I had to rip the entire thing out and start over. Oh well.

The book I'm reading is one that I can't put down, and it's not about diet or exercise or intuitive eating. It's completely fictional, a novel. What a "novel" idea for me. The last few books I read that weren't health related were non-fiction murder stories by Ann Rule. I decided it was time to branch out on my reading and read something a.) non-fiction and b.) non-violent.

The book is "Such A Pretty Face" by Cathy Lamb. It's a story about a 32-year old woman that has lost 170 pounds through bariatric surgery. It's not about the weight loss or the surgery, it's about her life afterwards, and her crazy family, as well as about her life that led up to her gaining 170 pounds. It's entertaining, funny as heck, and I'm loving it. In fact, I could barely put it down today. I finally had to force myself to set down the book, put on my workout clothes and now I'm just about ready to walk out the door for the gym.

Thank you
I want to thank each and every one you that leave comments on my blog. I've been really bad lately about visiting other blogs and leaving comments, which I fully intend to rectify this weekend. I just want you to know that I read every comment, and I'm amazed at the kindness and consideration of strangers. But you aren't strangers to me at all. You're real people, and I greatly appreciate your comments. Your encouragement and your kind words mean the world to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The longer I do this the harder it is to do

I know it just doesn't make any sense, does it? Given all my knowledge about weight loss and Weight Watchers and South Beach and Jenny Craig and NutriSystems and every other diet I've ever tried, this should be a walk in the park by now.

So tell me, why does it seem harder now than ever before in my life? I simply don't get it.

In the last three years I went from 240 pounds down to 152 pounds, then up to 174, then down to 156 then again up to 174. It's like I'm stuck in a rut and I can pull my self out of it. 

Honestly, I'm just sick and tired of myself and my weight. Every day all throughout my day I think about my weight. They say guys think about sex every 30 seconds, I think about food at least that often or more.

It's like I've broken whatever it was in me that was doing so well. It's like I almost don't even care anymore. My size 12's are snug. Not unbearably tight, yet. They could be with another 10 pounds. They're not loose and falling off of me like they were at 152 or even at 166.

I can't say I'm totally miserable. I still exercise on a consistent basis, cardio and weight lifting, but I eat too much. Therefore, I'm not happy with my body. I feel fat. I am fat.

I don't expect anyone to have the answer for me. I know I have to find it inside myself. Somehow. I just haven't figured it out yet. After a lifetime of doing this I still don't have the answers. It seems like the longer this goes on, the harder it is for me to keep doing it.

I'm not giving up and throwing in the towel. I'm just saying I feel kind of defeated at the moment. Like there's something terribly wrong with me that I can't beat this thing.