I think I'd rather be tired

I took my first doctor-prescribed sleeping pill last night. I slept horribly, worse than usual. I woke up with a severe headache at 4 a.m. It felt like my head was in a vise and someone was tightening the vise every few minutes. It was insanely painful. I felt extremely nauseous too. My husband brought me aspirin and a glass of water, but it didn't even begin to  phase the pain.

When the headache finally eased up enough that I could get out of bed (around noon), I looked up the possible side effects of the "sleep aid" my doctor had prescribed.

The drug is Trazodone HCL. It turns out it's not really a sleep aid, it's really an anti-depressant. Since it's a hypnotic, it's off-label use is to cause drowsiness for insomniacs. If it's used as a sleep aid, the it's only one dose a day. If used as an anti-depressant, the dosage is three times a day. Since I'm not depressed, the doctor prescribed on tablet at bedtime.

Check out these possible side effects:

All medicines may cause side effects, but many people have no, or minor, side effects. Check with your doctor if any of these most COMMON side effects persist or become bothersome when using Trazodone:

Blurred vision; constipation; decreased sexual desire or ability; diarrhea; dizziness; drowsiness; dry mouth; headache; lightheadedness when sitting up or standing; muscle aches or pains; nausea; nervousness; stomach pain; stuffy nose; tiredness.

Seek medical attention right away if any of these SEVERE side effects occur when using Trazodone:

Severe allergic reactions (rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue); black, tarry, or bloody stools; bloody or dark urine; chest pain; decreased coordination; fainting; fever, chills, or sore throat; hallucinations; irregular heartbeat; new or worsening agitation, anxiety, depression, panic attacks, aggressiveness, impulsiveness, irritability, hostility, exaggerated feeling of well-being, restlessness, trouble sleeping, or inability to sit still; prolonged, inappropriate, or painful erections; seizures; severe or persistent dizziness or tiredness; shortness of breath; speech problems; suicidal thoughts or actions; swelling of the hands, ankles, or feet; symptoms of low blood sodium levels (eg, confusion, persistent headache, trouble concentrating, memory problems, weakness, unsteadiness, sluggishness, personality changes); tremor; unusual bruising or bleeding; unusual weight changes; vomit that looks like coffee grounds; yellowing of the eyes or skin.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? It's not worth it. I'm back to the Melatonin and Sleepytime herbal tea (I'm sipping a cup right now). My doctor has also suggested a sleep study, which I'm seriously considering. My niece has sleep apnea, and has a CPAP machine. She says it makes a huge difference in how much rested she feels. I don't like the idea of being hooked up to a machine when I sleep, but I also don't like feeling exhausted all the time.

Exercise and Diet
Good news! I feel totally back in control of my eating. Thank God! I've had my eating in control for two whole days. I realize that doesn't sound like much, but it's the first two consecutive days in weeks that I kept my eating in check. I'm journaling all my food, and keeping my calorie count under 1500.

This afternoon I went to the gym. I almost didn't go, because even though my headache was gone, it felt like it was on the verge of coming back. My eyes felt tender and almost sore from the pain earlier in the day. I thought maybe I'd feel better if I worked out. Amazingly, it worked! I did a full hour of cardio, 35 minutes on the elliptical and 25 minutes on the cross-ramp. Then 40 minutes of upper body weights. I burned 628 calories according to my heart rate monitor, in an hour and 40 minutes. Happy dance!

The Body Media
I ordered my Body Media with the wrist display tonight. It should ship tomorrow and be here by Friday. It's a lot like the Body Bugg, except it also measures your sleep. It comes with a "free" 12-month subscription (I think the BodyBugg does too).

I'm not sure how it measures sleep, but my friend at work said it really does work. She thought it sensed when you were laying down. I'm not sure it'll be accurate on my sleep (or lack of sleep).

The best things I've ever purchased for myself were my Polar heart rate monitor and iPod. Those two items have made made a world of difference in my exercise. I'm actually on my third heart rate monitor and third iPod in four years. I think the Body Media will be another tool to help me get to my goal.

