Day 2: It's Saturday! I love Saturday!

My favorite day of the week is Saturday. I like to stay at home on Saturday and do house stuff. I actually find joy in mindless household chores. My latest thing is spring cleaning.

I've been organizing my closets, bookcases and even tackling the garage, one box at a time for the garage. It's filled with 24 years of junk, including boxes that haven't been opened since we moved into this house twelve years. I'm scaling down on the stuff. I detest useless clutter, and I want it out of my life.

Maybe seeing the 73 years of stuff at my sister's 3,800 square foot house triggered something in me, or maybe a few of those Hoarders shows, of maybe it's because I feel like it's the only thing in my life where I have control.Regardless of what caused this sudden "I've got to get rid of this stuff", it makes me feel better about my surroundings.

I started with the bathroom closet last weekend. I got rid of at least 50 bottles of hair products, and three hot roller sets, along with a truckload of other stuff (lotions, old makeup, and just stuff). I mean honestly, who needs four hot roller sets, three curling irons, two flat irons, and about 50 of those Velcro rollers (that I don't even use anymore). Now I only have one hot roller set, one flat iron and one curling iron. The stuff I kept (about 1/4 of what was in the closet) are in containers with drawers, and there are labels on the drawers. I love it! I can find anything in seconds.

I'm reading a great book that's  really helping me with the de-cluttering process. I bought it at the Half-price bookstore a few years ago, but it's still available on Amazon. "30 Days To A Simpler Life" by Connie Cox & Cris Evatt. I highly recommend this book if you are feeling overwhelmed by clutter, and if you've ever watched a Hoarder show and thought, "hmmm, if I don't do something that could become me!".

Usually on Saturday I have a list of at least 15 chores that I think must be completed by the end of the day. I never get through the list.

Today, things will be different. Five must do's on my list:

1. Update my Guardian activity log for my sister. I keep a notebook and write down every penny spent,  every phone conversation about my sister, and every chore or activity involving my sister Usually I transfer that information into an Excel spreadsheet at the end of the week. It's for the Alaska court system for when they complete a review on me at the end of the year. I normally do this once a week. I haven't done it for a month. A must do.

2. The gym for a minimum of a one-hour workout. A must do.

3. Weight Watchers meeting, 10:30am. A must do.

4. Clean out under the bathroom sinks in the master bathroom (huge vanity with lots of junk under the sinks). I don't even know what's under there, other than a few rolls of toilet paper. The goal is to clean it out, throw away as much as possible possible.

5. Work on the guardianship implementation plan and inventory for my sister. It's twelve pages of detailed information on her life. It's due by the Alaska Courts by May 28. I've been working on it, but I'd really like to complete it soon. One of those things that's hanging over my head.

Not a lot of fun stuff on the list, other than cleaning out underneath the cabinets under the bathroom sinks. That probably sounds sick and twisted, but I love getting rid of stuff. It makes my heart feel lighter.

Tomorrow is sister day, Titanic in 3D. I can't wait to see how that goes. She was an avid about going to the movies once a week before the stroke. I'm curious how she'll respond tomorrow. Hopefully, she'll understand what's going on. At least she'll be out of the house, which she seems to enjoy. I'll let you know how it goes.

Okay, back to my list.

Making a comeback

I'm stealing this idea from Tony. Good ideas are worth stealing, right?

I've been gone for far too long. I've been immersed with post-stroke sister issues and job pressures and marital problems. Somewhere along the line, I lost myself. Everyone and everything else in my life has been more important than me. I miss me. I know that sounds silly, but honestly, I often feel surreal, like I'm watching my life go by, standing on the sidelines, but I'm not in my life. Does that make any sense? Re-reading that sentence makes me sound a tad bit crazy. Perhaps I am.

I want my life back and the only way I know to do it is to take it back. Go back to doing the things I enjoy, back to doing things that are good for me. Perhaps that makes me selfish and self-centered, but I want to enjoy life. As far as I know, this is the only life I'll have on this earth. I don't want to waste it with worry and stress and misery. I want to laugh, to be happy, and to enjoy every minute.

What makes me happy? One thing is that I like blogging. I like reading other blogs about people like me, that struggle with their weight, and figure out ways to fight it. I like leaving little comments on their blogs. Therefore, taking the idea from Tony, I'm committing to 90 days of blogging. This is day one.