I guess the SleepyTime and Melatonin are kicking in. I'm finally feeling tired. It's almost 10:30pm. Hopefully this will be a more restful night.

My annual physical wasn't fun

Okay, so I'm not dying, at least not yet. I had my annual physical today and my doctor isn't happy with me. She asked me what happened, how did I gain so much weight since March 2010 (my last physical).

I was 173 pounds in March 2010, and I was 199.4 on the doctor's scales today. She wanted to know why I'd gained so much weight. I didn't have an answer. I honestly don't know what happened. I told her I guess I was eating too much.

My doctor is a tiny Asian woman, probably a size 0, really nice and very smart. She's the one that looked at my neck last year and spotted my enlarged thyroid (which resulted in an ultrasound and biopsy of my thyroid).

Even though she's sweet, she doesn't mince words when it comes to my health. She told me this was a lot of weight to gain in one year and it was having a very serious impact on my body. My blood pressure was up to 148/88, and she put me back blood pressure medication.

In one month I have to go back to see her again so she can see how my blood pressure is doing. She also wants me to wait one month to get all the blood work done for all the other stuff (glucose check, cholesterol and triglycerides, vitamin D and a reactive C protein test for my heart) and she wants to review everything with me.

This is a lot more important than my concerns about how I look at this weight or the fact that none of my clothes fit. This is dead serious business. My health is at stake and frankly, I'm a little scared. What if I'm diabetic? Or what if I have a stroke or drop dead of a heart attack, or worse yet, live through a heart attack with a damaged heart? What am I doing to myself?

This has really made me take stock of my issues with food and my weight. I guess I thought gaining weight wasn't that big of a deal. So my clothes don't fit or I "feel" fat and ugly. That stuff really doesn't matter that much. My health, that's a different story. Once it's gone, it's hard, if not impossible to get it back.

So I'm making some changes. The most immediate is to get decent sleep. I've been failing in this area for years, short-changing myself on sleep almost every night.

Of course, there's the eating. I need some sort of plan. I always seem to need a gimmick to get jump started. My new plan is to use the Body Media. Someone at work has been wearing one and she swears by it. I haven't ordered it yet, but plan to by this weekend.

Last, but not least is my exercise. I've been slacking in the exercise area, going to the gym only three or four times a week, and then not really giving it 110%. I've really just been going through the motions. That has to change.

I have a lot more that I want to write about, but I have to be off the computer in two minutes (8:45pm). New rule. Darkened room, and then lights out by 9pm.

How did I let this happen!? 197.0

The post below "Happy to be home" was suppose to have been published last night but I guess I forgot to hit the publish button.

Yesterday when I weighed in first thing in the morning I was 196.2. This morning I was 197! What the heck is happening?! I thought I ate carefully yesterday, but I didn't write down anything. I guess I ate more than I thought. I slept horribly last night, tossing and turning, waking up several times.

Seriously, I really can't believe I let this happen to myself. I'm almost up to 200 pounds. I feel awful, mentally and physically.

I went to the gym this morning, 30 minutes elliptical (thought I was going to die!), and 40 minutes weights. Looking at myself in the gym mirrors was pretty horrifying. I kept asking myself over and over, why did you do this to yourself? My face looks distorted, and my body looks like I'm wearing a fat suit.

There's really not much to say about the situation I got myself into with my weight. I'm going to have to work really hard to get it off again. It's sort of like my worst nightmare is coming true. Now I'm awake and I'm living the nightmare of obesity, again.

My plan today is to document every bite I eat. A very boring task, but it's the only thing that works for me. 

I'm off to work now, as soon as I find something to wear. Finding something that fits is going to be challenging. The size 16's in my closet are probably going to be really tight. Letting this happen to myself was probably the most unkind thing I could do. If I didn't know better, I would think that maybe I hate myself. Why else would I chose to make myself so miserable?