I wish I'd weighed this morning, but I didn't. So I'll go with yesterday's weight. 195.6. It's scary close to 200 pounds. I could be there by Monday if I don't do something drastic.

My plan for the weekend is a visit to Weight Watchers, and the gym Saturday and Sunday. Of course there's a sister visit in there too, probably on Sunday. I promised to take her to a movie, I'm thinking Titanic in 3D, but I'm not sure. I remember that movie made me cry my eyes out at the end, but it was/is a good movie. And I'm sort of in love with the new 3D stuff.

I received the May issue of the Weight Watcher magazine in the mail last night. I forgot I'd sent in for my free subscription. I had purchased a Weight Watcher cookbook  in 2010, and it came with a coupon for a free year of the Weight Watcher magazine. I sent it out in the mail two weeks before it expired back in December. Getting it in the mail last night triggered a feeling of "I've got to do something about my weight, and do it right now!".

So I'm back, and I'm making a comeback too. I'll be back every day for the next 90 days (probably more), come rain or shine, come stress on top of stress, no excuses, I'll be here. I'll be reading your blogs again. I'll even leave comments! I already feel happier.

I should have done this a long time ago

Therapy. I should have done therapy a long time ago. I tried a few times, but never liked the therapist. In the past twenty years I've seen three therapists, one session each. They all gave me books to read and lots of homework. I often thought, I'm paying you, you should have read the books and then give me the Cliff notes.

The therapist I'm seeing now is also called a "life coach" and specializes in helping people deal with stress and anger. I've known her for about ten years through Toastmasters (which I haven't attended in over two years). I've always liked her and enjoyed her company. It turns out she's an amazing therapist, and better yet, she sees me on weekends so I don't have to leave work for a "doctor" appointment every week.

After only two sessions, I'm already developing the tools to deal with my life. I feel so much better. No hives last week for the first time in five weeks. Although I did have what I guess would be called an anxiety attack on Thursday night.

I was at the gym at 6pm. I had experienced a terrible visit with my sister on Wednesday afternoon, when I visited her during her physical therapy session. I don't want to relive it, but she was filled with anger and frustration. It was awful and I left in tears. I've heard of this behavior from her before, but I had never witnessed it. To see my sweet, beautiful sister act like a bratty two-year old was more than I could handle.

The anxiety attack started while I was on the elliptical, thinking about what had happened the day before with my sister. Suddenly, I couldn't breathe. I was determined to get in at least thirty minutes on the elliptical, but my breathing got progressively worse. I realized I was in trouble. It was like an asthma attack, which I haven't had in over 20 years. It was a feeling of impending death, of my own death. And the unreasonable fear that I couldn't explain or define. I was scared, but I didn't know why. Death? I don't know. The two were intertwined.

I quickly left the gym and sat in my car for thirty minutes, practicing breathing techniques for relaxation and trying to calm down. I didn't know if I should call 911 or my husband or just drive myself to the nearest emergency room. I had my heart rate monitor on, and usually after a workout my pulse will go from 145 to 56 in a couple of minutes. Even though I was sitting still, my heart rate stayed at a steady 100 or more for a full half hour. Finally, I calmed down, started breathing normally and my heart rate returned to normal. It was a very scary experience. Although I will say, I still had my sense of humor about my life. As I drove away, I thought, "well, guess the night workouts don't really work for me!". Followed by a lot of laughter (my therapist said I'm definitely not depressed...I should be, but I'm not).

Today, during therapy, we decided I should take the weekend off from my sister. I still feel wounded from Wednesday. As the therapist explained, this is not my sister as I knew her. My sister before the stoke would never scream at me and slap my hand as I tried to help her. This is my sister with brain damage. I have to accept that I will  never have my sister back the way she was before the stroke. As heartbreaking as that is to say, I know it's true. We can't communicate, she doesn't really even know what's going on most of the time. I am in the process of accepting her for who she is now, and love her the best I can. I have to stop criticizing myself for not doing enough. I've done everything I can to help her, and I've given her everything I can give. I have to tend to me, to my needs, to myself. 

Weight this morning, 195.6. Workouts this past week: 3. My tribute to this being a weight-loss blog.